We just addressed how to handle lust as a single woman, which leads us to one of the biggest lies we would all love to believe:
When I get married, I won’t struggle with this anymore.
I want you to meet Amy. Amy has been following Beggar’s Daughter for a while now and has her own blog on this subject, walkinginfreedom.net. She is married and struggled with pornography before her marriage but then turned around and went back to it afterwards. Her story is one I have seen many times and I hope reading it will do one of two things for you…
1. If you are not married, it will help you realize that marriage is not the answer. You can struggle as a married woman.
2. If you are married, find hope and encouragement in Amy’s story.
Note: All emphasis is mine (Jessica’s)
In just a few weeks I will be celebrating my 8-year anniversary with my husband. Our anniversary always makes me think about that joyful time of expectantly anticipating the future we would have together. I felt so blessed to find a godly man who loved God with all of his heart. It felt so good to put my past behind me.
I had given my life to God and was now living for Him. I never dealt with anything in my heart from the pornography I immersed myself into years before, but I thought that time would just heal me. I never realized until I got married that all of the lust, lies, hurt, pain and anger were still just below the surface of my thoughts. My heart had never healed.
Several years earlier, I had one of my first encounters with pornography. I decided to watch a porn movie with my boyfriend. Little did I realize that this would eventually lead to a drastic change in my heart – leading me to question my sexuality. I started watching these movies with him on a regular basis, and a subtle change started happening. Little by little, I started looking at the women in the movies more than the men. I just ignored my growing fascination.
I had no idea that I was actually “training” my brain to look at women in a sexual way.
Years later, I gave my life to Christ. I walked away from pornography, but I failed to recognize or deal with the chaos and destruction it created in my heart. I still often questioned my sexuality but never quite knew what to do with that all – so I buried it even deeper into my heart.
When Kevin and I got married, I had no idea how broken I was. I had stopped looking at pornography years prior, but my heart was an absolute mess. As a result, I brought all of it with me into our marriage.
I didn’t realize until I got married that I didn’t even know what real intimacy was.
As time went on, the poison hidden in my heart started to surface. During intimate moments with my husband I would find myself drifting off into another world – one that included fantasies that didn’t even include him, but rather the women I remembered from the porn I used to consume. This was a world I thought I left behind. I chose to ignore the fantasies I conjured up in my mind. I was in complete denial of the state of my heart and how sinful my thought-life had become; not to mention, how destructive it was to my marriage.