Sex & Singleness
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What Boundaries Should You Have While Dating?
I recently received an email from a 14-year-old young man (definitely not my typical audience!) who read my once-viral post Kissing is Not Sex. He wanted to know more about boundaries and what sort of boundaries he should have while dating his girlfriend. Good. for. you, young sir! I recall many many (many) years ago sitting in church wondering the same thing. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time (I didn’t go on my first date until I was 27!) but was still curious about “the rules.” Unfortunately, the canned Christian response was almost always, “Stop asking where the line is and how close you can get to it…
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The Pornification of Evangelical Christian Women
Over the years, as I’ve recovered and perhaps deconstructed my own experience in the purity culture, I’ve noticed a sad trend. It’s one I’ve written about many times, but it’s the reality that, so often, in many churches, our approach to sex and marriage looks almost identical to pornography. A friend of mine, Luke Gilkerson, recently wrote a review of a new book, It’s Good to Be a Man. I won’t link the book, but his review is here. I got partway through his review before I wanted to buy the book just so I could throw it at a wall. He summarizes the book as pointing out three “uniquely…
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The Flirtation Experiment and Why Intimacy Matters
“When does the love fade away?” I was sitting in hair and makeup with Brittni De La Mora, a former porn actress and now leader of XXXchurch and Love Always Ministries. Brittni and I were speaking on a panel for CBN’s Unhooked: Purity in a Pornified World. It’s not often that I get an opportunity to talk with women in similar places of ministry and life. Brittni and her husband got married in 2016. My husband and I got married in 2018. We each had girls, three months apart. So, sitting in the room with her felt like an opportunity to gain some wisdom. My husband and I were just…
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Porn in Church: Pastors, How You Preach About Sex Matters.
Pastor, let me ask you a question. How do you talk about sex in church? Better yet, do you talk about sex in church? The longer I am at this, the more I am convinced that how we, as Christians, talk about sex matters. We idolize virginity. For decades, the church at large has adopted a mindset solely focused on purity. When I was a teenager, purity pledges and purity rings were all the rage. But purity was really just a Christian way to say “abstinence.” Our message about sex was “don’t you dare do it before you’re married. If you do, you are forever marked. Your spouse will be…
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On Culture, Sex, Influence, and Why Personal Responsibility Matters
Before we start the Porn in Church series, I wanted to take a minute and talk about the importance of personal responsibility. We talk a lot about “accountability” in Christian circles. It’s the idea that we answer to other people and if you’re on a journey of recovery from porn use, then you’ve for sure heard it. In fact I’ve written several posts about it. But personal responsibility is probably equally, if not more, important than the idea of accountability. Accountability, the way we use it, says “others can check in on me and I answer to them.” It’s the motive behind things like accountability software, like Covenant Eyes, or…
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Does God Really Want Me to Save Sex for Marriage?
Let’s close out this Does God series with a zinger. I actually don’t know if it’s a zinger, but it’s a question that is being asked and one that we really need to be ok trying to answer: Does God really want me to save sex for marriage? It’s a fair question. A common question. And for some reason, a hard question to tackle. I thought I had a decent post on it and then literally just deleted the whole thing and started over… three times now. I’ve actually lost sleep over this post, wanting to be sure it contributed to a culture of grace and goodness and not shame.…
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No, You Are Not Damaged Goods
“Only a low quality man would marry such damaged goods.” I made a mistake the other day. I logged on to Twitter. I’ve been staying off it because it really messes with my emotions- even more than lacking sleep or food. Honestly, nothing compares to the low I get from being on Twitter. It’s the most depressing place on the internet for me, and my experience the other day reminded me of why. To be clear, the statement above was in reference to Rachael Denhollander and her husband, Jacob. Oddly enough, it’s in response to Jacob promoting Rachael’s upcoming book “What is a girl worth?” (Apparently, Twitter dude’s response would…
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Is the Christian View of Sex a Threat to Masculinity?
I spent years of my life addicted to hardcore pornography. I also spent years of my life growing up in an ultra-conservative “sex is for men, women don’t want it” culture. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the latter can actually be more damaging than the former. Why? Well because when you sugar coat poison it tastes less like poison. When you teach falsehood in the name of Jesus, people are more likely to internalize it and frame their entire worldview around it. I was originally going to hand a post like this over to my friend, Sheila Gregoire, because she asked how…
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How I Prepared for Sex in Marriage (as a Former Porn Addict)
Where is the premarital prep book for women who’ve been addicted to porn? Turns out, there isn’t one. At least not the kind I thought I needed. In case you missed it, I recently got married. We both waited into our 30s (I was 32 and he was 34). Totally worth it. Read: Life is more than sex and marriage… But how do you prepare for sexual intimacy in marriage when you have a background that leaves you easily triggered? You might think it would be easy. After all, one of the selling points for pornography is that it “helps” couples sex lives. I’ve mentioned this before and can say…
