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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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How Pornography Affected My Body Image (or, How Porn is Like Glitter)
Over the years, many women have asked me how pornography affected my body image. For the longest time, I told them it didn’t. I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13, a freshman in high school. Can we all just agree that 13 is already awkward, clumsy, and painful no matter who you are or what you’ve been exposed to? My days were spent admiring the cheerleaders and wondering how they managed their perfect makeup and pin-straight hair. (True story: I didn’t even know hair straighteners existed until I graduated high school and then I had a friend come over and spend over an hour straightening my thick,…
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Porn in Church: Resources for Helping Pastors Address Pornography
As we wrap up the Porn in Church series, I wanted to round up some resources for pastors. Before I do that, though, I wanted to offer this quick word of encouragement and “advice” if I may. It is very important for you to realize when you’re in over your head. Pastors and ministry leaders have a unique position of being the “go to” person for the people in their care. Rebellious teenager? Go to the pastor. Struggling with an eating disorder? Ask the leader for help. Some leaders get drunk off that power trip and love pretending to be the source of answers for everything and anything. However, the…
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On Pedestals, Grief, and Finding Faith
I wanted to take a moment- a break from the Porn and Marriage series- to talk about something that affected many of us this week. The final report of the investigation into Ravi Zacharias was published, and it wasn’t good. In fact, it was scathing. For many, this week, a hero fell. I’ve been following this story since the accusations first came to light last fall. Ravi’s ministry had a great impact on my husband’s faith and a friend of mine was a speaker for RZIM. Sadly, we’ve seen this all before. Too many times, actually. In Ecclesiastes, it says, “What has been is what will be, and what has…
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Does God Really Want Me to Save Sex for Marriage?
Let’s close out this Does God series with a zinger. I actually don’t know if it’s a zinger, but it’s a question that is being asked and one that we really need to be ok trying to answer: Does God really want me to save sex for marriage? It’s a fair question. A common question. And for some reason, a hard question to tackle. I thought I had a decent post on it and then literally just deleted the whole thing and started over… three times now. I’ve actually lost sleep over this post, wanting to be sure it contributed to a culture of grace and goodness and not shame.…
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When Porn is Stuck in Your Head
You know what’s tricky about pornography? It’s portable. If you have an issue with drugs or alcohol, you can put physical distance between you and your vice. But if I lock you in a room with access to absolutely nothing, you can still struggle with pornography. I get it. I’ve been there. In the middle of church, all of the sudden thinking about porn. While I’d be praying. While I’d be working on school work. While I’d be reading my Bible. While someone else was talking to me. There are many of you in the same place. You’re doing your best to stay away from it, trying to be free,…
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Pornography on Lockdown: Navigating External Triggers
This is the last post in a series of three on the topic of triggers. In the first, I talked about identifying triggers. In the second, I talked about what to do with internal triggers. This post is going to focus on dealing with external triggers and, as promised, there is a downloadable worksheet that boils down this content to help you find and face your own triggers. Why so much talk about triggers? In my opinion, understanding what your triggers are is vital in helping you walk in freedom from unwanted sinful behavior. In the church, we talk a lot about temptation, but I feel temptations are more universal.…
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Breaking Free From Porn: Where Do You Go From Here?
The saying goes, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” But for many women who struggle with porn, the real question is “what is that single step?” We find ourselves at “Point A” and “Point A” looks something like this: I know I have a problem and want to stop. But after that, we feel a little lost. What’s the next step? And we can get dizzy with the options. Tell somebody? Who. After I tell someone, then what? What if there’s no one to tell? How about I try to do this myself? Maybe I can install some software on my computer and solve this…
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Is the Christian View of Sex a Threat to Masculinity?
I spent years of my life addicted to hardcore pornography. I also spent years of my life growing up in an ultra-conservative “sex is for men, women don’t want it” culture. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the latter can actually be more damaging than the former. Why? Well because when you sugar coat poison it tastes less like poison. When you teach falsehood in the name of Jesus, people are more likely to internalize it and frame their entire worldview around it. I was originally going to hand a post like this over to my friend, Sheila Gregoire, because she asked how…
