Sex & Singleness
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Don’t Carry Shame With You: Hope for Future Relationships
Shame. For years, it’s been part of this conversation surrounding porn use. Shame is perhaps the greatest influencer of and weapon within the realm of sexuality. We shame men who struggle with porn. We shamefully say women don’t. We shame sexual assault victims. We shame the sexually confused. We shame the kids who ask too many questions. Let me say this yet again, But what do you do when it feels like shame is a part of you? Part of your identity. Woven throughout your story like some coffee stain from that one time you tried to read in the coffee shop. It soaks every page, crinkles it, stains it,…
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A Message for the Tattooed Non-Virgin: You Belong
I was unbelievably close to entitling this post “God Doesn’t Actually Care About Your Virginity” but figured that wouldn’t go over well with those who don’t read past the title. Maybe you’ve seen the post that recently went viral in Christian circles. A post about how men prefer women who are virgins, debt-free, and who don’t have tattoos. Needless to say, it lit up the corner of the blogosphere that deals with female sexuality among Christians. We might not be a big corner, but we do exist and we don’t take kindly to the sound of wolves slinking (do wolves slink?) into our camp. No, I’m not calling her a…
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Temptation, Dating, and Building Boundaries That Work
When I was growing up, there were a lot of rules governing how I, as a woman, should interact with members of the opposite sex. It was a joke in our circles to always have a “Bible between” as if an extra six inches of space somehow made you forget the person sitting next to you was attractive. As an adult, I found myself attending a church formerly pastored by Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It was there I was introduced to the awkward side hug, which was a step up from my Baptist upbringing that said, “Thou shalt not touch a man” but still a step…
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Let’s Talk About Masturbation
Masturbation is one of those things Christians don’t like talking about. Because if there’s one thing that Christians are really good at not talking about, it’s sex and anything related to sexual pleasure. So, for decades, I’m sure, masturbation has been the secret struggle whispered in silence (especially for girls), but we really need to talk about this, because people have questions. Is masturbation wrong if I am not lusting? Is it an “all things in moderation” thing? What else is a single girl supposed to do? I would rather my daughter masturbate than go sleep around. What’s wrong with that? I am a widow; is it wrong if I…
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Three Cultures That Influence Female Sexuality
I was speaking at a college event recently with an anonymous Q & A at the end. One of the questions that came to the panel was this: What should men know about women’s sexuality? First, I feel that is one of the most insightful questions I have ever been asked. Ever. It’s phenomenal and very indicative of a strength of Generation Z (today’s high schoolers and college students). They want to understand and solve problems and support each other. Second, where to begin? There’s a lot that can be said. Sexuality is complicated. It’s more than sex drive, and more than sensuality. My sexuality isn’t synonymous with orientation or…
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Five Mistakes Churches Make When Handling Sexual Assault
Over the past five years, I have heard more stories of sexual assaults in churches than I ever care to count. Sickening accounts of pastors and leadership taking advantage of girls, women, boys, children, men in their care. What’s even more disturbing is the course of action so many churches seem to take all in the name of grace. The most recent chapter involved Andy Savage and an account in which he sexually assaulted a girl in his youth group. In case you’ve missed the Twitter buzz, a young woman came forward and shared her story about being whisked away (essentially abducted) by her youth pastor where he presented his…
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Holding On to Hope When Everyone Else is Living Your Dreams
The holiday season can be hard for those who are single or struggling, mostly because it seems to highlight what we don’t have. This Christmas, we are heading to Florida to visit my brother, his wife, and my brand new nephew. My brother. My brother who is two years and two months younger than I. My brother, who has been married for two and a half years. My brother who always seems to live his life ahead of mine. To give you a little background on this particular brother and I, we have a long history of him always doing things first. When I was in Jr. High, I ran…
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Guest Post: 7 Thoughts from a Married Woman Healing from the “Purity Culture”
Today, I am excited to share a guest post with you. Rebecca Lemke is the author of The Scarlet Virgins: When Sex Replaces Salvation. I value the perspective she brings to this discussion because she is married. Too often, when I talk about things like the purity culture, I think people erroneously believe I say the things I do because I’m single. “Jessica, if you were married, then you would understand. When you get married you will see why we need to do things this way.” No. No, I actually won’t. And I firmly believe that. So does Rebecca. She also grew up in the purity culture and it affected…
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Yes, Christians Need to Start Telling Their Daughters About Sex
Over the years, perhaps courtesy of the “purity” movement, sex has become a little bit like fight club. What’s the number one rule about fight club? We don’t talk about fight club. What’s the number one rule about abstinence? We don’t talk about sex. At least that’s how it seems. Especially among the girls. When I was a teenager, attending church and addicted to pornography, it seemed like the only ones who weren’t talking about sex were Christians. In fact, it seemed forbidden. In church, there was cryptic code for anything sexual (which usually just got addressed as “lust”), and there were no questions. You could ask questions during premarital…
