-
Questions Girls Ask: Why Do I Struggle with Porn?
If you’re a woman who struggles with pornography, one question you may be asking is “why?” People around you may be asking it too. It’s a question that sends you on an epic quest to find the root cause of your addiction. Because we tell ourselves there has to be a reason. There must be something wrong with us. “Normal people don’t do this.” (It honestly doesn’t help when we link porn addiction to serial killers and sociopaths.) For years, we’ve attached female porn use to trauma. That connection has convinced some female porn addicts that they must be victims of trauma, even when they cannot recall a trauma. As…
-
Patience and Pornography: The Delicate Balance of the Healing Journey
How long does it take to break free from pornography? That’s a common question asked by people who struggle and the people who help them. In a world filled with quick fixes and 8 week plans, it can feel like the road to freedom should be simple and fast. After all, if you really want to stop, why don’t you? Stopping should be easy. Hear me out when I say it’s not that simple. I’m not here to make excuses. If you’re a wife hurt by your husband’s use (or a husband confused by your wife’s use), I’m not here to discredit your pain. If you are a counselor, pastor,…
-
Temptation, Dating, and Building Boundaries That Work
When I was growing up, there were a lot of rules governing how I, as a woman, should interact with members of the opposite sex. It was a joke in our circles to always have a “Bible between” as if an extra six inches of space somehow made you forget the person sitting next to you was attractive. As an adult, I found myself attending a church formerly pastored by Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It was there I was introduced to the awkward side hug, which was a step up from my Baptist upbringing that said, “Thou shalt not touch a man” but still a step…
-
Yes, Christians Need to Start Telling Their Daughters About Sex
Over the years, perhaps courtesy of the “purity” movement, sex has become a little bit like fight club. What’s the number one rule about fight club? We don’t talk about fight club. What’s the number one rule about abstinence? We don’t talk about sex. At least that’s how it seems. Especially among the girls. When I was a teenager, attending church and addicted to pornography, it seemed like the only ones who weren’t talking about sex were Christians. In fact, it seemed forbidden. In church, there was cryptic code for anything sexual (which usually just got addressed as “lust”), and there were no questions. You could ask questions during premarital…
-
Making it Through the Holidays with Hope for Freedom
If you’re a woman who struggles with porn, this time of year can be especially hard for you. You’re not alone, actually. Research has shown that porn use spikes around Christmas time. Coincidentally (or perhaps not) so do dating and relationship searches. Maybe you’re a high school student on winter break. You have all kinds of unsupervised downtime and no real way to connect with friends. You’ll spend way too much time online, just because you’re bored. It’ll start with harmless YouTube videos. Before you know it, you’ll be back in the porn. Perhaps you’re a college student. You’ve just finished exams and endured all the stress that comes with…
-
Why Am I So Tempted When I’ve Never Fooled Around?
You were raised in the church. You followed all the rules. You were “warned” about sex and how it was “dangerous” and were cautioned against igniting sexual passion too soon. “Don’t fool around,” they told you. So, you didn’t. By all accounts, you were the perfect picture of physical purity. Why, then, are you struggling with sexual temptation, or even pornography? How could the struggle be so real when you were so careful to listen to all of the “rules”? You’ve never been alone with a boy, sat too close to a boy, gone swimming with a boy, or hugged a boy, so why can’t you shake this desire…
-
The Secret to Setting Goals (So You Can Actually Reach Them)
It’s that time of year. That time right after Christmas, when we have eaten too much and spent too much and we make a resolution to stop eating so much and spending so much. A new year symbolizes new beginnings, new dreams, new hopes, and second chances. It’s a fresh slate and we determine to make the most of it. So, we set up goals- New Years Resolutions. There are the ‘tangible’ ones: losing weight, running a marathon, getting $5000 in your savings account. Then, there are the intangible ones: being a nicer person, spending more time with family, developing a better routine, breaking free from porn/alcohol/drugs, etc. Whatever your…
-
Thoughts on Donny Pauling (and a message for us all)
It’s late… way too late for this morning person to be up writing, but sometimes, your heart just won’t let you sleep. You could call this a post I never wanted to write. In fact, when I wrote my last post about victims, I fully intended (and still do) on writing a followup about the suspects. Because, sometimes, unfortunately, those suspects are wrongly accused, and that can be completely devastating for them. It was a new thought pattern for me. I’m a victim advocate. If a woman (or man) is brave enough to step forward and claim assault, then we need to be compassionate enough to believe them. That’s how…
-
Christians, Ashley Madison, and Why We Have to Start Talking About Sex
When the news broke about Josh Duggar’s membership on Ashley Madison, I honestly cannot say I was surprised. My heart absolutely broke for Anna and those kids, but the fact that Josh had made these choices did not surprise me. No, I don’t just assume that every man goes out looking for an affair, or that every man would pay money to try to find one. But given his history and how his family reacted in the course of that history, it could almost be expected that he is addicted to pornography and being unfaithful to his wife. It’s also not surprising that he reportedly listed the following…
