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Finding Accountability: What are You Looking At?

It doesn’t matter if a woman is familiar with the darkness.  You don’t want to know more about the darkness.  You need a woman who is familiar with the Light.

Many women complain about the difficulty in finding an accountability partner on this journey of breaking free from lust.  Yes, I agree there is difficulty.  There is a stigma, and it is a noticeable one.  If you are waiting for sin to be stigma-less before you decide to get help, you’ll be waiting until the day you die.  Sin has always carried a stigma.  Ever since the Garden of Eden, sin has brought with it feelings of guilt, shame, fear, inadequacy, judgement, wrath– the works.

Think about it.  Adam and Eve ate fruit they weren’t supposed to eat and the domino effect that followed shows how jumpy we get when confronted by the holiness of God.

They disobey God.  They realize that disobeying God was probably a bad idea (no, scratch that- it was a bad idea).  Regret.  Followed quickly by a shame which resulted in a new line of seasonal trends in leaves.  Leaves still weren’t enough, so they decide to hide themselves, and their shame, from God.  Fear of judgement.  When confronted with their wrong, their intial reaction was to blame everybody and the snake instead of owning up to what they did wrong.  Sin carries with it consequences that we cannot escape no matter how much we would like to hide.

You can wear your leaves and hide in the garden but you will not find healing there.

Stigma and our human pride aside, there are other issues that make finding an accountability difficult.

We’re looking the wrong way!

So many women say that they are “trying to find someone who understands where I’ve been.”

That boils down to “My perfect accountability partner is someone who has struggled with pornography and knows what I am going through” and that isn’t accurate.

First off, there is no perfect accountability partner, and second, your addiction to pornography has nothing to do with this.

You need to figure out what you are trying to accomplish with this.

Are you looking for a buddy to whine with or someone who is going to kick you in the pants and help you grow?

If you are serious about allowing God to take His rightful place in your heart and serious about walking in a life of freedom, you don’t need to worry about someone who understands where you’ve been.  You need someone who understands where you are going.

It is so important for us to find Godly accountability partners who will lead us closer to Christ.  When you are looking for an accountability partner, look for someone who loves the Lord passionately and outwardly.  Look for someone who encapsulates the love and life you hope to one day possess.

While your story may shock her, if she truly loves the Lord, she will look to Him for wisdom and He will give her the grace she needs to help you.

I tell the story often of one of my friends.  She went splunking (caving in the raw) with some of her friends years ago.  They spent hours in the cave, enjoying the adventure.  Since they were splunking, there are no arrows or guides.  This was a natural cave, not a man made excavation, but they were fairly certain they could find their way out.

On their way back, they become lost inside the cave.  Night began to fall and the temperature inside the cave was dropping quickly.  They cried out for help but were unable to raise any response.  Their medical training alerted them to the dangers of being mud-covered and wet, without food or water, inside a cold, dark cave.  They recognized the immediate peril and began to do what they could to survive.

They stopped their search for the exit and huddled into a smaller room inside the cave.  There, they stayed close and did jumping jacks and other exercises to keep their core body temperature up, but they were beginning to feel the effects of the cold.  They huddled up on the cold cave floor, praying for someone to realize they were missing.

Someone did.  Two women who had accompanied them on the trip had opted out of the splunking adventure.  These women waited outside of the cave for hours, wondering where these girls were.  After night fell, they drove to the nearest park ranger office and a search and rescue team was assembled.

The team entered the cave and began their search.  They were familiar with the entrance to the cave, and knew that a few yards in from the mouth was a sharp drop in the cave floor that opened up into a large room.  The rescuers began calling out the names of the young women trapped inside.  Their calls were heard and my friends were quick to answer.  Within minutes, they found their way out to safety and warmth.

How my friends got to where they were didn’t matter.  What did matter is that they were lost.  It turns out, they were in that little room, just yards from the opening, but they had no way of knowing that.  They were so close to freedom.  They just needed someone to show them the rest of the way.

That’s our objective in finding freedom.  We don’t have to explain how we got lost or show someone how we got to where we are.  All we need is someone who can help us find the Light.


One comment

  1. LOVED the analogy!!
    I had a AP who was a fellow addict, but ended up so consumed with her own recovery that she wasn’t much of a partner. Ended up with several godly women since then, who, although they haven’t “walked a mile in my shoes”, do understand the point of godly living. Excellent advice!