When we talk about Christian women struggling with pornography, I think it’s important we acknowledge married Christian women also struggle with pornography.
This tells us two things:
First, it tells us that marriage won’t fix your porn problem.
Second, it tells us we need to address the issues that are unique to married women who struggle with pornography.
I posted something on Facebook recently in regards to the question, “What would I tell a wife whose husband is going to be gone for a while and has asked for pictures of her so that he doesn’t look at porn?”
This is not an uncommon or unheard of scenario in my life. My brother is an over-the-road trucker and is away from his family for weeks at a time. My husband is military so our circle of friends are filled with deployments and long times away from each other. In fact, even in our own home, we are in a bit of an “in place” deployment where I see my husband for maybe an hour or two each day during the week and most of that time, we’re tag-teaming parenting two toddlers before falling exhausted into bed.
So, my response was from a place of understanding and, boiled down, I said, “You are not your husband’s replacement pornography.”
Just the very attitude of “if you don’t give me this I’m going to be looking at something else” reeks of entitlement, selfishness, and the “men have zero self-control and women are the gatekeepers of men’s sexuality” mindset that can be rampant in some conservative Christian groups. But the reality is if any husband comes up to his wife and says, “Either you give me pictures of you or I’m going to look at porn” that reveals a deeper issue in his own heart.
Unsurpisingly, I received a response, from a burner Facebook account, that said my answer was garbage. Didn’t I know women struggle with lust and masturbation? (Yes, yes I did know). Would I tell women the same thing? (Yes, yes I would).
There are probably countless blog posts and resources out there telling wives how to keep their husbands from falling to pornography. I likely agree with few of them because I don’t think it’s the wife’s job to keep her husband from struggling with pornography. It’s important to recognize that lust is a heart issue and we as people have zero control over other people’s heart issues. When we make someone else responsible for our own actions, attitudes, and heart issues, that’s called manipulation.
If I fly off the handle in anger at my husband or my kids, I have two courses of action. I can take responsibility for my own actions and recognize that self-control is exactly that– control of self– or I can blame them for pushing my buttons, yadda yadda yadda and make it their problem that they need to do better with next time. The second choice removes me from all responsibility for my own actions and relieves me of the Biblical command to walk in the Spirit.
I feel like way too many marriage experts who talk about pornography in marriage take the side of “well if the wife wouldn’t do x,y,z then the husband wouldn’t have to do x, x, x.”
What that tells me is the husband has no self-control. As long as we encourage him to blame his wife, he will always find a way to do so.
She gained too much weight. She didn’t sleep with him three times last week. She doesn’t look good in his favorite dress anymore. She complains too much. She keeps talking about emotion and how she just wants him to listen. She asks him to… gasp… do the dishes. She didn’t drop everything to “meet his needs” while she tended to their sick children. She didn’t pose for nude pictures for him to save on his phone. She actually asked to go to sleep early one night.
The nerve.
But all of these arguments tend to fall apart when it’s the wife who is struggling with pornography.
That’s because the narrative for so many years decades has been that men are the sexual ones and women are not. In fact, in Christian circles sexual women are often equated to harlots. I once found an excerpt from an old book on marriage for Christian wives where the author (a woman) specifically instructed wives that they are not to enjoy sex. The concept that a Christian wife could experience sexual temptation (not romantic temptation- sexual) is beyond the realm of concept for many people.
The truth is, though, that men and women are both sexual creatures. We both can be visually stimulated. We both have emotions. We both have desires. We both can experience sexual pleasure. Of the two, women are the ones who have an organ devoted to sexual pleasure. So the idea that women are not supposed to experience desire, arousal, or pleasure is wrong. Therefore, this idea that women cannot struggle with sexual temptation is also wrong. Women, single and married, can be tempted to acheive sexual arousal or pleasure in the same ways men can.
Married Christian women can struggle with pornography.
And, if they do, it’s not their husband’s fault (just like it’s not the wife’s fault if the husband does).
So, if you are the wife and the one who struggles (or perhaps you both struggle) what are some things you can do to “porn-proof” your marriage?
First thing, tell your husband.
I can understand why this would be completely terrifying for some, especially if you got married fiercely holding onto the good Christian girl, bride wearing white image of purity and feel that the only reason your husband married you is because he thought you were a saint. You’re not. He’s not. You both are people. Fallen people who live in a fallen world and shame and secrets never make a marriage better.
