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Not Marked: Finding Hope & Healing After Sexual Abuse – Resource Review
I want to start a new series where I highlight various resources available to women who may struggle with porn, lust, or even sexual trauma. (Because some studies suggest there is a link between sexual trauma and sexual addiction). It’s sometimes hard for my readers to find resources because, frankly, the issue isn’t yet mainstream enough for there to be a “breakaway” book on the topic. Instead, the resources are self-published, privately published by ministries, or traditionally published and then lost on the back of the shelf. They never hit the best seller lists and never really make waves because people still don’t want to talk about this. That is…
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What Do I Do When I Can’t Find Anyone to Tell?
The first step in breaking free from a struggle with pornography is to tell someone. It’s important to remember that’s not out of shame. You don’t need to be punished. You’re not “turning yourself in” to someone who is going to help you get in line. We don’t report symptoms to a doctor so the doctor can yell at us for making wrong choices. We report because we’re looking for help and we know that’s what doctors do. Yet, when it comes to confessing a struggle with lust or pornography, we can act more like we’re going to the principal’s office at school to report we cheated on a test.…
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If You’ve Been Molested by a Leader You Trusted, Here’s a Message for You
This past week, a friend alerted me to an article detailing hundreds of sexual assault cases found in Independent Fundamental Baptist churches throughout the U.S. and Canada. Sad to say, this didn’t shock me. I was raised IFB. I was first exposed to sex in elementary school by classmates at my IFB-associated school. They all attended my IFB church. I’ve shared numerous times about my experience there and how it contributed to shaping my life (for better and for worse). It’s important to remember that a more strict structure doesn’t automatically protect children. In fact, in some cases, the false sense of security they provide can actually endanger children. My…
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Women and Pornography: Three Ways You’re Probably Not Helping
How do you help women who struggle with pornography? It might surprise you that it’s really not that hard. It’s not necessarily easy either. I would say it falls somewhere in the middle. While the method is rather simple, the implementation can be difficult. Helping women with their struggles with pornography involves a lot of undoing the not-so-helpful things others have done and making sure you don’t do them yourself. As the old saying goes, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” That being said, there are some pretty common mistakes people make when they try to help women break free from pornography. To be…
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How to Be Grateful in the Midst of Your Struggle
It’s that time of year, filled with thankful trees, Advent candles, Christmas wishes and New Years Resolutions. I decided to launch this week’s blog post a little early so it would be gracing your inbox just in time for Thanksgiving. I debated somehow including a recipe for a killer apple cheesecake pie, but didn’t want to completely destroy my brand. (Seriously though, it’s delicious). If you’re anything like me, you might have woken up this morning and wondered how on earth are you supposed to do this. How can you be grateful and feel joyful when you’re stuck in the middle of a struggle? When you feel mired in negative…
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Patience and Pornography: The Delicate Balance of the Healing Journey
How long does it take to break free from pornography? That’s a common question asked by people who struggle and the people who help them. In a world filled with quick fixes and 8 week plans, it can feel like the road to freedom should be simple and fast. After all, if you really want to stop, why don’t you? Stopping should be easy. Hear me out when I say it’s not that simple. I’m not here to make excuses. If you’re a wife hurt by your husband’s use (or a husband confused by your wife’s use), I’m not here to discredit your pain. If you are a counselor, pastor,…
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How I Prepared for Sex in Marriage (as a Former Porn Addict)
Where is the premarital prep book for women who’ve been addicted to porn? Turns out, there isn’t one. At least not the kind I thought I needed. In case you missed it, I recently got married. We both waited into our 30s (I was 32 and he was 34). Totally worth it. Read: Life is more than sex and marriage… But how do you prepare for sexual intimacy in marriage when you have a background that leaves you easily triggered? You might think it would be easy. After all, one of the selling points for pornography is that it “helps” couples sex lives. I’ve mentioned this before and can say…
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What to do When Others Try to Shame You
If you’re a woman who struggles with pornography or lust, you are probably familiar with shame. Shame is the voice that says you can’t tell anyone. It’s the lie that you are a horrible person. It’s the slave driver screaming at you to try harder. It’s the belief you have to fix this sorry mess or you will never be acceptable. That’s shame. And many of us know it well. We are really good at shaming ourselves, but what do we do when the source of shame is someone else? For many women, it’s this fear of others shaming us that keeps us in hiding. It’s a theme running through…
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In Her Words: Chione’s Story
Several months ago, I opened the floor for women to write in and share their struggles with pornography in a series entitled “In Her Own Words.” It’s one thing for me to tell people these women exist; it’s an entirely different thing altogether for these women to have a platform to be heard, even if only anonymously. Stories are important. Yes, there is room for research and statistics, and I fully support both in this field. However, that’s not my approach to this issue. My approach is to connect people because, let’s face it, not many of us like statistics. We don’t like studying them in school and we certainly…