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What Does Accountability Look Like in Marriage?
Is your marriage a safe place to struggle? Lately, I’ve been writing a lot about accountability. It’s perhaps one of the most important and yet misunderstood aspects of a freedom journey. If you write me about your struggle with pornography and ask what you should do, the very first thing I will tell you is you need to share your story with someone (other than me). That’s not because you need a babysitter or because you need shamed. It’s because that’s the first step in tearing down shame and reestablishing community. Pornography, by its nature, is isolating. Shame, by its nature, isolates even more and shrouds in lies. So, sharing…
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The Mistakes We Make With Accountability
Ask any group helping people overcome a struggle with porn and you’ll probably hear them talk about the importance of accountability. Even Christian organizations will emphasize this important step. But, did you know, accountability as we define it is actually nowhere in the Bible? There are Biblical principles of confession and honesty in community, but there is no chapter and verse that tells you to tell a friend/stranger about your struggle and ask them to check in on you daily. Accountability is a tool that many of us have found useful in our own journeys and in the journeys of those we help. However, based on emails I have received…
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Sharing Your Story with Family: Thoughts on Shame, Grace, and Loss
It’s a question so many women have: How am I supposed to tell my family? My husband? My kids? My parents? Perhaps you didn’t know this. Maybe you did. But my family doesn’t talk about what I do. It’s a complicated dynamic. Along with fierce loyalty and love, there’s some toxic shame and legalism and blame that likes to creep in to the fibers of our family. Some conversations just feel like they aren’t worth the fall out. So, I just kept my book out of the conversation, and my family did too- at least to my face. Then my husband-to-be read it. Since that’s literally how he and I…
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When Porn is Stuck in Your Head
You know what’s tricky about pornography? It’s portable. If you have an issue with drugs or alcohol, you can put physical distance between you and your vice. But if I lock you in a room with access to absolutely nothing, you can still struggle with pornography. I get it. I’ve been there. In the middle of church, all of the sudden thinking about porn. While I’d be praying. While I’d be working on school work. While I’d be reading my Bible. While someone else was talking to me. There are many of you in the same place. You’re doing your best to stay away from it, trying to be free,…
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Pornography on Lockdown: Navigating External Triggers
This is the last post in a series of three on the topic of triggers. In the first, I talked about identifying triggers. In the second, I talked about what to do with internal triggers. This post is going to focus on dealing with external triggers and, as promised, there is a downloadable worksheet that boils down this content to help you find and face your own triggers. Why so much talk about triggers? In my opinion, understanding what your triggers are is vital in helping you walk in freedom from unwanted sinful behavior. In the church, we talk a lot about temptation, but I feel temptations are more universal.…
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5 Mistakes We Make When We Talk About Pornography
I’ll never forget sitting through a church service and listening as the preacher, over and over again, with disgust talked about how sick people in pornography are. The men who watch it are sick. The women in it are sick. The men in it are sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. I was torn between wanting to crawl out the back door and standing up and telling him to zip it. I did neither. Yes, we should be talking about pornography in church. Just not like that. This is just one of many mistakes we can make, whether in ministry or not, when it comes to addressing the sins of lust and…