Welcome to the new year. A blank slate of possibilities.
If you’re like 80% of humanity, you likely stepped into this year with an idea of things you wanted to change. Run a marathon. Lose weight. Add to your family. Get a new job. Start a business. Read a stack of books. Learn to bake. Buy chickens.
The resolutions are endless.
Maybe you “picked a word” for the upcoming year to help guide your intentions. (My word for 2025 is “delight.”)
But if you’re a Christian woman who struggles with pornography, you may be starting this year with one goal. One hope. One dream. One ambition.
You want this year to be the year you break free.
Perhaps you’ve been at this for a while, and this was also your goal last year.
And the year before that.
And the year before that…
You don’t know what you’re going to do different this year. Maybe you can try harder. Maybe you can be more determined and finally figure out the formula for freedom.
But I want to help shift your focus by asking you one question:
What would life look like for you if you were already free?
If your everyday life didn’t feel overshadowed by pornography, what would everyday life look like?
In my book, Quenched, I talk about freedom. One of the things we have to realize when it comes to freedom is that we aren’t fighting for it; we fight from it.
In John 8, verse 34, Jesus starts talking about slavery to sin. He says:
“Truly, truly I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave of sin. Now the slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if the Son sets you free, you really will be free. ”
What is He saying? He’s talking about our identity and our place of belonging in Christ and the freedom that He gives us. Not that we earn. Freedom that He gives.
This idea is reinforced throughout the New Testament, especially in Romans. I’ve often called Romans 6-8 “The Freedom Chapters.” They were hugely instrumental in my own journey of freedom and understanding my relationship with my struggle. Over and over in the text, Paul reminds the reader that we are actually in control of our bodies and we are choosing. We are free to choose.
In a world where we talk a lot about addiction and disease, this can be a hard truth to accept. We want to believe that we’re a victim of our circumstances because to do otherwise requires humility and effort. It requires work.
You are not a victim of your addiction to pornography. So stop living like it.
Stop living like you are powerless to overcome it.
I am finishing the study None Like Him by Jen Wilkin. In a chapter on the Immutability (Unchangingness) of God, Jen brings up the idea that our own belief we are unchangable flies in the face of the Gospel and grace.
“The worst part is that, when confronted with my own entrenched sin, my immediate defense is to say, ‘That’s just who I am. I can’t change.’ I can’t change. Immutable. Lie. Lie from the pit of hell. Whether uttered in hopelessness or defiance, this statement is a lie… Just as my assurance of salvation rests in the fect that God cannot change, my hope of sanctification rests in the fact that I can. What greater disavowal of the gospel of grace than to claim it is capable of changing every sinner’s heart but mine?” (pg. 87-88)
The fact is, you can change. The very message of grace is that you can change.
You are free to choose.
So as you come into this year, I want to ask you what that freedom looks like.
I don’t believe in “manifesting” but imagine it for a moment. Who is the woman you are pretending to be? Who is the woman you wish you were? What does it look like for you to be free?
Maybe it looks like deeper friendships. Maybe it looks like more joy. Healed relationships. A healthier sex life in your marriage. Less time on your phone. More time involved in activities.
What’s keeping you from doing those things now?
There’s a lie we can believe that says we have to get free first and then…
Obviously, we have to be careful that we aren’t putting on a facade. Don’t try to outperform your pornography addiction.
But sometimes we treat our struggle with sin like a bout with leprosy and exile ourselves outside of the camp clothed in sackloth and ashes, waiting to be made whole again. And that’s not the life Jesus promised us.
You can work on healing relationships while simultaneously working on breaking free from pornography. In fact, healing relationships might actually help you to break free from pornography.
One of the most powerful parts of my own healing journey was this sort of “simultaneous work.” After I confessed my struggle in college, one woman met with me specifically about the addiction. Aside from her, I had a team of women who helped me answer the question, “Who is Jessica without this?” Because I honestly had no idea. So much of my life, identity, and emotions were wrapped up in porngraphy that I seriously questionned whether there could be a Jessica without it.
But there was. And they helped me realize my identity in Christ. They helped me work on my emotional stability, on healthy relationships, on a Godly perspective of sex, all while I was actively working on quitting pornography. The two timelines weren’t mutually exclusive.
And the same can be true for you.
If you want this year to be the year you break free from pornography, then I challenge you to answer the question:
What does it look like when you do?
And then live like someone who has been set free, and fight from that place.
The freedom He offers is not the “freedom to do whatever we want.” The freedom He offers us is freedom from our own out-of-control drives. It’s a freedom from what the Bible calls the slavery of sin. When we decide the freedom we want is “indoor plumbing” it falls short of the freedom Christ offers. He wants to quench our thirst. He wants to free us from our longing for water.
The freedom of the Gospel and God’s desire for us is freedom from our longing for things that don’t satisfy. It’s not freedom to watch porn without shame; it’s freedom from the need to watch porn. It’s not freedom to lust without inhibition; it’s freedom from the traps of lust.
The freedom He offers us is a complete and whole freedom freeing us from our past mistakes, our present struggles, and our future shame. It’s more than pumping water straight to us so we can hide and stay where we are. The offer is better water.
-excerpt from my book Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace For Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame
If you’re a woman trying to break free from pornography, you can find more resources here.
