Many you have e-mailed me asking if you will ever be able to get married. The answer (from this single mouth) is ‘yes.’ In fact, I believe there is enough Scripture to make the case that you should not just consider it, but you should desire marriage.
Desiring Marriage is Not Lust
I never thought I would have to say this (but I’m saying it for you and for me): Your desire for marriage does not make you screwed up. It is not wrong.
That is a twisted little (ok, maybe big) poisonous lie straight from the pit of hell. Leave it to the devil to make us feel bad about desiring a good thing. Marriage is not wrong. Desiring marriage is not wrong. Desiring sex is not wrong. Desiring marriage so you are free to have sex is not wrong. In fact, the Bible presents our sex drive as one of the motivating factors for marriage!
For proof, let’s go to 1 Corinthians 7- the infamous “Everyone should be single” passage.
“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. ” (ESV)
Notice how Paul, the author of this passage, does not say, “You need to stop desiring sex” or “you need to have self-control.” This is not a “get over it” passage. This is a “comme ci, comme ça” passage. It’s not good; it’s not bad. Paul makes the argument here, “Hey, if you can handle being single, be single, but if your sex drive is going bonkers, then you should marry.” (paraphrased)
Guess what? Women have sex drives.
One of you wrote me the other day and there was one line in the e-mail that made me smile:
It gives me such hope knowing I’m not just some sicko with a huge sex drive like all the Christian books say women don’t have.
I know this isn’t a book, but let me just put it down in writing for you.
Christian women can desire sex.
And if you are one of those women, you are not a “sicko.” Shame on us as a church for making people feel gross over desiring something God loves.
I think a huge hurdle for us to cross as women is this understanding that sex is good, and yes, we are allowed to want it. In fact, we are not weird if we want it more than men.
I’ve quoted Lauren, from the Good Women Project, a few times as she has shared her journey of marriage. Lauren also struggled with pornography in her younger years and readily admits to pretty much blowing every single female sexual stereotype out of the water. She is very open about the fact that she desires sex more than her husband. In fact, in her marriage, she says, the stereotypes are flipped.
Now, sex isn’t everything to marriage. I’ve addressed that before, have had married women come on here to share about it, and plan on talking about it yet again. What is important for you to understand is that marriage is not off your list of possibilities just because of the choices you have made.
There is also the whole part of intimacy that we need to consider, but the bottom line is:
stop looking at your future as if you’re a freak.
You’re a redeemed daughter of God with a sex drive He gave you.
The road of singleness as a former addict can be very difficult. There are questions, both practical and emotional that can plague our lives. What man could ever love me? How do I tell him and when? How could this affect our marriage? Do I really feel I could marry this guy or is that just lust talking? When am I OK to start dating? Is God punishing me for my choices?
If you are struggling with those questions, I would really strongly encourage you to share that struggle with someone. You can be vague if you wish (“I just feel like God might be holding out on me.”). Sometimes it just helps to talk through the doubts and fears in our hearts with people who can help shed some light of truth into our lives.
I don’t think the road to marriage for us is easy, for many reasons, and I may cover some of those in the coming weeks and months. While it may be difficult, it is not impossible.
Oh my, YES!
Happily–very happily!–married for 18 years! Does addiction make things more challenging? You bet! Did I marry an amazing man of God who accepts me for who I am and the struggles that I have? Yes.
Thanks so much, Tina. I have always been encouraged by you!
As a pastor for 30 years, I have dealt with many, many men who are recovering addicts, men who are single and men who are married. I have ministered with lots of confused, hurting married couples. Frankly, I have great admiration for men when finally they are honest and willing to walk in the light. Is their road easy? Hardly… but it’s possible to move ahead in freedom and walk in the Spirit. … That said, I and other men I know have great respect for sisters in the faith who are equally honest about their struggles with lust. We do not and will not hold their struggle against them. Just as men do not want you to hold theirs against them. In fact, most men I know find humble,honest, forthright, transparent, and determined women who have similarly struggled — Quite attractive and lovely. Men admire and respect women who walk in the light of Christ and, indeed men do find such women quite desirable. … So ladies, be of good courage. Men very much admire that! They do look up to you! Often you give men much needed courage with their own struggles with lust. Men want you to think highly of yourself, to give yourself lots and lots of grace. Those kind of women make men smile with admiring smiles… AND men, have the courage to treat women tenderly, kindly and with the respect they crave and absolutely deserve!
Thank you so much for that reply. I am sure it will encourage many of the women who read this page!