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Caught in Spin Cycle


One minute you’re overflowing joy; the next you want to shoot something.  Add that to the list of things no one ever told you about freedom.

Sometimes it sounds so easy.  Oftentimes, it makes perfect sense on paper, but living out our freedom can be quite the task.

I’ve recently been in conversation with a young woman who is at her breaking point (the good kind).  She has acknowledged she can’t do it on her own, has sought accountability for it, and now is clinging for dear life to a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control.  It’s the sin spin cycle, and I would hazard a guess we all go through it.

One moment, life is great.  The next moment, the whole world is a bunch of hypocrites and we are fired up that they all look perfect.

So what is going on, really?

This, my friends, is the slow death of your pride.

We make the mistake of thinking that lust is the only issue we have, when all along, the thing keeping us here has been our pride.

Face it.  People around us have expectations of us, and we know that our dark lifestyle does not fit them, but we want that acceptance.  That desire for acceptance is what drew us here in the first place.

When we step out on the path of freedom, our first step is confession.  We deliberately choose to become unacceptable.  We already are, but now we are admitting we are, and admitting to the world around us that we do not in fact meet its expectations.  And then it starts to feel like we tripped over some self-destruct button and the world is preparing to implode at our feet.

It is.

The world as we have known it (maybe even as we have made it) is about to change.  We are about to become vulnerable.  We risk being unloveable.  We risk being abandoned.  We risk guilt and shame.  Once we were in control, and we are no longer.  Our most intimate filth is going to be open to scrutiny and it scares us stiff.  We are forcing ourselves to open up and let God search, and heal and on this side of it, we have no clue what that is going to cost us, and it scares us. 

It scares our pride to death.

The reaction to that fear takes so many forms, but no matter which one you choose, it will leave your head spinning.  No matter how frustrated people get with you, they could never be more frustrated than you are with you.  It’s an aggravating cycle.  On one hand there is the desire to surrender, to be truly free, to let God and all His grace wash over us and to rid ourselves from the expectations and be able to be broken so God can heal us.  On the other hand, there’s the comfortable, the normal, the life we know, the life that has left us trapped.  The fact that there is even a debate shows the strength of our pride.

I wish I could offer some quick and easy 3 step plan to killing pride.  The only advice I can give for this period, this spin cycle, is to cling to God like you never have before.  Grab on to Him and seek His help in fighting this battle.  The cycle does slow, I promise.

Just don’t give up.