As a single, almost-28-year-old woman, I have a confession to make: I have dressed with a motive of ‘catching a future mate’ (yes, catching- like a fish) more times than I wish to count.
In fact, if I’m not careful, I can still do it. A couple Sundays ago, I found myself spending extra time on my hair and makeup, and the thought crossed my mind: “You never know who might be there!”
It was church. The only “who” I should have been anticipating was Jesus, but there I was, getting ready for worship and making sure everything was ‘right’ in case the future hubby was there.
Ever been there?
I stopped, did a heart refocus and went to church.
As women trained by lustful hearts and the words of romance novels or porn videos, we have been very poorly trained when it comes to interacting with the opposite gender.
From one direction, we expect them to be perfect, well-muscled, baritones in shining armor. On the other side, we expect them to be sex-craving lunatics who only want one thing. We either expect everything from men or nothing from them.
It is an all-or nothing approach we take to all of our freedom. Our pasts, our sensitivity, our fear of falling, our guilt, all make us feel that any sexual thought is lust. It is all or nothing. Either we are lusting or we are not thinking about sex at all. This is why we feel guilty, dirty, or sinful when we find a guy attractive, when we get turned on for no good reason, or have sexual dreams.
It’s all or nothing with us- if we are thinking about sex, it has to be lust. This creates a problem for us as we broach the topic of guy-girl relationships.
You want the relationship because it is natural to want it, but you fear the sexual tension that will inevitably follow. When you boil it down, when we choose our future mate, we are also choosing our forever sexual partner. Now, that shouldn’t be a primary factor in your relationship, but it will come up, because that is how we, as humans, work.
As women who are sensitive to issues of lust, it can be tempting to squash those feelings, or to shove them under the rug, and then take them out and flog ourselves with them later. We tell ourselves that we are not strong enough, that our minds are still dirty, that we should not be having these ‘problems.’ Yet, so many times, the ‘problems’ we are having are not problems.
If you are a single woman, listen to me:
It is OK to anticipate sex. It is OK to desire marriage.
Should we dress in sexually provocative ways? No. More importantly, should we act seductively? No. But we have to recognize the fact that women, too, were given sexual desires, and it is OK to recognize those. Do we dwell on them? No. Do we indulge them in sinful ways? No.
The desires themselves are not sinful; the way you respond to those desires can be. Do you go home and fantasize about the man you met today? Do you plan out your wedding night when he asks you out on the first date? Do you wear a dress just a little tighter, a little lower, a little shorter, in order to draw sexual attention?
[Tweet “Your God-given sex drive is not the issue; the way you handle it is.”]
By all means, look forward to marriage, look forward to sex. It is not sin to desire what God has for us. I don’t think God would have it any other way!
Now, as promised, I am giving away a copy of Joshua Harris’ book, “Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is).”
It is an absolutely fantastic book helping to draw the line between Godly sexuality and worldly lust. I benefited so much from reading it, and I am sure you will too. Since I’m no expert in running these sorts of things, I am using Rafflecopter. Here it is!
Some of the entry options require a little ‘work.’ Be sure to share around!
PS: I am not sure about international availability/translations. If someone outside of the US wins the random draw, I’ll see what I can do.