Lust & FantasyWomen & Pornography

What if I’m in it for the Women?

I recently wrote about struggling with male attention addiction.  For some of us, as we recover from a lust addiction, we have a hard time viewing men as people instead of studs.  For others, that isn’t a problem, because they aren’t into porn for the men.

Some women are into porn for the women.

While that might seem to be an entirely different class of problems, don’t be too quick to jump to that conclusion.  There are different ways to understand this idea of being ‘into porn for the women.’  Honestly, all of us, upon further evaluation, might find ourselves into porn for the women.  Maybe there are more, but I can think of three solid camps of thought in regard to this.

Why a woman is “into” women in porn

1. “I am attracted to women.”

This is a real issue presenting today.  Same-sex attraction is a real problem women face, yes, even women in your church.  If pornography carries a stigma, the stigma surrounding same-sex attraction is far greater.  If you are one of these women, I can only imagine how difficult this walk must be for you. Please remember you are not alone, and you are never beyond the reach and redemptive power of the grace of God.

I, personally, never fell into this camp (in fact, thinking I might be in this camp scared me to death– see #2).  However, if you are a woman who battles same-sex attraction and a pornography addiction, know that you are certainly not alone.  In fact, get in touch with Amy over at walkinginfreedom.net.  She gets where you are coming from.

2.  “Am I attracted to women?”

This does not present as an attraction.  This shows up as you try to explain the reason you might be addicted to pornography.  Because pornography is so loudly spoken of among male circles, it is understood to be a predominantly male sin.  So, when a woman is addicted to pornography, she has what would be viewed as a ‘man’s’ addiction.  That poses a problem, since she is not, in fact, a man.

I was once caught red-handed in my sin, but the woman who caught me said, “We know this wasn’t you, women just don’t have this problem.”  Those words rattled me.  I was a woman, wasn’t I?  Wasn’t I?  Maybe I was really a man trapped inside a woman’s body.  Why else would I be struggling so much with this sin?  That was the only explanation.  Oh great, now I think I might be bisexual.  This is fantastic.

3.  I’ve seen it all before.

I think this might be one of Satan’s favorite lies.  I struggled with this a lot.  I somehow convinced myself that the only sin in pornography was seeing naked men and watching people have sex.  Therefore, it was perfectly fine, moral, and acceptable to watch women or to play games that only involved watching women.  It’s no big deal, I thought, I have the same parts.  What’s the harm in this?

For the record, the harm in it is the fact that there is no such thing as a porn site that only has women (at least, not in my experience- what with ads and all).  Beyond that, repetitive consumption of women-only will train your brain to only respond to women, which drags you into the first category- a woman attracted to women.  There’s no such thing as weaning yourself off pornography.  There is no detox plan that involves dropping the hardcore, watching women-only porn for five weeks and then poof, you’re free.

You don’t accidentally back into freedom, you have to intentionally walk in it.

Where you fit

I think every woman, to some degree, could find herself into porn for the women.  You may not fit into one of the ‘categories’ above, but those aren’t the only reasons.  Some women watch porn to see how the women act so they can mirror it.  Some women watch porn and imagine themselves in that woman’s place, getting that love, affection, attention and pleasure.

Where to go from here

Regardless of your reason for being in pornography, the way out is the same.  The struggles along that way may look different.  A woman struggling with same sex attraction may not have a problem with trying to get the attention of men.  She will have her own set of struggles to work through, but the starting point and ending point are the same.

We start in our sin and we end in Christ.  That’s the journey for all of us, porn addict or not.  That is the journey we all must take, and it is a journey overshadowed by the cross of Christ.  He loves us each unconditionally, regardless of the sins with which we have entangled ourselves.  Never believe that the way you struggle with your sin is too much for Him.  His grace is greater.

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13 comments

  1. Great post! My husband and I have talked about this particular topic and there’s definitely a “reading about/viewing women porn is better than men” feeling from him–like it’s not as bad if I’m only reading about/looking at women, but men (or women and men together) would be worse. So yeah, I get it.

  2. Thanks for sharing this breakdown of the draw(s) for women–understanding where they are coming from and what they struggle with helps in being sensitive and appropriate toward them.

  3. Thank you so much for responding to this, Jessica. This is yet another topic within pornography addiction that is avoided much of the time.

    I am actually somewhere between 1 and 2, and definitely 3 as well… I AM attracted to women, causing me to think “am I bisexual?” I think this is partly because I didn’t have any female role models in my life growing up, and so I looked to these seemingly perfect women to show me what being a “real” woman was supposed to look like. Obviously, I couldn’t have been further from the truth.

    “Beyond that, repetitive consumption of women-only will train your brain to only respond to women, which drags you into the first category- a woman attracted to women.”
    Very true… unfortunately.

