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The Mistakes We Make With Accountability
Ask any group helping people overcome a struggle with porn and you’ll probably hear them talk about the importance of accountability. Even Christian organizations will emphasize this important step. But, did you know, accountability as we define it is actually nowhere in the Bible? There are Biblical principles of confession and honesty in community, but there is no chapter and verse that tells you to tell a friend/stranger about your struggle and ask them to check in on you daily. Accountability is a tool that many of us have found useful in our own journeys and in the journeys of those we help. However, based on emails I have received…
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Sharing Your Story with Family: Thoughts on Shame, Grace, and Loss
It’s a question so many women have: How am I supposed to tell my family? My husband? My kids? My parents? Perhaps you didn’t know this. Maybe you did. But my family doesn’t talk about what I do. It’s a complicated dynamic. Along with fierce loyalty and love, there’s some toxic shame and legalism and blame that likes to creep in to the fibers of our family. Some conversations just feel like they aren’t worth the fall out. So, I just kept my book out of the conversation, and my family did too- at least to my face. Then my husband-to-be read it. Since that’s literally how he and I…
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When Porn is Stuck in Your Head
You know what’s tricky about pornography? It’s portable. If you have an issue with drugs or alcohol, you can put physical distance between you and your vice. But if I lock you in a room with access to absolutely nothing, you can still struggle with pornography. I get it. I’ve been there. In the middle of church, all of the sudden thinking about porn. While I’d be praying. While I’d be working on school work. While I’d be reading my Bible. While someone else was talking to me. There are many of you in the same place. You’re doing your best to stay away from it, trying to be free,…
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Pornography on Lockdown: Navigating External Triggers
This is the last post in a series of three on the topic of triggers. In the first, I talked about identifying triggers. In the second, I talked about what to do with internal triggers. This post is going to focus on dealing with external triggers and, as promised, there is a downloadable worksheet that boils down this content to help you find and face your own triggers. Why so much talk about triggers? In my opinion, understanding what your triggers are is vital in helping you walk in freedom from unwanted sinful behavior. In the church, we talk a lot about temptation, but I feel temptations are more universal.…
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Accountability is not confession
As we start up this series on Accountability, it is important that we have a clear understanding of what, exactly, we are talking about. A basic definition of accountability is this: Refusing to fight for freedom all on my own and inviting someone specific to join me in the fight. Some of you are reading that and thinking, “Not helpful!” You want specifics. You want to know what it looks like, and how it works in real life. It is like reading an instruction manual and thinking, “sounds easy enough!” Then, you open the box with all the pieces and parts and bolts and screws and think, “What was step 1…
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Triggers: Identifying Every-day Things That Can Lead to Lust
Over the years, I have often written or spoken about triggers. Usually, when I do, I get an e-mail from someone asking: “What does it mean to ‘find your triggers?’ What does that look like?” I realize that as a former addict who knows her triggers, it is ‘easy’ for me to say “find your triggers.” For those of you in the middle of your struggle, though, and even for those struggling to stay out, marching in and saying, “Find your triggers” is about as helpful as walking in and telling you to factor a perfect square trinomial. As a former math teacher, I know exactly what I am talking…
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Review of Sexual Sanity for Women
Reblogged from Covenant Eyes When I was asked to review Sexual Sanity for Women, I was far less than excited. As a woman who battled pornography addiction, I know the frustration of trying to find resources to help me. At first there were none, and then the men’s resources were just reprinted more gender neutral or with pink covers to make them more women-friendly. I have had several friends ask me to read books over the years—books written by men, books written by married couples, books written by women that addressed the broad-sweeping idea of purity with a little lust sprinkled in there for good measure. One book was exactly the…
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Moving On With Life When Your Pictures are Still Out There
(Edited in August 2023) Yep! That’s me. I figured I am better off using one of my own pictures than incriminate some royalty-free model. Besides, it will prove my point. There are quite a few of us who have made the mistake of sending our pictures to someone. Obviously, I’m not referring to pictures like the one above. I mean “pictures” as in “illegal to pose for or view if you are under 18.” Not every woman trapped in pornography has made this mistake, and not every woman who has made this mistake has been trapped in pornography. Still, there are quite a few women who have either posed for…
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5 Mistakes We Make When We Talk About Pornography
I’ll never forget sitting through a church service and listening as the preacher, over and over again, with disgust talked about how sick people in pornography are. The men who watch it are sick. The women in it are sick. The men in it are sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. I was torn between wanting to crawl out the back door and standing up and telling him to zip it. I did neither. Yes, we should be talking about pornography in church. Just not like that. This is just one of many mistakes we can make, whether in ministry or not, when it comes to addressing the sins of lust and…