-
What Do You Do When Confession Has Consequences?
When it comes to breaking free from pornography and other sexual sins, I talk a lot about confession. In fact, if you email me (or have emailed me) asking what you should do to help start your freedom journey, my answer will always be “you need to tell someone.” There’s a reason for that, but there’s also a lot of fear around “confessing.” What if I confess and they get mad? What if I confess and they don’t care? What if I confess and I am punished? I think it’s unfortunate that we as Christians so often use confession similar to how it is used in a crime documentary. We…
-
Three Signs You Are Exploiting People
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines during the Tokyo Olympics when she stepped away from the competition for mental health reasons. While most responses I saw were understanding, encouraging, and even empowering, there were plenty of people that seemed to take personal offense to her decision. How dare she. She was called a quitter, selfish, even a sociopath. Christian commentator, Matt Walsh, called her an embarrassment and “in some ways an appropriate representation of a country that has gone soft.” Oof. Several times as I’ve read news articles and comments on social media of people expressing their disappointment and chastising her, I’ve wanted to remind them that she doesn’t owe…
-
Resources for Helping Pastors Address Pornography
(Updated August 2023) As we wrap up the Porn in Church series, I wanted to round up some resources for pastors. Before I do that, though, I wanted to offer this quick word of encouragement and “advice” if I may. It is very important for you to realize when you’re in over your head. Pastors and ministry leaders have a unique position of being the “go to” person for the people in their care. Rebellious teenager? Go to the pastor. Struggling with an eating disorder? Ask the leader for help. Some leaders get drunk off that power trip and love pretending to be the source of answers for everything and…
-
Setting Up Recovery Groups For Women Who Struggle with Porn
This post is part of our Porn in Church series- a series designed especially for pastors. If you are not a pastor, please share this post with your pastor. (This post is also part of my book, Quenched.) Women in your church struggle with pornography. That’s just a fact. Men in your church struggle with pornography. That’s also a fact. Still, churches today are relatively ill-equipped to help either gender effectively. When it comes to addressing pornography use and helping people find freedom and healing, too often the message is short and limited to “stop it.” “Stop it” isn’t helpful. People who are looking for help breaking free from pornography…
-
The One Word Christian Women Struggling with Porn Need to Hear
What if I told you there was one word that Christian women struggling with porn needed to hear? Just one word that could help eradicate shame and set them on the journey to freedom? What if one word could completely change the atmosphere of your church? Could it really be that simple? Five years ago, I had the privilege of speaking at the Set Free Summit, hosted by Covenant Eyes and Josh McDowell Ministries. It was a gathering of hundreds of pastors and ministry leaders addressing the issue of pornography use within the church. During my session, I shared about the shame experienced by a Christian woman struggling with pornography.…
-
Creating a Safe Space for Grace
In this series, where we’re tackling how to address porn in church, I would be remiss if I didn’t address this fundamental reality: our churches need to be safe spaces for grace. In the coming weeks, we’ll talk about how to change the conversation and help women find healing, but the fact is that if the culture of your church chokes out grace, you can talk until you’re blue in the face and it isn’t going to matter. There’s a parable in the Bible (Matthew 13:1–23, Mark 4:1–20, Luke 8:4–15) that is commonly referred to as the parable of the sower. The short version is this: a sower went out…
-
Porn in Church: The Five Most Unhelpful Things Pastors Said About Pornography
As a Christian teenage girl struggling with pornography, I heard a lot of messages about getting help and breaking free from sin. Many of them were unhelpful. In the years since, I have heard several more, either in church or at Christian conferences, or even from magazine editors and other authors. For the next post in the Porn in Church series, I want to address some of them, explain why they aren’t helpful and how we can change them. Let me preface this by saying, this is not an attack on pastors. If you or someone you know has said one of these things, I’m not coming for you with…
-
What Every Pastor Needs to Know About Women and Porn
We’re kicking off our Porn in Church series with a guest post from my friend, Sam Black. He’s sharing a bit of his heart on what pastors need to know about women and pornography. In the weeks to come, posts will address more practical nuts and bolts of how to address this issue in churches and help women find healing. Please, share this series with your pastors! Editor’s note: Sam Black, a vice president at Covenant Eyes, is writing a book to pastors on how some churches are successfully addressing pornography among Christians. The following is a condensed chapter excerpt. Want to be the first to hear about the book’s…
-
On Culture, Sex, Influence, and Why Personal Responsibility Matters
Before we start the Porn in Church series, I wanted to take a minute and talk about the importance of personal responsibility. We talk a lot about “accountability” in Christian circles. It’s the idea that we answer to other people and if you’re on a journey of recovery from porn use, then you’ve for sure heard it. In fact I’ve written several posts about it. But personal responsibility is probably equally, if not more, important than the idea of accountability. Accountability, the way we use it, says “others can check in on me and I answer to them.” It’s the motive behind things like accountability software, like Covenant Eyes, or…