It happened… again. You were doing so well. Fourteen days without lusting and masturbating. Then, it happened. He said ‘hi’ and your heart wandered. A late night with yourself leads to a morning of regrets.
You roll out of bed and see your Bible there. This mixture of emotions wells up inside you. Voices- some loud, some soft. Phrases- some lies, some truth. There you stand, torn between the inexplicable impulse to scream and throw your Bible across the room and the insatiable need to just cry and run to Jesus.
There’s a choice, in that moment. As His heart gently calls to us, and His Spirit beckons us to come to Him, we have a choice.
Perhaps you make it out of obligation, trudge over to your Bible and flop it open to something “easy.” Your eyes scan the pages, but all it is is black and white text. Two chapters- done. You shut the cover. What was that you just read?
You’re just having an off day. God is going to have to understand that. You just don’t feel like it today. You aren’t His today. Your heart belongs to another, and you just don’t feel like going through all that drama to give it back. You’ll hang out here for a while. As long as you’re down, you might as well roll around in the mud.
Eventually, you’ll snap out of it. Like the prodigal son, you will come to your senses, and the waves of guilt and shame will flood you again and pull you under. Was it worth it?
No, it never is. As good as it feels to have a ‘bad’ day, the end result is never worth it. All the dopamine in the world can’t numb this pain. All the oxytocin you can manage can’t make you feel better.
And there’s that Bible again. No, God, not today. Today I just need to feel sorry for myself. Today, I need to do my due penance. I need to beat myself up, punish myself. I am just not ready to deal with this yet.
Then, we run dry. We run out of resources. We’re down, and life is kicking us. Broken, dirty, exhausted, and weary, we crawl our way back to His feet- His bloody, nail-pierced, feet, and cry out for mercy. One look into His eyes reveals the pain of a broken heart. We’ve done it… again.
For all the times He has freed us. For all the times He has come to our rescue, we still manage to end up stuck again. Surely, His mercy is running short.
And there’s that Bible again.
“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s…The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
Oh dear one, His mercy, grace, and love are abounding. He loves you as His child. He has compassion for you, compassion so deep, a love so strong, it rewrote history for you.
Stop running from the One who loves you more than you could even love you. There is mercy for the fallen.