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Porn Made Me Feel Like a Lesbian

Xu Duo

Before you read one more word, let me make something clear:  This is not a post to bash homosexuality or to even debate homosexuality.  Do I believe it is not what God intended?  Yes.  That belief, however, does not negate the fact that there are Christians who really, truly grapple with homosexual desire.  While we’re talking about porn, we need to be talking about that too.  There are Christians (men and women) who, as Biblical as they try to live, cannot shake the feeling that they either a) are drawn to their own sex or b) are not drawn to the opposite sex.  

I am not here to speak to them because I don’t understand them.  I just know they are out there, and know that they deal with damning, hell-fire and brimstone shame every day of their lives.  I have friends who have been there and will gladly (with a capital G) send you their way if you are someone who struggles with this.  You need to know God loves you and that you are not as stuck as you think you are.

This post is about how pornography made me question my sexuality, and yes, I think there is a difference between homosexuality and questioning sexuality, though it might bring the same result.  If I had to try and clarify the difference, I would say that homosexuality stems from within, while questioning sexuality comes from outside sources.

I’ve never considered myself homosexual, but there was a point when I thought I must be.

It wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted to men; I was and still am.  It wasn’t because I was attracted to women, because I wasn’t and I’m not.  I thought I was a lesbian simply because I watched porn.

I will tell you it’s really bizarre to struggle with lustful thoughts toward men, and then think you’re a lesbian.  Actually, you wonder if you are a man trapped in a woman’s body.  Then you wonder if you like women or men.  After all, pornography is all about the women, but in life it’s all about the men.  So, does that make you a bisexual women or a bisexual man trapped inside a woman’s body?  Does that technically make you a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body?  …What!?

That would be questioning sexuality.

It’s not an uncommon ‘side effect’ of pornography and the stigma surrounding it.  Because there is this idea that women don’t do this, women who do ask themselves why.

Let me walk you through the logic for a minute.

We have to start with this basic understanding that pornography is designed to appeal to men.  That’s the reality of the matter.  Now, it’s becoming more female-consumer oriented (thank you, Magic Mike), but the truth is porn, as a whole, is geared toward men.

The problem is, we extrapolate that truth to say: “Therefore, only men watch pornography.”  That’s how we act.  That’s how books are written.  That’s how seminars are held.  That’s how support groups are formed.  They are all based on this premise that only men watch pornography, and its sidekick: All men watch pornography.  Neither of those statements are true.

So, when you are, in fact, a woman watching pornography, you have some things to settle here.  If pornography is only for men, then the first thing called into question is why on earth it entices you, as a woman.  Why does it ‘work’ for you?  Why does it draw you in when it is only ‘supposed’ to draw men in?

What’s wrong with you?  What’s wrong with your woman-ness? (not a word)  Maybe, you are, in fact, not really a woman.  Well that line of thought drags you back into that tangled web of what exactly, you are.  Once you get tangled up in that, you drown in guilt and shame.  As if watching pornography wasn’t enough, now you get to stack homosexuality on top of it all.  Great.

That’s the little merry-go-round of thoughts I had myself stuck on for a while.

I was pretty sure I liked men and was drawn toward men.  I’ve had roommates and was never once sexual attracted to one of them.  Still, I had myself so confused simply because I was a woman who watched pornography and who liked watching pornography.  There were even times I watched lesbian pornography.  We’ve talked about that before.

Many of you have e-mailed me, stuck in that some little black hole of thought.  Let me help you out.  Let’s get one thing straight, here:  Women watch porn.  Heterosexual women watch pornography.  Why?  Not because we’re men trapped inside women’s bodies.  Not because there is an inner lesbian just waiting to crawl out.  We watch it because we’re humans– sinful, broken humans.  In all honesty, we watch it because it goes against everything God intended and our tricky little hearts love to do just that.

We watch it because for some reason it speaks to some need in us, not a need to be with women, but a need much deeper than that.  A need to be loved, cherished, accepted, appreciated and it solves that need without having anything to do with God.

So, please stop.  Stop listening to the devil as he tries to layer guilt upon guilt and shame upon shame by telling you that deep down inside you aren’t really you.  Stop questioning.  You are a woman, made that way by an all-knowing, all-loving God, and He has every ability to free you from porn and whatever else may trouble you.  You have got to stop looking for excuses to run.

If you are someone who legitimately does struggle with homosexual attraction, feel free to head over to my friend, Amy’s blog, Walking In Freedom.  She gets you, and I know she would be happy to help.

Photo: 
Jonathan Kos-Read / Foter.com / CC BY-ND