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How to Porn-Proof Your Marriage (A Guide for Wives)
When we talk about Christian women struggling with pornography, I think it’s important we acknowledge married Christian women also struggle with pornography. This tells us two things: First, it tells us that marriage won’t fix your porn problem. Second, it tells us we need to address the issues that are unique to married women who struggle with pornography. I posted something on Facebook recently in regards to the question, “What would I tell a wife whose husband is going to be gone for a while and has asked for pictures of her so that he doesn’t look at porn?” This is not an uncommon or unheard of scenario in my…
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Five Tips for Staying Connected in the Bedroom
I was recently on the Java with Juli podcast and Dr. Slattery asked me what I would say to the woman who is struggling to stay mentally connected in bed with her husband. In this context, she was specifically talking about women who have struggled with pornography and how they can deal with those mental images, but the question impacts a broader audience. I think many women struggle to stay mentally present when it comes to physical intimacy. This isn’t a problem exclusive to women who have struggled with pornography. There is an increasing awareness of the term “mental load” and how in many couples the women carry the burden…
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The Journey of Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame
This coming week is a big week. It is the week Quenched launches into the world. If you’re curious what the journey from idea to bookshelf can look like, here you go. You may not know this, but the journey of Quenched started back in 2013. I share a bit of this story in the introduction of the book, but it’s a question I’ve been asked in several podcasts and interviews, “Why did you write this book?” That summer, I was staying at my grandparents’ house. I had just finished working as a teacher so I had the summer off to enjoy and made a trip to see them. Beggar’s…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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How Pornography Affected My Body Image (or, How Porn is Like Glitter)
Over the years, many women have asked me how pornography affected my body image. For the longest time, I told them it didn’t. I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13, a freshman in high school. Can we all just agree that 13 is already awkward, clumsy, and painful no matter who you are or what you’ve been exposed to? My days were spent admiring the cheerleaders and wondering how they managed their perfect makeup and pin-straight hair. (True story: I didn’t even know hair straighteners existed until I graduated high school and then I had a friend come over and spend over an hour straightening my thick,…
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What Does it Mean to Marry a “Leader?”
I’ve seen a lot of talk in my circles recently about Christian women needing to marry a leader. I actually recorded a video on the topic for Instagram but then never posted it. Let me tell you the tale of two Instagram accounts. The first will remain unnamed, but it is an account that specializes in responding to bad relationship advice. It blew me away the number of “Christian” men who had absolutely horrid dating advice. Horrid. Misogynistic, unBiblical “standards” that they are preaching as gospel truth. Just the other day he posted a video response to a man who said “real” men don’t let women set boundaries, provide for…
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What do I Need to Do to Stop Watching Porn?
If you want to break free from a struggle with pornography, you may be wondering: What do I need to do to stop watching porn? What do I need to give up? Is there some sort of trick? Different “experts” may have different strategies. When I was first beginning my journey of freedom, the “course” I was using called for “radical amputation” of any sort of electronic device. No TV. No smartphone. This, the author believed, was the equivalent of “gouging out your right eye” which is what Jesus says in Matthew 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it…
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I’m a Christian Woman Who Struggled with Porn. This is the Hardest Part About Sharing My Story.
In 2009, I started sharing my story about my struggle with porn addiction. I did so anonymously at first because I didn’t want to deal with people knowing this was my story. I felt like I was the only woman in that world who had this struggle. No one needed to hear my story. No one cared. In late 2010, I stood in a room at a conference in Canada. I was leading a breakout session for women on the topic of lust and the room was packed. Every chair was full, women stood around the room, and some even sat on the floor near where I was speaking. The…
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What Do You Do When Confession Has Consequences?
When it comes to breaking free from pornography and other sexual sins, I talk a lot about confession. In fact, if you email me (or have emailed me) asking what you should do to help start your freedom journey, my answer will always be “you need to tell someone.” There’s a reason for that, but there’s also a lot of fear around “confessing.” What if I confess and they get mad? What if I confess and they don’t care? What if I confess and I am punished? I think it’s unfortunate that we as Christians so often use confession similar to how it is used in a crime documentary. We…