  4. Thank you for this post and thank you for letting God use you for such an important ministry needed in our generation. Its been such a relief finding resources like this that are helping this problem that has been silent in the church for too long. I’ve come under the category of number 2 & watching porn to see how the women act so i would know what to do when the time came(not trusting God to wait for my husband in total purity somehow thought id jus see once but before long it became a addiction) but MORE SO to imagine myself in that woman’s place, getting that love, affection, attention and pleasure. God has been in the process of showing me what is really BROKEN, and that he delights in me.,that lasting love, affection and attention, comes from HIM. Its hard to believe sometimes that he wants anything to do me but he is so gracious and patient with me., pray for me as I pray for you..the process of unwiring your brain is so difficult., the journey to purity & freedom gets really lonely sometimes. Thank you again for this ministry Jessica. God bless you my sisters. Love and grace. xx

    1. So true. I feel so hopeless @ times because I feel I can’t go to the church about my problem even though it’s supposed to be the “hospital for the sick.” There has been such a hush in the church like if these issues are not talked about then they don’t exist or will miraculously just go away! How can I be healed & set free if I can’t talk about it & get help without being judged!? I fall in category #1. I’ll be 37 this year but have been dealing with this addiction & the addiction of sex in general (male & female) since about age 9. That’s a long time to deal with a problem even though I’ve been raised in the church since day 1! The loneliness has become overwhelming but my isolation seems to be necessary. I don’t trust myself around people. I become too ashamed to even go to church for fear that they can “see” my sin. I struggle with being a Christian but having to have this fight within myself on a daily, hourly basis. I’m exhausted! I feel God will stop forgiven me for being sooo weak. This is a hard road to travel, especially when you feel you are all alone! I just discovered this website about an hour ago. God knows what we need & now maybe I can get answers and my healing can begin!

  5. I do think you missed an important point. It seems like you’re saying that the reason lesbian porn is wrong for women is because it makes women fantasize about sex with women instead of with men.

    I don’t believe homosexuality is necessarily wrong, but I do believe lesbian porn is wrong because it affects the way we view women. It teaches us to objectify women. It affects our friendships. And if a woman wanted to actually have a real romantic/sexual relationship with a woman, porn would negatively affect that relationship. I’m straight, and have never been attracted to women, but I think lesbian porn is still bad for me because it affects my friendships with women. The main thing is that it teaches us to be selfish.

    1. S,

      Again, thank you for commenting. The purpose of this particular post was to answer the concerns of many women who e-mail me asking about their individual attractions to pornography. The three different categories were only to help serve as a way to distinguish the three different types of attraction as I see them and how they can come about. The purpose of bringing up lesbian porn was not to say that it was wrong because it makes you attracted to women but to say that watching lesbian porn because it ‘has all of your parts’ can make you feel you are attracted to women.

      Obviously, I believe all pornography is wrong, and it’s wrong because it is a perversion of God’s plan for sex. So, in that regard I do believe that homosexual acts are in fact, wrong.

      So the purpose of this was not to explain why lesbian porn is wrong but to help explain why straight women might be drawn to lesbian porn.

      1. I think that as straight people, we have no right to decide that same-sex sexual relationships are wrong. It becomes like the rule of the majority, where the majority is deciding what’s right for the minority. Heterosexual people will never have to deal with the consequences of deciding that same-sex relationships are wrong, but they decide that anyway, using the Bible to back up their hurtful views.

        I haven’t found substantial evidence that would prove to me that God only approves of opposite sex relationships, but I don’t think it’s right for me to have an opinion on that matter because I am straight.

        1. Again, I feel like you’re missing the point of the article. This was written for women freaking out trying to figure out if watching women in porn makes them homosexual. It’s a very bizarre occurrence to be attracted to men in real life but then watch women on screen. Speaking from personal experience, it fries your brain. I was trying to help shed some light on their struggles.

          However, I will respond to that last comment.

          Bottom line: absolute truth has to be based on something outside of ourselves. If we base it on the rule of majority then there is no truth. None. So then who’s to say that murder is wrong, or slavery, or child abuse, or stealing, etc. You might say, “Well that’s extreme” but it actually isn’t. After homosexuals stepped forward with the argument of “we can’t help it, we were made this way” pedophiles brought forth the same argument. So, who gets to draw the line?

          Where there is the presence of truths, there must be the presence of absolutes. Mine is not a targeted opinion against anything homosexual, mine is a stance for what God holds sacred. He holds marriage sacred. He likens it to Christ’s love for the church and there are verses to support that same-sex sexual relationships are not Biblical, same with extramarital/premarital heterosexual relationships.

          God esteems marital sex between a man and a woman- anything outside of that- adultery, premarital sex, pornography, homosexuality, bestiality, etc, etc, etc, is a violation of that absolute truth, and therefore wrong. If I, as a single woman, chose to sleep with a man outside of marriage, I view that as the same level as if I chose to sleep with a woman, or a dog, even. There’s no hierarchy. All are a violation of what God calls sacred. So you see, I’m not against things. I am for something.

          I’m not saying that people are not born with sexual bents. I’m not denying the fact that some people might truly be homosexual and there’s nothing they can do to change that. I’m heterosexual, and nothing I can do to change that, but it doesn’t mean I’m sexually active. Being and acting are two different things.

