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How I’m Talking to my Toddlers About Sex and Pornography
For years, I stood on stages and gave parents advice on how to talk to their kids about sex and pornography. “It’s not a one-time conversation.” “You have to talk to them once you give them access to the internet because pornography is a predator.” “Use anatomically correct words.” “Don’t be embarrassed.” It’s really easy to say it when you’re the “expert” teaching parents. But I blushed the first time I had to use anatomically correct words to answer my daughter’s questions about her body. I hid the book Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr on our office bookshelf. The day my girls discovered it, I literally sat on it until…
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Five Tips for Staying Connected in the Bedroom
I was recently on the Java with Juli podcast and Dr. Slattery asked me what I would say to the woman who is struggling to stay mentally connected in bed with her husband. In this context, she was specifically talking about women who have struggled with pornography and how they can deal with those mental images, but the question impacts a broader audience. I think many women struggle to stay mentally present when it comes to physical intimacy. This isn’t a problem exclusive to women who have struggled with pornography. There is an increasing awareness of the term “mental load” and how in many couples the women carry the burden…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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The Flirtation Experiment and Why Intimacy Matters
“When does the love fade away?” I was sitting in hair and makeup with Brittni De La Mora, a former porn actress and now leader of XXXchurch and Love Always Ministries. Brittni and I were speaking on a panel for CBN’s Unhooked: Purity in a Pornified World. It’s not often that I get an opportunity to talk with women in similar places of ministry and life. Brittni and her husband got married in 2016. My husband and I got married in 2018. We each had girls, three months apart. So, sitting in the room with her felt like an opportunity to gain some wisdom. My husband and I were just…
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Pastors, How You Preach About Sex Matters.
Pastor, let me ask you a question. How do you talk about sex in church? Better yet, do you talk about sex in church? The longer I am at this, the more I am convinced that how we, as Christians, talk about sex matters. We idolize virginity. For decades, the church at large has adopted a mindset solely focused on purity. When I was a teenager, purity pledges and purity rings were all the rage. But purity was really just a Christian way to say “abstinence.” Our message about sex was “don’t you dare do it before you’re married. If you do, you are forever marked. Your spouse will be…
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Resource Review: The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
I’ve been looking forward to reading The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Uncover What God Intended since the moment I knew it was going to exist. As a writer tackling issues of sex and sexuality in the church, I’m a fan of Sheila’s work. The conversation on sex in the church needs to change. That’s just a fact. So, when Sheila and her daughter, Rebecca, started down this path of addressing lies women believe/are taught about sex, I jumped in support. I gladly donated a stack of old Brio magazines for their research. A couple months ago, I reviewed Talking Back to Purity Culture…
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Is it OK to Fantasize About My Husband?
In the last series, I wrote a post on fantasy and, at the end, mentioned a question I have been asked, “Is it OK to fantasize about my husband?” First, I’m assuming the husband in question is 1) your husband 2) your actual husband and 3) your real-life actual husband. And when I refer to “fantasy” I’m referring to sexual fantasy, not that daydream where you come home and find the house is vacuumed and he’s done all the dishes and cooked a 5-star meal. For some, those may be one in the same. (After all, the saying goes, “sex starts in the kitchen.”) In other words, this question is…
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Should We Treat Porn Like Cheating?
Should We Consider Porn the Same as Cheating? Here’s how the scenario seems to play out in a male struggler/female partner relationship. The woman catches the man watching pornography and the following conversation starts something like this: How can you watch that stuff? Why are you choosing those women over me? I’m right here. Am I not good enough for you? You don’t really love me. You love those fake women on that screen. What!? No! It’s not like that. Of course I love you. Of course I think you’re beautiful. Liar. If you really meant it, you would stop. And the communication continues to degrade. The trust continues to…
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Resource Review: Unwanted by Jay Stringer
Today, I’m reviewing Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer. As a friendly reminder, as is the case for all of my reviews, I buy these books personally and read them cover-to-cover before I share them with you. No paid endorsements here and no quick skims and half-hearted summaries. The only commission I make is through sharing affiliate links like the one below. If it’s not worth my time and money, it’s not worth yours. I want to say I’ve met Jay before but honestly, I don’t know. Maybe? I think we follow each other on social media… maybe? At any rate, his is a…
