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How to Porn-Proof Your Marriage (A Guide for Wives)
When we talk about Christian women struggling with pornography, I think it’s important we acknowledge married Christian women also struggle with pornography. This tells us two things: First, it tells us that marriage won’t fix your porn problem. Second, it tells us we need to address the issues that are unique to married women who struggle with pornography. I posted something on Facebook recently in regards to the question, “What would I tell a wife whose husband is going to be gone for a while and has asked for pictures of her so that he doesn’t look at porn?” This is not an uncommon or unheard of scenario in my…
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Five Tips for Staying Connected in the Bedroom
I was recently on the Java with Juli podcast and Dr. Slattery asked me what I would say to the woman who is struggling to stay mentally connected in bed with her husband. In this context, she was specifically talking about women who have struggled with pornography and how they can deal with those mental images, but the question impacts a broader audience. I think many women struggle to stay mentally present when it comes to physical intimacy. This isn’t a problem exclusive to women who have struggled with pornography. There is an increasing awareness of the term “mental load” and how in many couples the women carry the burden…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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How Pornography Affected My Body Image (or, How Porn is Like Glitter)
Over the years, many women have asked me how pornography affected my body image. For the longest time, I told them it didn’t. I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13, a freshman in high school. Can we all just agree that 13 is already awkward, clumsy, and painful no matter who you are or what you’ve been exposed to? My days were spent admiring the cheerleaders and wondering how they managed their perfect makeup and pin-straight hair. (True story: I didn’t even know hair straighteners existed until I graduated high school and then I had a friend come over and spend over an hour straightening my thick,…
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What Does it Mean to Marry a “Leader?”
I’ve seen a lot of talk in my circles recently about Christian women needing to marry a leader. I actually recorded a video on the topic for Instagram but then never posted it. Let me tell you the tale of two Instagram accounts. The first will remain unnamed, but it is an account that specializes in responding to bad relationship advice. It blew me away the number of “Christian” men who had absolutely horrid dating advice. Horrid. Misogynistic, unBiblical “standards” that they are preaching as gospel truth. Just the other day he posted a video response to a man who said “real” men don’t let women set boundaries, provide for…
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The Flirtation Experiment and Why Intimacy Matters
“When does the love fade away?” I was sitting in hair and makeup with Brittni De La Mora, a former porn actress and now leader of XXXchurch and Love Always Ministries. Brittni and I were speaking on a panel for CBN’s Unhooked: Purity in a Pornified World. It’s not often that I get an opportunity to talk with women in similar places of ministry and life. Brittni and her husband got married in 2016. My husband and I got married in 2018. We each had girls, three months apart. So, sitting in the room with her felt like an opportunity to gain some wisdom. My husband and I were just…
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Pastors, How You Preach About Sex Matters.
Pastor, let me ask you a question. How do you talk about sex in church? Better yet, do you talk about sex in church? The longer I am at this, the more I am convinced that how we, as Christians, talk about sex matters. We idolize virginity. For decades, the church at large has adopted a mindset solely focused on purity. When I was a teenager, purity pledges and purity rings were all the rage. But purity was really just a Christian way to say “abstinence.” Our message about sex was “don’t you dare do it before you’re married. If you do, you are forever marked. Your spouse will be…
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Resource Review: The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
I’ve been looking forward to reading The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Uncover What God Intended since the moment I knew it was going to exist. As a writer tackling issues of sex and sexuality in the church, I’m a fan of Sheila’s work. The conversation on sex in the church needs to change. That’s just a fact. So, when Sheila and her daughter, Rebecca, started down this path of addressing lies women believe/are taught about sex, I jumped in support. I gladly donated a stack of old Brio magazines for their research. A couple months ago, I reviewed Talking Back to Purity Culture…
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Is it OK to Fantasize About My Husband?
In the last series, I wrote a post on fantasy and, at the end, mentioned a question I have been asked, “Is it OK to fantasize about my husband?” First, I’m assuming the husband in question is 1) your husband 2) your actual husband and 3) your real-life actual husband. And when I refer to “fantasy” I’m referring to sexual fantasy, not that daydream where you come home and find the house is vacuumed and he’s done all the dishes and cooked a 5-star meal. For some, those may be one in the same. (After all, the saying goes, “sex starts in the kitchen.”) In other words, this question is…