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How I’m Talking to my Toddlers About Sex and Pornography
For years, I stood on stages and gave parents advice on how to talk to their kids about sex and pornography. “It’s not a one-time conversation.” “You have to talk to them once you give them access to the internet because pornography is a predator.” “Use anatomically correct words.” “Don’t be embarrassed.” It’s really easy to say it when you’re the “expert” teaching parents. But I blushed the first time I had to use anatomically correct words to answer my daughter’s questions about her body. I hid the book Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr on our office bookshelf. The day my girls discovered it, I literally sat on it until…
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Why There Aren’t More Resources for Christian Women Struggling with Pornography?
When it comes to Christians struggling with pornography, the market is relatively flooded with resources for men. (Still, over 90% of churches have no support for men or women). This is how it was even decades ago when I, a Christian teenage girl, searched for help for my porn addiction. For years, I thought my consumption of pornography was healthy and even normal. I saw it as a safer alternative to sleeping around and a way for me to express and explore my sexuality while still honoring all of the tenants of purity culture. My church didn’t talk about pornography, other than vague mentions of “Men, what you are looking…
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What Boundaries Should You Have While Dating?
I recently received an email from a 14-year-old young man (definitely not my typical audience!) who read my once-viral post Kissing is Not Sex. He wanted to know more about boundaries and what sort of boundaries he should have while dating his girlfriend. Good. for. you, young sir! I recall many many (many) years ago sitting in church wondering the same thing. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time (I didn’t go on my first date until I was 27!) but was still curious about “the rules.” Unfortunately, the canned Christian response was almost always, “Stop asking where the line is and how close you can get to it…
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Is There Hope After a Struggle with Pornography?
What’s one thing you would say to a woman who is listening who struggles with pornography and wonders if there is hope? I have been asked that question countless times over the last few months as I’ve been on various podcasts and radio shows talking about my book, Quenched. So many presenters and hosts want to leave their listeners with a soundbite that offers a glimmer of hope. I’m always happy to provide it and to share that there was a point in my own story (several, actually) where I felt hopeless. At 17, I felt like I was too far gone to ever be rescued. I would never be…
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Three Things I Wish Parents Understood About Their Kids and Porn
When it comes to kids and sex ed, there seems to be a lot up for debate. But I think if there’s one thing I think many people could agree on, it’s the fact that no young child should be exposed to pornography. In fact, the deliberate exposure of a child to sexual material is a form of child abuse. Most parents don’t want their five, six, seven, or even ten year old exposed to adult content. What that tends to result in, in many Christian families, are parents who pretend like pornography doesn’t exist. They put what they feel are necessary safeguards in place to protect their home and…
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How to Porn-Proof Your Marriage (A Guide for Wives)
When we talk about Christian women struggling with pornography, I think it’s important we acknowledge married Christian women also struggle with pornography. This tells us two things: First, it tells us that marriage won’t fix your porn problem. Second, it tells us we need to address the issues that are unique to married women who struggle with pornography. I posted something on Facebook recently in regards to the question, “What would I tell a wife whose husband is going to be gone for a while and has asked for pictures of her so that he doesn’t look at porn?” This is not an uncommon or unheard of scenario in my…
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Five Tips for Staying Connected in the Bedroom
I was recently on the Java with Juli podcast and Dr. Slattery asked me what I would say to the woman who is struggling to stay mentally connected in bed with her husband. In this context, she was specifically talking about women who have struggled with pornography and how they can deal with those mental images, but the question impacts a broader audience. I think many women struggle to stay mentally present when it comes to physical intimacy. This isn’t a problem exclusive to women who have struggled with pornography. There is an increasing awareness of the term “mental load” and how in many couples the women carry the burden…
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The Journey of Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame
This coming week is a big week. It is the week Quenched launches into the world. If you’re curious what the journey from idea to bookshelf can look like, here you go. You may not know this, but the journey of Quenched started back in 2013. I share a bit of this story in the introduction of the book, but it’s a question I’ve been asked in several podcasts and interviews, “Why did you write this book?” That summer, I was staying at my grandparents’ house. I had just finished working as a teacher so I had the summer off to enjoy and made a trip to see them. Beggar’s…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
