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What Does Accountability Look Like in Marriage?
Is your marriage a safe place to struggle? Lately, I’ve been writing a lot about accountability. It’s perhaps one of the most important and yet misunderstood aspects of a freedom journey. If you write me about your struggle with pornography and ask what you should do, the very first thing I will tell you is you need to share your story with someone (other than me). That’s not because you need a babysitter or because you need shamed. It’s because that’s the first step in tearing down shame and reestablishing community. Pornography, by its nature, is isolating. Shame, by its nature, isolates even more and shrouds in lies. So, sharing…
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Christian Women Watch Porn? Consider This Your Wake Up Call
“Dad, most of the girls I know watch porn.” – a teenage son to his father “I don’t know what the big deal is, every girl watches porn.” – a 12 year old girl in a Texas church “Please help! We did an anonymous survey of our youth group and 100% of our 9th and 10th grade girls indicated they struggled with porn.” – a youth leader from a church in Tennessee There’s a storm coming, and the sirens are sounding. The warning system that tells you to get ready and seek cover. A person much wiser than I once said that it just takes four generations for something to…
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The Mistakes We Make With Accountability
Ask any group helping people overcome a struggle with porn and you’ll probably hear them talk about the importance of accountability. Even Christian organizations will emphasize this important step. But, did you know, accountability as we define it is actually nowhere in the Bible? There are Biblical principles of confession and honesty in community, but there is no chapter and verse that tells you to tell a friend/stranger about your struggle and ask them to check in on you daily. Accountability is a tool that many of us have found useful in our own journeys and in the journeys of those we help. However, based on emails I have received…
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Sharing Your Story with Family: Thoughts on Shame, Grace, and Loss
It’s a question so many women have: How am I supposed to tell my family? My husband? My kids? My parents? Perhaps you didn’t know this. Maybe you did. But my family doesn’t talk about what I do. It’s a complicated dynamic. Along with fierce loyalty and love, there’s some toxic shame and legalism and blame that likes to creep in to the fibers of our family. Some conversations just feel like they aren’t worth the fall out. So, I just kept my book out of the conversation, and my family did too- at least to my face. Then my husband-to-be read it. Since that’s literally how he and I…
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When Porn is Stuck in Your Head
You know what’s tricky about pornography? It’s portable. If you have an issue with drugs or alcohol, you can put physical distance between you and your vice. But if I lock you in a room with access to absolutely nothing, you can still struggle with pornography. I get it. I’ve been there. In the middle of church, all of the sudden thinking about porn. While I’d be praying. While I’d be working on school work. While I’d be reading my Bible. While someone else was talking to me. There are many of you in the same place. You’re doing your best to stay away from it, trying to be free,…
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Pornography on Lockdown: Navigating External Triggers
This is the last post in a series of three on the topic of triggers. In the first, I talked about identifying triggers. In the second, I talked about what to do with internal triggers. This post is going to focus on dealing with external triggers and, as promised, there is a downloadable worksheet that boils down this content to help you find and face your own triggers. Why so much talk about triggers? In my opinion, understanding what your triggers are is vital in helping you walk in freedom from unwanted sinful behavior. In the church, we talk a lot about temptation, but I feel temptations are more universal.…
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Pornography on Lockdown: Facing Your Internal Triggers
In the last post, I talked about finding your triggers. This is something I personally feel is really important to a continued walk in freedom from things like pornography, lust, and even masturbation. I started my freedom journey 16 years ago (yes, I feel old) and I still have to pay attention to my triggers. In this post, I want to tackle what do you once you find your triggers. Originally, I planned to address both internal and external triggers here, but it was turning into a mini book. So, this post is going to be about internal triggers and the next one will be about external. The next one…
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Pornography On Lockdown: How to Find Your Triggers
These are strange days right now. With most of the world in various stages of lockdown, most of us are spending more time at home than usual. There’s already speculation that the traffic to porn websites is bound to increase. After all “what are people supposed to do?” If you’re an addict, a user, a recovering user, or even a recovered user of pornography, days like these can be especially challenging. If you have a trigger, you’re probably encountering it multiple times a day. If you don’t think you have a trigger, you’re likely about to discover you actually do. Boredom. Loneliness. Fear. Isolation. Anxiety. Stress. Accessibility. The list goes…
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Resource Review: With These Words by Rob Flood
This isn’t going to be a normal review for me, mostly because this isn’t a book about women struggling with porn. (You can find resources for that here) But stay with me, because this book is good. I was given free early access electronically by my friends at New Growth Press (who also publish one of my favorite women-who-struggle-with-porn resources, Sexual Sanity for Women). However, after reading just the introduction, I knew I wanted this book, so I went online and bought a copy for myself. My husband and I started reading it together as soon as we got it. Why review a book on communication? My resource page is…