-
Five Ways I Plan to Protect My Daughter from Pornography
As parents, there are many things we want to protect our children from, but how do we actually protect them from pornography? A few months after my husband and I were married, I found out I was expecting our first child. We soon learned I was carrying a little girl. The news completely surprised me. I always felt I would be better suited as a boy mom and my husband comes from a family of 7 boys and 1 girl, so I just imagined a future full of snakes, sticks, and ER trips. I felt entirely unprepared for pink, frilly dresses, and bows. The prospect was terrifying. But there was…
-
A Message for the Tattooed Non-Virgin: You Belong
I was unbelievably close to entitling this post “God Doesn’t Actually Care About Your Virginity” but figured that wouldn’t go over well with those who don’t read past the title. Maybe you’ve seen the post that recently went viral in Christian circles. A post about how men prefer women who are virgins, debt-free, and who don’t have tattoos. Needless to say, it lit up the corner of the blogosphere that deals with female sexuality among Christians. We might not be a big corner, but we do exist and we don’t take kindly to the sound of wolves slinking (do wolves slink?) into our camp. No, I’m not calling her a…
-
Temptation, Dating, and Building Boundaries That Work
When I was growing up, there were a lot of rules governing how I, as a woman, should interact with members of the opposite sex. It was a joke in our circles to always have a “Bible between” as if an extra six inches of space somehow made you forget the person sitting next to you was attractive. As an adult, I found myself attending a church formerly pastored by Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It was there I was introduced to the awkward side hug, which was a step up from my Baptist upbringing that said, “Thou shalt not touch a man” but still a step…
-
Let’s Talk About Masturbation
Masturbation is one of those things Christians don’t like talking about. Because if there’s one thing that Christians are really good at not talking about, it’s sex and anything related to sexual pleasure. So, for decades, I’m sure, masturbation has been the secret struggle whispered in silence (especially for girls), but we really need to talk about this, because people have questions. Is masturbation wrong if I am not lusting? Is it an “all things in moderation” thing? What else is a single girl supposed to do? I would rather my daughter masturbate than go sleep around. What’s wrong with that? I am a widow; is it wrong if I…
-
Yes, Christians Need to Start Telling Their Daughters About Sex
Over the years, perhaps courtesy of the “purity” movement, sex has become a little bit like fight club. What’s the number one rule about fight club? We don’t talk about fight club. What’s the number one rule about abstinence? We don’t talk about sex. At least that’s how it seems. Especially among the girls. When I was a teenager, attending church and addicted to pornography, it seemed like the only ones who weren’t talking about sex were Christians. In fact, it seemed forbidden. In church, there was cryptic code for anything sexual (which usually just got addressed as “lust”), and there were no questions. You could ask questions during premarital…
-
True Love Does Not Wait: Are You Waiting for all the Wrong Reasons?
We’re talking about the idea of purity right now and I have to wonder, why so much of the Christian faith seems to center on sex. One of the first books I wanted to write was going to be called, “True Love Does Not Wait.” I said that during a training session once, and a young newly-married Catholic woman sitting beside me said, “Say that again?” While I am all for abstinence, 1) love and sex are different 2) I can still love people, even men, as a single woman 3) I am weary of a generation of young people wasting their lives obsessed with “waiting.” Why do we focus…
-
Should We Stop Talking About Purity?
Purity was a big deal in the 90s. I grew up with purity rings, purity pledges, purity conferences, books, and songs. But, as an adult who speaks to teenagers, I have to ask myself, is “purity” outdated? I don’t mean the idea of abstinence, but the actual language itself. Over the years I have seen the damage done by what can sometimes be a very legalistic, unforgiving, black-and-white, and very confusing so-called purity culture. Depending on where you are, “purity” can also encompass rules about modesty, dating vs. courting, kissing, hugging, etc. Over the next few posts, I want to look at the “purity culture” and challenge those who promote…
-
A Pregnant Student, A Christian School, and How We Miss Grace
By now, you’ve likely seen or heard the story of Maddi Runkles, a Christian teenager at a Christian school not far from my hometown. At the moment, she isn’t allowed to walk in this year’s graduation… because she is pregnant. To me, this story is less about sexual purity and more about the practice of making sure we don’t “flaunt sin” as some conservative Christians may call it. In other words, it’s about shame. Wrong choices have consequences, we think, and one of those consequences is you don’t get to have what others have. It results in this strange exaggeration of consequences typically to make an example and to make…
-
I Don’t Pray for my Future Husband
When I speak at college or high school events, sometimes I’ll get asked about the practice of praying for my future husband. More and more I see it addressed on other blogs and by other speakers on the issue. I used to do this, (and write him as well!) but I don’t anymore, nor do I encourage young women to. I came of age during the True Love Waits Movement. Signing purity pledges, writing love letters to your husband, and praying for your future husband were all standard ‘assignments’ for young Christians who wanted to honor God with their sexuality and their future marriages. I did them all for…