This isn’t about him being your “accountability partner.” You’re not blaming him. You’re not asking him to fix it. What you are doing is removing a wall of shame from your marriage. It paves the way for healing, freedom, and intimacy.
Understand that he might be upset or shocked, especially if he felt like you lied to him, etc. Again, fallen people in a fallen world, and if you’re worried about how this conversation could affect your marriage, enlist the help of a counselor. Have the conversation with someone else who can help you both navigate this because it is something you both need to navigate.
If you’ve been using pornography during your marriage, eradicating it and learning to find satisfaction and pleasure with just your husband is going to be hard. It’s going to be a journey. You need to let him in on that. It’s a journey you’re taking together. Could you do it without telling him? Probably. But then you’re going to spend the rest of your marriage still worried about what will happen when he finds out.
Intimacy and shame cannot coexist.
Second, tell someone else.
Also terrifying, I know. But what this does is it helps alleviate the burden your husband may feel to do something to fix it. You can tell a close female friend or a counselor. Whoever you tell, the point is to get someone else on the team, someone else with an outside perspective who doesn’t view you as their wife and doesn’t run the risk of being personally wounded by your failures.
Even though porn is not a struggle in my marriage, I still have a close female friend who I have known for almost twenty years. She knew about this struggle long before I wrote books about it and I know that if I were ever to feel tempted, I could reach out to her. This is especially helpful in situations like the one I’m in now where my husband isn’t always immediately available. Sometimes, he can’t get to his phone for hours at a time.
Third, get rid of the porn.
Perhaps this seems like a “no duh” step, but I think there are many who would tell their husband, tell a friend, but then hold on to the porn like a bit of a security blanket. I’m not going to watch it; I’m just going to keep these couple videos, you know, just in case.
There is no just in case. I understand that the road to rewiring can be frustrating. I get that. Even though I never struggled with porn while being married, I went into marriage with an arousal template based on pornography, fantasy, and masturbation. It took a long time to work through that and to teach my body to respond to my husband. Running back to porn in that time would have undone any forward progress we had made. It’s not a security blanket.
If you’re serious about freedom, then you need to, in a moment of strength, do everything you can to make porn innaccessible or at least inconvenient. If you want to install an accountability software like Covenant Eyes, do that. Clear your history. Delete your favorites. Delete the apps you’re using to access. Set up screen time and have your husband or a friend set up the passcode. Do what you need to do to protect your journey of freedom.
If you’re struggling with mental imagery and such, I just wrote a blog post on that here.
Fourth, be honest about your triggers and temptations.
Understand that this is going to be a continuing conversation and a continuous journey. It’s not like you tell your husband one day, delete the apps off your phone and *poof* everything is better and you never talk about it again. There are going to be days when you are tempted. There are going to be times when you feel triggered. When you are silent about those times, you give them the environment they need to grow into something bigger.
I think of one instance in our marriage. I sat down to watch a new show on NetFlix. It looked interesting and I didn’t even notice it was rated MA. Initially, it seemed very promising. But within two minutes there was full-frontal nudity… of a man.
Color me completely shocked. I backed out of that show as quickly as possible and, when my husband got home from work, I let him know what happened. It’s not his fault. I’m not expecting him to do anything, but telling him helps it not be a secret and nips any sort of shame in the bud. I’m not in trouble. He’s not in trouble. In a sexualized society, this sort of exposure can happen. Temptation happens. Triggers happen. Calling them out depletes their power.
Ideally, it’s helpful to avoid these temptations and triggers, but sometimes you can’t. In that case, identifying them is helpful.
If you want to do more work on triggers, I have an free resource specifically for working through them.
Fifth, do the work.
You have some rebuilding to do. Pornography can do a number on your self-image, your understanding of relationships, and your view of sex. That means this journey goes beyond “stop watching porn.” There are depths of healing that can take place and should take place to help pornography become less appealing. It’s not anyone else’s job to do that heart work. It’s not your husband’s job, or your best friend’s job, or your counselor’s job. What you will find is as you heal these areas, pornography has less and less appeal.
Ultimately, what you want is a healthy, vibrant, marriage marked by genuine intimacy. It’s not all about sex. It’s about the partnership and the connection and there being no shame between the two of you. If you want to porn-proof your marriage, the best way to do that is by building a marriage that is so sacred and so beautiful that pornography feels like an affront to it, not an aid. Don’t turn your partner into pornography. That helps no one. Instead, purpose together to root out the lies of pornography and false images pornography presents and create something that is wholly, uniquely, and authentically you.
This takes time. It takes effort. But it’s worth it.
