I sat, listening to my friend, Matt, on radio, as he talked about the False Intimacy of Pornography.
The third caller in was a young woman named Megan- a woman gifted with a high sex drive, and frustrated by her husband who found no desire for her. Their teenage years had been filled with sex; their marriage filled with none. My heart broke as she talked about how she watches pornography, and feels like it is OK, but at the same time is frustrated and irritated by the situation.
This is a letter to her and any other woman in a similar place.
I don’t know if you will ever see this, but I hope you do. I want you to hear my heart when I tell you you are not alone. Please know that the water you’re drinking is not water at all. It will deaden your heart and destroy your worth. There are some things you need to know.
It’s OK to have a high sex drive. We live in a society that makes it look like men are the only sexual ones. Women simply are the ‘receivers’ but that is not true. That is a stereotype, and a wrong one. Women, like men, are sexual beings. We, like men, have hormones that make us desire sex. Some of us more than others and sometimes more than men. That is OK. Having a sex drive is not a sin.
You are right to be hurt by being ignored sexually. Part of your husband’s ‘job description’ is to be your sexual partner. You should be comfortable coming to him with those desires. You two should be able to communicate clearly. The fact that he is not attracted to you or your body and has no desire to interact with you sexually should hurt you. It is not natural. It is not normal. It needs to be addressed.
You are not the only woman who has turned to pornography. Women with high sex drives or broken hearts often turn to pornography. Do not feel alone in that choice, and don’t feel weird about the fact that it doesn’t seem to bother you.
Pornography is not the answer. It may feel OK now. It may feel justified or vindicated, after all, how else are you supposed to deal with the fact that your husband does not want you? How else do you cope with that sex drive and that intimate and painful rejection? Pornography may seem like a quick fix, but all it does is numb. All it does is numb the pain. It does nothing to heal, nothing to change, nothing to restore.
Healing. Change. Restoration. As hard as that may be, that has to be the desire of your heart. Your marriage has to heal; you have to heal. Your husband may have his own porn addiction from which he has to heal. It’s a hard road, but it is the best road, because it is the road that leads to freedom. There is no freedom on the road you travel now.
Please look for that hope, change, and restoration. Turn your heart toward true healing. Your worth, your beauty, your satisfaction is found in Christ. Run to Him, Megan. When your husband says no, yet again, cry out to God. Cry to God on behalf of your husband, on behalf of your marriage, on behalf of your own heart and life. Run to Him, lean on Him, trust Him- He knows every detail of your situation. He knows every part of your body and every desire of your heart. Trust Him.
Know that I will be praying for you. Praying that you find healing for the hurt in your life and in your marriage. He is Our Healer, and He is more than able to fix this. Whatever you do, do not give up. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your husband. Fight for your purity and all that you know God intends for you.
If you want to speak with a woman who has been right where you are, head over to walkinginfreedom.net and meet my friend, Amy.