Lust & FantasySex & Singleness

Is Marriage the Answer?

If only I could get married!  Then I wouldn’t struggle anymore!

I receive many e-mails from single young women frustrated by the losing battle against lust.  A great majority of them feel that if they could just get married their struggles would be over.  While I can’t speak from personal experience, the many e-mails I receive from married women frustrated by the losing battle against lust leads me to believe that this assumption is false.  Marriage is not a fix-all.


God would never make another person a prerequisite to us being free.

It makes no sense for Christ to die on Calvary in my place, for my sin to give me freedom only to require that I get married first before I receive that freedom.

Marriage does not free us from lust, it consummates our lifelong battle against our God-given sex drive.  But lust and our sex-drive are not the same thing and we have to deal with the lust problem before we can properly handle our sex drive.

That’s the issue with seeing marriage as an end-all for your struggle with lust.  If you struggle with lust, you have developed a pattern of fantasy, a habit, a way of thinking that goes against God’s design for sexuality and will destroy your marriage.  You will be able to have sex without guilt but it will not satisfy.  Your heart, your body will always be wanting more.  That’s the thing about lust.  It doesn’t give up.  It doesn’t just run away when you say “I do.”  You may be able to partake in sexual love as God intends, but if you haven’t dealt with lust problem it will twist the beauty of what God intended.

One e-mail from a married woman breaks my heart to this day.  She struggled with lust before she was married.  She was addicted to it, really, but promised her boyfriend to wait until their wedding night.  They did, but she still struggles with a hardcore pornographic addiction.  It has eaten away at her so much that she can’t stand her husband.  In her e-mail she told me that in order for her to be able to be intimate with her husband, she must go in the other room and watch pornography first.  So for her, marriage didn’t end her struggle with pornography, it only made it worse.

Lust is a sin, and sin destroys.  It pursues, targets, and kills whatever good may rest in its path.  Is marriage to be desired?  Absolutely!  Is it going to fix all of your problems with yourself?  Absolutely not!

It is so important for us to find our freedom in Christ.  He is enough; His work is enough.  He doesn’t depend on your future husband or wife to bring you your freedom.  So get up!  Quit making excuses for your current struggles.  Embrace the truth of God’s word and walk in freedom.



  1. Great post!

  2. As an addict who has been married for almost 16 years, I completely agree. Marriage is NOT the answer for struggling. There are times when I have aroused myself with pornography and then used my husband (unbeknownst to him) to satisfy that arousal. There have been times I have been unable to be intimate with him due to the horrible shame I have felt. And then there have been times when I have been…present. Pornography put aside, arousal due only to him as God intended, and intimacy achieved. That has been glorious, as God intended. I have been recovering from addiction one year longer than I have been married (the anniversaries are four days apart). I could never have had a healthy marriage or sex life if I hadn’t have tackled my addiction and recovery first.