I found a Christian forum for women discussing sex. The premise was that they wanted to remove the shame and the feeling that sex was dirty and bad. To do this, married women on the forum answered questions from unmarried women on the forum- questions those unmarried women didn’t have any right to ask. Questions that were way too personal and graphic.
I left after reading a question asking their favorite sexual fantasy. I did not need to read that answer.
The group was created with good intentions. We need to remove this mindset that sex is anything less than God-created, God-honoring, and good. We need Christian women to step up and honor sex. We need to be educating young women about the importance of purity, not so we can sell shiny rings but so we can protect their hearts. All of that is needed. Providing all-access passes to your bedroom is not how you do it.
Perhaps unknowingly, these women had created Christian erotica. Throwing in references to Esther and Ruth and whatever other female Bible name does not mean that you are glorifying God.
The Question We Have to Ask
How can we truly find freedom from something if we enjoy reliving it?
Maybe you’ve experienced this phenomenon before. You find a Christian forum and somewhere in there, women are talking about sex. But it’s not just casually addressing sex and sexual sin, oh no no, it is an in-depth exposition of sex and sexual sin. They aren’t just saying, “I struggle with pornography” they are saying, “This is the pornography I struggle with.” Women get on there and revel in sharing every dark, juicy detail.
I recently wrote a post about transparency and community and Michelle asked a great question, “How do you deal with it?”
If you want my personal answer, I don’t.
One of the huge firing points of Beggar’s Daughter is that we do not glorify the sin. Our sin does not deserve its own forum. It does not deserve its own website. The whole purpose, since day 1 of Beggar’s Daughter has been to pry our eyes off our sin and focus them on grace. That cannot happen when we are bragging, albeit negatively, about what we have done.
Not only does it not help us, but it does not help others either.
Sharing What Really Matters
I was once asked in an interview, “How far in depth in pornography did you get?” The answer, which I’m sure we all share: “Further than I ever wanted to go.”
Here’s my question: Why does that matter?
When we are engaged in dialogue with others about our past, we need to stop focusing on our past. Revealing details can be far less than helpful. We start to reminisce and it makes their mind wander to all they did or haven’t done. It drags their minds and hearts back into the mire. Sticking, “But God save me” on the end isn’t enough to undo all of that damage.
When we share our stories with others, we need to be focused on grace. What we share should move them forward on their walk, closer to Christ.
I know how far I got, but others don’t need to. The specific fetishes or specific methods do not matter and sharing them does nothing but ignite imaginations. It’s not like God’s grace is different for a woman involved in “x” pornography as opposed to a woman involved in “z” pornography. Sharing the details does nothing to clarify the message of grace.
It has nothing to do with pride, nothing to do with self-preservation. It has everything to do with the mandate given in Ephesians 4:29. In the King James it says,
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
In the Amplified,
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.”
Should we talk about sex? Yes, by all means do. We need good, wholesome, open, honest, God-honoring dialogues about sex. The body of Christ is lacking that desperately, but please, as you discuss sex or sexual sin, exercise discretion. That’s a cute Christian way of saying, “Learn when to shut up.” I know many women who have fallen to pornography or masturbation because someone shared too much.