Women and Pornography
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Why There Aren’t More Resources for Christian Women Struggling with Pornography?
When it comes to Christians struggling with pornography, the market is relatively flooded with resources for men. (Still, over 90% of churches have no support for men or women). This is how it was even decades ago when I, a Christian teenage girl, searched for help for my porn addiction. For years, I thought my consumption of pornography was healthy and even normal. I saw it as a safer alternative to sleeping around and a way for me to express and explore my sexuality while still honoring all of the tenants of purity culture. My church didn’t talk about pornography, other than vague mentions of “Men, what you are looking…
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What Boundaries Should You Have While Dating?
I recently received an email from a 14-year-old young man (definitely not my typical audience!) who read my once-viral post Kissing is Not Sex. He wanted to know more about boundaries and what sort of boundaries he should have while dating his girlfriend. Good. for. you, young sir! I recall many many (many) years ago sitting in church wondering the same thing. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time (I didn’t go on my first date until I was 27!) but was still curious about “the rules.” Unfortunately, the canned Christian response was almost always, “Stop asking where the line is and how close you can get to it…
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Is There Hope After a Struggle with Pornography?
What’s one thing you would say to a woman who is listening who struggles with pornography and wonders if there is hope? I have been asked that question countless times over the last few months as I’ve been on various podcasts and radio shows talking about my book, Quenched. So many presenters and hosts want to leave their listeners with a soundbite that offers a glimmer of hope. I’m always happy to provide it and to share that there was a point in my own story (several, actually) where I felt hopeless. At 17, I felt like I was too far gone to ever be rescued. I would never be…
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The Journey of Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame
This coming week is a big week. It is the week Quenched launches into the world. If you’re curious what the journey from idea to bookshelf can look like, here you go. You may not know this, but the journey of Quenched started back in 2013. I share a bit of this story in the introduction of the book, but it’s a question I’ve been asked in several podcasts and interviews, “Why did you write this book?” That summer, I was staying at my grandparents’ house. I had just finished working as a teacher so I had the summer off to enjoy and made a trip to see them. Beggar’s…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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How Pornography Affected My Body Image (or, How Porn is Like Glitter)
Over the years, many women have asked me how pornography affected my body image. For the longest time, I told them it didn’t. I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13, a freshman in high school. Can we all just agree that 13 is already awkward, clumsy, and painful no matter who you are or what you’ve been exposed to? My days were spent admiring the cheerleaders and wondering how they managed their perfect makeup and pin-straight hair. (True story: I didn’t even know hair straighteners existed until I graduated high school and then I had a friend come over and spend over an hour straightening my thick,…
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What Do I Need to Do to Stop Watching Porn?
If you want to break free from a struggle with pornography, you may be wondering: What do I need to do to stop watching porn? What do I need to give up? Is there some sort of trick? Different “experts” may have different strategies. When I was first beginning my journey of freedom, the “course” I was using called for “radical amputation” of any sort of electronic device. No TV. No smartphone. This, the author believed, was the equivalent of “gouging out your right eye” which is what Jesus says in Matthew 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it…
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I’m a Christian Woman Who Struggled with Porn. This is the Hardest Part About Sharing My Story.
In 2009, I started sharing my story about my struggle with porn addiction. I did so anonymously at first because I didn’t want to deal with people knowing this was my story. I felt like I was the only woman in that world who had this struggle. No one needed to hear my story. No one cared. In late 2010, I stood in a room at a conference in Canada. I was leading a breakout session for women on the topic of lust and the room was packed. Every chair was full, women stood around the room, and some even sat on the floor near where I was speaking. The…
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What Do You Do When Confession Has Consequences?
When it comes to breaking free from pornography and other sexual sins, I talk a lot about confession. In fact, if you email me (or have emailed me) asking what you should do to help start your freedom journey, my answer will always be “you need to tell someone.” There’s a reason for that, but there’s also a lot of fear around “confessing.” What if I confess and they get mad? What if I confess and they don’t care? What if I confess and I am punished? I think it’s unfortunate that we as Christians so often use confession similar to how it is used in a crime documentary. We…
