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What Do You Do When Confession Has Consequences?
When it comes to breaking free from pornography and other sexual sins, I talk a lot about confession. In fact, if you email me (or have emailed me) asking what you should do to help start your freedom journey, my answer will always be “you need to tell someone.” There’s a reason for that, but there’s also a lot of fear around “confessing.” What if I confess and they get mad? What if I confess and they don’t care? What if I confess and I am punished? I think it’s unfortunate that we as Christians so often use confession similar to how it is used in a crime documentary. We…
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Three Signs You Are Exploiting People
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines during the Tokyo Olympics when she stepped away from the competition for mental health reasons. While most responses I saw were understanding, encouraging, and even empowering, there were plenty of people that seemed to take personal offense to her decision. How dare she. She was called a quitter, selfish, even a sociopath. Christian commentator, Matt Walsh, called her an embarrassment and “in some ways an appropriate representation of a country that has gone soft.” Oof. Several times as I’ve read news articles and comments on social media of people expressing their disappointment and chastising her, I’ve wanted to remind them that she doesn’t owe…
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Setting Up Recovery Groups For Women Who Struggle with Porn
This post is part of our Porn in Church series- a series designed especially for pastors. If you are not a pastor, please share this post with your pastor. (This post is also part of my book, Quenched.) Women in your church struggle with pornography. That’s just a fact. Men in your church struggle with pornography. That’s also a fact. Still, churches today are relatively ill-equipped to help either gender effectively. When it comes to addressing pornography use and helping people find freedom and healing, too often the message is short and limited to “stop it.” “Stop it” isn’t helpful. People who are looking for help breaking free from pornography…
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On Culture, Sex, Influence, and Why Personal Responsibility Matters
Before we start the Porn in Church series, I wanted to take a minute and talk about the importance of personal responsibility. We talk a lot about “accountability” in Christian circles. It’s the idea that we answer to other people and if you’re on a journey of recovery from porn use, then you’ve for sure heard it. In fact I’ve written several posts about it. But personal responsibility is probably equally, if not more, important than the idea of accountability. Accountability, the way we use it, says “others can check in on me and I answer to them.” It’s the motive behind things like accountability software, like Covenant Eyes, or…
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How Do I Tell My Husband I Struggle With Porn?
Today let’s answer the question, “How do I tell my husband I struggle with porn?” As Millennials and Generation Z females (who are more likely to use pornography than older generations) get married, they are running into this issue. It’s especially a struggle for Christian women. Why? Because for years, we’ve talked about porn like it’s only a guy’s issue. It’s how guys are wired. Perhaps you saw the recent viral video of a Missouri pastor telling women that their husbands are going to look because that’s just the way God made men. It’s just how things are. Boys will be boys. All of which is extremely unhelpful and misleading.…
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The Mistakes We Make With Accountability
Ask any group helping people overcome a struggle with porn and you’ll probably hear them talk about the importance of accountability. Even Christian organizations will emphasize this important step. But, did you know, accountability as we define it is actually nowhere in the Bible? There are Biblical principles of confession and honesty in community, but there is no chapter and verse that tells you to tell a friend/stranger about your struggle and ask them to check in on you daily. Accountability is a tool that many of us have found useful in our own journeys and in the journeys of those we help. However, based on emails I have received…
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Accountability is not confession
As we start up this series on Accountability, it is important that we have a clear understanding of what, exactly, we are talking about. A basic definition of accountability is this: Refusing to fight for freedom all on my own and inviting someone specific to join me in the fight. Some of you are reading that and thinking, “Not helpful!” You want specifics. You want to know what it looks like, and how it works in real life. It is like reading an instruction manual and thinking, “sounds easy enough!” Then, you open the box with all the pieces and parts and bolts and screws and think, “What was step 1…
