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Building Your Team

Building a Team

That’s really what accountability is about.  It’s about building up a team of people around you that can help you.  Sin has twisted our mind to make us fear those who can help us because we fear judgement.  I know! I have been there.  And you know what?  Some people will judge you, and if they do that speaks to their walk with God, not yours.  What matters is how God sees you, and He sees you forgiven, covered by the blood of Calvary {period}.  He sees a broken heart wanting to come home.

So, how do we pick the ‘right’ person to tell?  How do we choose the right people for our team in this fight?

Here’s a few thoughts.

  • You aren’t looking for someone who “knows where you’ve been.”  While it is comforting to find someone who can say, “I’ve been there” they are going to be hard to find.  Be willing to step out and find someone who loves God.  That’s where your struggle is– not pornography.

  • Don’t look for someone who is “unshockable.”  As a crisis pregnancy counselor, I have been trained to be unshockable, but believe me, I have heard some weird stuff in my time. “I use herbs for birth control.” “I believe in the returning of souls and that my aborted baby will return to me.” … They’ve trained us for everything, but still there are times when, in my head, I think “You did WHAT?!?”   Know that most of the women in your life aren’t going to be unshockable.  There will be a degree of offense or hurt or confusion and that’s ok.  Know that you don’t “shock” God.  Your sin isn’t new to Him and allow Him to work in their hearts to see that you are a victim of sin, not an enemy.

  • Choose a strong team.  Tell people who will stand their ground with you.  Tell people who aren’t afraid to tell you straight.  These people were the most influential in my life.  One woman in particular would say, “Jessica, I am going to shoot straight with you, because you need it” and I did.  Would I cry?  Absolutely.  The truth can be hard to hear, but remember the lies that hold you are strong.  The truth has to be stronger.

  • People will fail you, but God won’t.  Remember, this is a team, meant to help you.  They can’t save you; they can’t do the work for you.  They can only help you.  They may let you down.  When that happens, it hurts.  When they throw their hands up and say, “Agh! What are we supposed to do with you?” it can make you feel like a hopeless cause, but God has a plan and purpose and grace for you.  That is the number one truth to hold on to.

 The Process of Finding a Team Member


P- Pray about it.  God will bring you a Godly accountability partner.  He wants you free and knows the needs you have.

E- Expose her to the topic.  Plant the bug in her ear that women struggle with lust.  It may be that she knows, and if that’s the case, you are in good shape.  On the other hand, if she seems ignorant, you can point her to multiple Christian materials that indicate this is truth.  Joshua Harris, in his book “Not Even a Hint” addresses women struggling with lust in the first few pages!  You are always welcome to print off articles or point her to one of my talks.

A- Ask about her thoughts.  What is she thinking?  Gauge her reaction.  If she seems disturbed, give her some time and allow God to work in her life.  If you feel she may still be someone to talk to, revisit the topic later.

C- Confess.  Time to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  She needs to know.  Not because it’s her business but because you need to stop protecting your sin like it’s some precious heirloom.  She needs to know it all:  Do you masturbate?  Do you struggle with fantasy?  How were you exposed to pornography?  Do you sex chat?  The whole thing.  All of it.  It’s like pulling up a weed.  If you leave a little piece of it in the ground, you will continue to have problems.

E- Endure.  This is not an overnight process.  You need to know that.  I don’t know that we can cold-turkey lust.  I have never met someone who has.  You are going to fall.  You are going to resolve not to do it ever again.  You are going to make promises and commitments and you are going to break them.  You will then get frustrated with yourself and want to quit, but this is where you have to endure.  Think about it.  If you were in a jail cell, chained up for years and were offered the light of freedom, you wouldn’t be able to just get up and run for it.  Your legs would be like jello, and even if you had an army with you, there would be times when the journey would bring you to your knees and you will think, “it was better back in the jail cell.”  (You aren’t the first to think that.  Israel thought it too! “Maybe we should have stayed in Egypt!”)

But don’t give up.  Please don’t give up.  There are times when your body will physically ache.  It’s like withdrawal.  There were times when I punched pillows and wept for the actual physical pain I was in.  It’s hard work.  That’s why you need a team.  That’s why you need someone who can hit her knees in prayer for you when you feel your own knees given out.  We need each other to get through this.

It won’t be an easy road, but it gets easier and I promise you that the joy and life found at the end of it is worth it.  Far more than worth it.


One comment

  1. I love this.
    Accountability is like throwing open the doors and the windows so the light can shine into a dark, cold, and musty house.
    I’ve always felt that you need a team of people around you, rather than just one person you tell everything. One person isn’t going to be available all the time in those moments when you need to text or call someone to pray for you because you’re struggling with temptation.
    I have three people. I don’t think you should have too many, like the whole church or anything, but more than one person is important because one person can get burned out or the relationship can become unhealthy and co-dependent.

    Keep writing these blogs, Jess, they’re so encouraging!