PornographyPurity & Freedom

Traps to a Relapse: “My Little Secret”

Sin thrives in secrecy.  It loves darkness, lives in darkness, breeds in darkness.  Your resolve to kill it is not enough.  The only thing strong enough to kill it is Light.

There is a strong power to be found in confessing our faults; but sometimes the powers of fear and pride are even stronger.

Some say, “Well, isn’t God enough?”  Yes and no. 

See, God is enough in the sense that He is the only one you need to confess to.  He is the only one able to offer true forgiveness and restoration.  In fact, unless you are married, God is the only one you have offended in this besides yourself.  So yes, He is enough.

The real question is, is He enough for us?  See, God already knew we were sinning, so often time our confession to Him isn’t much on our part.  We can often adopt the idea of “continuing in sin that grace may abound.”  It’s comforting to know that when I sin, God is just going to forgive me when I ask Him.  We are twisted.

That twistedness makes it often necessary for us to tell someone else that we are struggling.  But it isn’t easy because the devil knows that freedom waits on the other side of that confession.

My Struggles are Nobody Else’s Business

I understand the “but it’s nobody’s business” attitude.  I had it.  Whenever someone would mention accountability, I would become enraged.  “Who are they to think I have to tell them what I struggle with?  It’s none of their business!”

I would skip over the “accountability” chapters in books.  It seemed like some torturous ritual– I confess and will be forever-branded as a freak.  A sinner.  A pornographer.  That would be my new identity.  My friends would no longer want to talk about life, they would want to say, “So, have you fallen?” and what if I had?  Then I had to listen to them lament and whine about my failures (as if they didn’t already hurt enough).  No thank you!  It was no one’s business but God’s; accountability was not for me.

But I never found freedom.

I found little mini-victories.  In fact, I found a sense of freedom in that I didn’t actively struggle with pornography anymore, but it was equivalent to locking a murderer in my basement and trying to function with life as normal while he is trying to hack down the door.  It wasn’t quite the life.  Living in constant paranoia that it would break through and get me or that someone would look into my life and say, “What is going on?”

But one day, I opened that door.  Someone challenged me to.  To open that door and let the light flood the darkness.  So it was that I wrote on a piece of paper, “Jessica Harris– pornography.”  It was gut-wrenching.

I felt like I had opened the door and had released a caged animal.  Now it was eating away at me with a ferocity that I had never known before.  It was breaking me, but then, someone rescued me.

I had opened that door with a team of people there to protect me, and as the battle ensued, they stepped in to fight it for me.  Those people, with the strength of Calvary, covered me in love and forgiveness and shone a light into that darkness.

… to be continued…