PornographyWomen & Pornography

Porn and Apologies: This is All My Fault

A week ago I asked the question, “Why are we so sorry?”

As I reflected on my own life and the numerous e-mails filled with apologies, I discovered two main culprits.  The first was fear.  We fear the unknown, fear intimacy, and are afraid that we really are a burden, that we really are beyond hope. 

The second culprit is Failure. 

You could also call it guilt, shame, blame, or remorse. An overwhelming sense of failure can cripple us.  It gives us the feeling that we cannot do anything right.  So, we find ourselves apologizing for wrongs that we haven’t committed. 

We apologize for our needs because we feel we shouldn’t be so needy. We feel we should be independent.  We should be able to handle this on our own, and it is our own stupid fault for dragging other people into our stuff.

This goes back to something I’ve written on before: insecurity.

From my post, Insecure in Security

Something is wrong with everything being right.

And I listen! Why do I do that!?

I say, “Hey!  You know what, you’re right!  Things can’t be right here because I’m Jessica and Jessica just doesn’t do things right.  I screw things up all the time.”  So what do I do?  I sin!  Because I apparently think I don’t know how to relate to God unless I am sinning.

We can do the same thing when it comes to apologies.  When pain comes and we find ourselves needing other people to help, we feel like it is our fault.

We feel like we broke ourselves and we feel guilty because we broke ourselves.  We feel like we need to apologize for breaking ourselves and must continue apologizing until we are truly free.

The reality of humanity is that there is brokenness.  We have lost that truth in the modern day church.  Yes, our choices to view pornography were our fault.  Yes, the path of freedom is hard.  No, it is not easy to involve other people in that process, but we need to.  We should not feel guilty for needing the body of Christ.  We should not feel guilty for needing Christ, Himself.  

We need Him; we are hopeless without Him.

The problem is, some of us see that need as a bad thing.  We think that the need to be open and vulnerable is a way to keep the wounds open and remind us of how weak and frail we are.  We act like the ultimate end goal of this is to be able to live life without needing others, even God.  We’re wrong.

No, that does not give us excuse to ignore our problem.  It gives us a reason to stop beating ourselves up over it. You chose pornography; you chose lust; you chose whatever; and it has had its fun.   Get past that.  Stop beating yourself up for it and chose to walk in victory over it.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, because I need reminded too:  We can’t be afraid of brokenness.  Being broken is not the same as being defective.  When you are in an accountability relationship, you are moving toward healing.  You are in the process of being fixed, which means you are not defective- you are being restored.

In order to be restored all of the old stuff has to be cleared out, dug out, broken off, washed out, cleaned off, glued back together and the like.  This process is not meant to make you feel worse about yourself.  When God brings something to the surface, it is not so that you will despair over it and flog yourself for it.  The Holy Spirit brings stuff to our attention so He can heal it, not to discourage us from healing.

Next time you catch yourself saying you are sorry, figure out what it is you are apologizing for.  If it is something God has already forgiven, hold your tongue and cling to this truth:

 “…He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.” Philippians 1:6 {AMP}




  1. Jessica, you are speaking to my heart this week. Everything you are posting is hitting me right where I am. Thank you!

  2. What would you suggest if you have no one to be accountable to?