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Before You Think About Marriage, Think. About. Marriage.

I know, I am on a crush/marriage/sex/love spree lately.  When God gives you something to say, you just go with it.  No apologies.

To follow up on a previous post (If I was Addicted, Will I Be Able to Get Married?), I wanted to expand on an idea that is important- one that I have mentioned quite a few times.

Boiled down, it’s this:

Just like every area of our lives, our mindset on marriage is in desperate need of redemption.

When many of us think about marriage, what we are really thinking about is a white dress, fancy hors d’oeuvres, soul mates, and arm candy.  We are thinking about our wedding (and, probably… sex).

“If I was addicted to porn, can I still have my happily ever after?  Can I still wear white?  Will someone love me?  Will I ever be able to actually have sex?”

I feel like there is just so much behind all of this it can be overwhelming.

I do. I doN’T.

The other night, a group of friends and I were talking.  One mentioned that she just was not ready to ‘settle down.’  She talked about being raised in an emotionally abusive home.  I shared my own story of growing up in a broken home.

Another young woman chimed in, “It’s one thing to say ‘I’m not ready’ because you have goals.  It’s another thing to say ‘I’m not ready’ out of fear.”

Some of us are scared to death by the prospect of marriage simply because we’ve never seen it work.  Oh, maybe it’s worked, but maybe it is filled with fighting and complaining, even abuse.  Definitely not the picture of love set forward in the Bible.

So, I want to put forth 5 bad reasons to get married and 5 bad reasons to avoid marriage.  My goal is this: I want you to think about marriage.  Not about sex.  Not about your parents’ marriage.  Not about acceptance.  Marriage.

5 Bad Reasons to Get Married

1.  To Prove Your Parents Wrong.

2.  To Show That God Forgives You.

3.  To Get Over Your Addiction.

4.  So Someone Will Love You.

5.  Because All Your Friends Are.

5 Bad Reasons to Avoid Marriage

1.  Fear

2.  Insecurity*

3.  Because of Your Past

4.  Because You Think It’s Pointless

5.  Because You Aren’t Willing to Change

* Fear would be something like fear of abuse, or divorce.  It is other’s focused- what others are going to do.  Insecurity is self-focused, something like low self-esteem.  It’s a lack of confidence.

If you find your thoughts about marriage falling into one of those categories, I would encourage you to really work toward renewing your mind when it comes to marriage.  Talk to a married woman you respect.  Ask her about marriage, all of the ins and outs and what it has taught her so far.

Some of the most redemptive conversations I have had have been those with dear friends who openly share the struggles of being ‘stuck’ under the same roof as someone else.  It has helped me to honestly consider what marriage means and what I would be bringing into a marriage relationship- am I bringing in a confident, loving, loyal lover and sister in Christ or am I bringing in an insecure, enslaved, selfish, socially incapable, needy, unstable woman?

Be willing to take an honest look at your thoughts on marriage, and then, be willing to change if needed.


One comment

  1. I think one of the many pitfalls that Disney and romantic comedies and books sells us is the build up and wedding is IT. The white dress and “happily ever after” part. Oh brother! I vividly remember being walked down the aisle and happening to glance at the church clock (10:30). And then, after saying “I do” happening to see the clock again (11:05). I remember thinking “I killed myself for four months for 35 minutes??? 🙂

    Christian marriage is two selfish sinners saved by grace learning how to be more selfless and caring of another person. It’s not 50/50–it’s 100/100.
    And I wish I could tell you how NOT a big deal sex is! It’s just part of marriage–a very nice part, albeit, but just a small part. Especially after you have kids!