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True Love Does Not Wait: Are You Waiting for all the Wrong Reasons?
We’re talking about the idea of purity right now and I have to wonder, why so much of the Christian faith seems to center on sex. One of the first books I wanted to write was going to be called, “True Love Does Not Wait.” I said that during a training session once, and a young newly-married Catholic woman sitting beside me said, “Say that again?” While I am all for abstinence, 1) love and sex are different 2) I can still love people, even men, as a single woman 3) I am weary of a generation of young people wasting their lives obsessed with “waiting.” Why do we focus…
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Should We Stop Talking About Purity?
Purity was a big deal in the 90s. I grew up with purity rings, purity pledges, purity conferences, books, and songs. But, as an adult who speaks to teenagers, I have to ask myself, is “purity” outdated? I don’t mean the idea of abstinence, but the actual language itself. Over the years I have seen the damage done by what can sometimes be a very legalistic, unforgiving, black-and-white, and very confusing so-called purity culture. Depending on where you are, “purity” can also encompass rules about modesty, dating vs. courting, kissing, hugging, etc. Over the next few posts, I want to look at the “purity culture” and challenge those who promote…
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Question Girls Ask: What Characteristics Should I Look For in a Future Husband?
Recently, I was speaking in New Zealand and had the opportunity to do a city-wide all women’s Q & A specifically addressing the issues of fantasy, pornography, abstinence and singleness. It was amazing, and I would be thrilled to do more of these. The category that seemed to be hit heavily was singleness and how you deal with being single into your 30s, while abstinent, somehow navigating a wasteland between a world that says, “Forget marriage, and just have sex” and a church that says, “Wait? What!? Why aren’t you married yet?” I have written about this before. One of my favorite questions was this: What characteristics should I look…
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Why love when you can just have sex? Why love is really worth the work
Do you know what makes stuff like pornography, lust, fantasy, and one night stands so enticing? It’s not necessarily the sexual gratification (though that is for sure part of it). It is that, on the outset, these things are easy. Easier, at least, than love. Love, relationships, real intimacy is hard. Living with people is hard. Sometimes loving them is even harder. It makes sense that we would search for a big “EASY” button that will save us the drama and the hassle. Give me bodies on a screen that I can change at will. Give me Mr. Perfect in my mind so I can win every fight. Give me…
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I Don’t Pray for my Future Husband
When I speak at college or high school events, sometimes I’ll get asked about the practice of praying for my future husband. More and more I see it addressed on other blogs and by other speakers on the issue. I used to do this, (and write him as well!) but I don’t anymore, nor do I encourage young women to. I came of age during the True Love Waits Movement. Signing purity pledges, writing love letters to your husband, and praying for your future husband were all standard ‘assignments’ for young Christians who wanted to honor God with their sexuality and their future marriages. I did them all for…
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Why Am I So Tempted When I’ve Never Fooled Around?
You were raised in the church. You followed all the rules. You were “warned” about sex and how it was “dangerous” and were cautioned against igniting sexual passion too soon. “Don’t fool around,” they told you. So, you didn’t. By all accounts, you were the perfect picture of physical purity. Why, then, are you struggling with sexual temptation, or even pornography? How could the struggle be so real when you were so careful to listen to all of the “rules”? You’ve never been alone with a boy, sat too close to a boy, gone swimming with a boy, or hugged a boy, so why can’t you shake this desire…
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When “Everybody Else” is Getting Married
Tomorrow will mark my grandparents’ 62nd wedding anniversary (yes, 62). My brother and his wife just celebrated their first anniversary earlier this week. Next weekend, I’m going to a bridal shower for a friend from college. (My mother was quick to remind me that she is the last single friend I have from college… thanks, Mom) It’s been ten years since I graduated college, and, let me tell you, it never stops. Yet, “it” never seems to make its way over to me. There have definitely been times over the last ten years I’ve thought, “Oh my goodness, everybody else is getting married!” Let me tell you, those times…
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Kissing is Not Sex: Part 2
I started writing this followup to my previous post Kissing is Not Sex. A couple thousands words later (that is no exaggeration), I realized a few things: 1. I was still nowhere near making my point 2. Thousands of words is far too long for a blog post All of that to say that this topic is probably not succinctly covered in two little (or not so little) blog posts. Whenever we look at anything regarding relationships, there are variables and lots of them. One size simply does not fit all. A relationship between two people with past sexual experiences will look different than a relationship between two virgins in their…
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Kissing Is Not Sex: Part 1
To kiss or not to kiss: that seems to be a question I get a lot. My first kiss was some time during elementary school. While our class was on our way out to recess, two snot-nosed boys were arguing over which of them was my ‘boyfriend.’ Mind you, I was completely oblivious to the apparent importance of this conversation. We were about ten feet outside the school doors when one of them turned around, grabbed both sides of my face and planted one right on my lips. I stood there stunned, while Ashley, my arch nemesis (yes, you can have those in third grade), ran to tell the teacher…
