Pornography and Marriage
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How to Porn-Proof Your Marriage (A Guide for Wives)
When we talk about Christian women struggling with pornography, I think it’s important we acknowledge married Christian women also struggle with pornography. This tells us two things: First, it tells us that marriage won’t fix your porn problem. Second, it tells us we need to address the issues that are unique to married women who struggle with pornography. I posted something on Facebook recently in regards to the question, “What would I tell a wife whose husband is going to be gone for a while and has asked for pictures of her so that he doesn’t look at porn?” This is not an uncommon or unheard of scenario in my…
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Five Tips for Staying Connected in the Bedroom
I was recently on the Java with Juli podcast and Dr. Slattery asked me what I would say to the woman who is struggling to stay mentally connected in bed with her husband. In this context, she was specifically talking about women who have struggled with pornography and how they can deal with those mental images, but the question impacts a broader audience. I think many women struggle to stay mentally present when it comes to physical intimacy. This isn’t a problem exclusive to women who have struggled with pornography. There is an increasing awareness of the term “mental load” and how in many couples the women carry the burden…
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What Does it Mean to Marry a “Leader?”
I’ve seen a lot of talk in my circles recently about Christian women needing to marry a leader. I actually recorded a video on the topic for Instagram but then never posted it. Let me tell you the tale of two Instagram accounts. The first will remain unnamed, but it is an account that specializes in responding to bad relationship advice. It blew me away the number of “Christian” men who had absolutely horrid dating advice. Horrid. Misogynistic, unBiblical “standards” that they are preaching as gospel truth. Just the other day he posted a video response to a man who said “real” men don’t let women set boundaries, provide for…
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Is it OK to Fantasize About My Husband?
In the last series, I wrote a post on fantasy and, at the end, mentioned a question I have been asked, “Is it OK to fantasize about my husband?” First, I’m assuming the husband in question is 1) your husband 2) your actual husband and 3) your real-life actual husband. And when I refer to “fantasy” I’m referring to sexual fantasy, not that daydream where you come home and find the house is vacuumed and he’s done all the dishes and cooked a 5-star meal. For some, those may be one in the same. (After all, the saying goes, “sex starts in the kitchen.”) In other words, this question is…
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How Do I Support My Wife Who’s Using Porn?
In the last post, I addressed wives who struggle with pornography and how they can tell their husbands. This week, I want to address those husbands whose wives struggle with porn. How can you support your wife in her struggle? You are one of the most underserved demographics in this entire field. It’s not surprising, because when we don’t really talk about women struggling with porn, we’re not really going to talk about their husbands being affected by their porn use. When I spoke for the S.H.E. Virtual Summit an old college classmate reached out and said, “It would be really nice for a conference like this to have a…
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How Do I Tell My Husband I Struggle With Porn?
Today let’s answer the question, “How do I tell my husband I struggle with porn?” As Millennials and Generation Z females (who are more likely to use pornography than older generations) get married, they are running into this issue. It’s especially a struggle for Christian women. Why? Because for years, we’ve talked about porn like it’s only a guy’s issue. It’s how guys are wired. Perhaps you saw the recent viral video of a Missouri pastor telling women that their husbands are going to look because that’s just the way God made men. It’s just how things are. Boys will be boys. All of which is extremely unhelpful and misleading.…
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Should We Treat Porn Like Cheating?
Should We Consider Porn the Same as Cheating? Here’s how the scenario seems to play out in a male struggler/female partner relationship. The woman catches the man watching pornography and the following conversation starts something like this: How can you watch that stuff? Why are you choosing those women over me? I’m right here. Am I not good enough for you? You don’t really love me. You love those fake women on that screen. What!? No! It’s not like that. Of course I love you. Of course I think you’re beautiful. Liar. If you really meant it, you would stop. And the communication continues to degrade. The trust continues to…
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Should We Just Watch Porn Together?
This conversation recently went down in the “community” section of an app I use. “I really wish my husband would stop watching porn. He keeps telling me he’s going to stop but our accounts are linked so I can see that he’s looking at porn at work.” “Girl, give it up and just ask to watch it with him! Watch it together!” And this is an email I got in response to a recent blog post: “I think a woman should tell her husband what type of porn she watches so they can watch it together. That’s what a strong woman would do.” So, clearly, we need to talk about…
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No, Singleness is Not a Punishment
I think this is why I’m still single. I don’t think God will ever allow me to get married. Not after what I’ve done. Before you run away, this is not another post on how “singleness is a gift” and how marriage will happen if you “are just content” or “just trust God enough.” I saw my share of those posts as a single woman and they just aren’t helpful. Singleness can be hard. Very hard and I’m not here to discredit that or ignore the fact that sometimes it feels like torture to watch all of your college roommates get married, or to be a bridesmaid in 20 different…
