Lust & FantasyPornographyPurity & Freedom

Steps to a Healing Heart: The “A” Word No One Likes

 So far on the path to freedom, we have looked at the overall path and have started to tune in on the “Unstable Victor.”  This is, by far, the longest stage of recovery, filled with failures, frustrations and confusion (couldn’t think of an ‘f’ word there).  It is in this stage that most women get stuck.  We get tired of being here because it really feels like we are spinning our tires, so to speak.  It is two steps forward, three steps back, and many of cannot understand what is going on in our own hearts and minds enough to be able to make sense of it all.

All the more reason why we are going to say it.  Say it with me.


I know.  About ten years ago I would have stopped reading right there.  I might have even chucked the book across the room.  I would recommend not doing that to your computer at this moment.  I would have been ticked.  In the battle of my mind there would have been mentioned something about not needing anyone but God and that I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry and that no one else could help me any more than I could help myself, etc, etc, etc.

No one likes accountability.  That’s a given.  Very few of us take pride in our failures.  If I’m doing great, well then, please, by all means, ask me, but true accountability– in which I am honest with you about what is going on in my life– hurts.  Don’t tell me that I have to willingly subject myself to that kind of pain.  That’s just stupid.

But, accountability is such a crucial step in our road to recovery– why?  Because it gives you another set of eyes.

In case you had not noticed, your judgement might be a tad bit flawed.  You are not exactly making the right choices, even though you really really want to, and you really really can’t figure out why you are making the wrong choices.  Then you keep reading your Bible and trying really really hard to figure out what’s wrong, but you really really can’t.  But you really really don’t want to tell anybody, but you really really need to.  So step 2, on this journey of a healing heart?

Let someone else in.

Let’s be honest, intimacy scares the living daylights out of us.  We have absolutely no problem imagining intimacy.  We have absolutely no problem with sex, but tell me that I actually have to be vulnerable with somebody on purpose, without sex being an obvious response to that vulnerability, and you’ll scare me.  It is just not a comfortable situation.  It’s one we don’t want to think about, and one we will avoid at all costs.

But accountability is so important because it puts us in a place to own our sin, own the consequences and own the growth.

Beyond that, accountability helps you see the truth more clearly.  Your vision is flawed and you may be 100% convinced that nobody cares about your drama.  What happens when you find someone who does care?  You become 5% suspicious that your vision is flawed and 95% convinced that nobody cares.  As that person continues to care, you realize that your vision was completely flawed and that people do care.  Accountability gives another person the opportunity to be tangible grace.

But it might not be accountability, per se.  Maybe we just need to practice honesty– period.

The biggest periods of growth in my own journey were marked by honesty.  The first was asking for accountability; the second has been simply being honest about my story and letting people in.  Your own growth will be marked the same.  Things grow in the light and open air, not in the darkness.  Honesty will be a crucial ingredient to your growth.

When I am honest in accountability, I am opening up myself for correction and growth.  When I am honest in relationships, I am allowing God to work however He wishes.

Sometimes honesty leads to Him growing me, other times it leads to Him growing others.  Regardless, it always points to grace.



  1. Jessica,

    I came across this post the day you wrote, read the title and then decided I wasn’t going to read it. I have been struggling with sexual purity, and this morning during my quiet time with God, He told me to share about my struggle with my mom. I am so terrified to do this, because I know this is the last thing on earth she would expect me to struggle with. I know I have to obey God, but right now I am literally just shaking at the thought of doing it. This post helped me a lot though, and I just ask that you keep me in your prayers.

  2. Jessica!

    I just had to come back and give you this testimony. Like I had posted, I was struggling all day with getting the courage to tell my mom about my struggles and today I finally did it.

    It was AMAZING! She didn’t judge me, nor did she act extremely shocked. Rather she counseled me, prayed for me, and thanked me for sharing this with her so that she could continue praying for me. Putting my struggle out in the open was humbling and broke me, but it has also been a major step of victory and deliverance for me. I feel so free. This problem of masturbating and pornography and fantasy seems like such a mole hill now that it is in the light. I feel as though I am walking in a new kind of freedom.

    Jessica, I really truly thank God for you. You have no idea what how much your blogs have helped me in my walk to freedom.

    1. Emy!

      That is great! It’s pretty amazing how ‘wimpy’ our sin seems once the light is shined on it, isn’t it? It’s almost like shadows at night. Things can look HUGE, then the sun rises and you see it for what it really is. It’s almost like you realize you don’t have to be afraid and can, honestly, just walk away. I am so happy for you! We need more moms like yours!