          And on this note, actually, there is a group of gay Christians who practice celibacy (abstinence) because they believe that homosexual sexual relationships are outside of God’s intended design. So if you don’t honor my opinion, I hope you would at least listen to theirs.

          http://www.spiritualfriendship.org

          1. Yes, I’ve heard that viewpoint so many times, but I disagree. You’re still assuming that God only approves of heterosexual relationships. How would you know that? I think it’s unfair for straight people to say that when people who are “truly homosexual” are 1) bent and 2) not allowed to act on their attractions. I think that’s a form of power and control that straight people are using to oppress gay people, and that’s un-Christian.

            As for the Spiritual Friendship link you posted, I never said that gay people should not be celibate. I think they should decide for themselves what God would want of them, instead of having straight people decide.

            Just like there are many gay people who decide that God would want them to be celibate, there are others who decide that God would approve of their relationship. Like this one: http://www.gaychristian.net/justins_view.php

            I know that this is not the point of your blog post, but it still makes me really sad when you make statements like “homosexual acts are a perversion of God’s plan for sex.” How would you know that? I do have many LGB friends who have been hurt by the Christian community when it says things like that.

          2. Thanks for commenting. I’m all for dialogue but I honestly think this is going to be a point where we are going to have to agree to disagree. The fundamental flaw in the logic presented is that truth is up for interpretation. If everyone just gets to decide what ‘works’ for them, then pedophiles are free to do as they please, because how could we ‘rob’ them of that right, and there is no indication against adult-child sexual relations in Scripture. That one is completely societal.

            As far as homosexuality not being as God intended, I think of: Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, and probably most saddening is the passage in Romans 1.

            Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.

            or this in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

            Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

            I can’t really read these any other way but that homosexuality is a sinful act. I know that many in the church are guilty of speaking the truth in judgment and condemnation, and that is unfortunate because there is a way to speak the truth in love. I have friends who are practicing homosexuals who know exactly what I believe and why. They are people and I love them as people. I believe what they are doing is wrong, and I tell them that because I love them, not in a way that makes them sound like the scum of the earth, but in a way that helps them see that God intended differently for them.

            I don’t ‘preach’ to others something I do not myself practice. I said it before, but I view heterosexual sex outside of marriage (whether pre- or extra-) as a perversion of sex as well. So, I am celibate and will be until I get married. If I never get married, then I die a virgin.

            It’s not meant to be oppressive. It’s just meant to be the truth. I know it’s frustrating, because as a single heterosexual woman, I get frustrated. Oppression carries the idea of forcibly taking away someone’s rights. The same sex marriage argument (as well as the hook-up argument) looks at sex as a right, and it isn’t. It isn’t a basic human need either. It is a ‘privilege’ (for lack of a better word) earned in marriage, and marriage is between a man and a woman. There is no allowance or indication in Scripture for anything else.

  6. The difference is that you are giving yourself the option to get married. A gay man wouldn’t want to marry a woman because that would be unfair to both people. If two men love each other, it could be a God-honoring relationship, and they could get married if they felt that was the right path. Relationships are about so much more than just sex. Maybe God would care more about whether love was present in a relationship than the gender of a person’s partner.

    You probably don’t follow other things that Paul said literally. Do you wear headcoverings when you pray?

    1. Thanks again for commenting, I’m going to respond to this final one and then I might be finished, because I feel I keep repeating myself.

      You hinge your argument on the fact that relationships are about so much more than sex, but our discussion is about sex. We are specifically talking about acts of homosexuality and the sanctioning of those acts (ie. homosexual marriage). If it isn’t about the sex, then let them live together as housemates and best friends.

      You asked for Biblical evidence about God’s disproval of homosexuality, and I gave it to you, from the Old and from the New. You then ‘rejected’ that by turning it back on me and asking if I took it literally. Why wouldn’t I? Is it or is it not the word of God? If that isn’t literal then God is perfectly fine with idolaters (see Commandment #1), adulterers, thieves, greedy, drunkards and swindlers, and we are not sanctified or justified. It’s a matter of logic that you can’t negate one thing in a list. Like I said, this is likely going to have to be something where we agree to disagree because you will not be changing my mind.

      As far as headcoverings, they are very much cultural. In that area and in that time, they were a standard form of a woman’s submission to authority much like burkas are in the Middle East. As such, the emphasis that Paul is making in that passage is that a woman needs to conduct herself in dress and in attitude in a way that is submissive to the authority of a man. She needs to recognize men as the head as Christ is the head. In that culture, that was done through head coverings, and there are still some today in America who practice the same. I have a friend who wears a head covering, obviously the Amish and Mennonite still do as well as some Catholics, but culturally, it is not recognized as a symbol of submission. It’s just a headpiece here. (There is a great write-up on this here).

      I can see your rebuttal now, “Well, if you don’t take that literally, then how can you take these other passages literally?” To answer that, I want to ask you a question. If they are figurative, then what does the homosexual man represent? The head covering represents an attitude of submission, which fits with the flow of the passage (speaking of Christ being the head of the church and authority). What does the homosexual man represent if not a homosexual man?

      If they aren’t to be taken literally, then what are those passages saying? Why would it be worded “contrary to nature” or “gave up natural relations” or “debased.” If it isn’t literal, then how do you interpret those two passages, not only in regards to homosexuality but also in their context?