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A Porn Addict’s Prayer

For some reason, this concept has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  I think, above all things, female porn addicts are misunderstood.  For that matter, I think porn addicts are misunderstood, regardless of their gender.  People are quick to label us as sick, twisted people- thank you, but we didn’t need your help.

If you have never been in this, you truly cannot begin to comprehend the despair, the frustration, the battle of wills that is fought day by day, and at times, moment by moment.  I know I prayed this prayer and prayers like this so many times during my struggle.  It’s not just about our actions; it is about our core understanding of God, His nature, and His love for us.

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Dear God, I’m tired of trying.  It’s not that I don’t want to be free.  It’s not that I don’t understand what You’ve done.  I get that; I got that, and I am so thankful for that.  It’s my body, Lord.  If I could rip it off and just be a walking heart, I would be OK, because my heart loves You.  My heart wants to serve You.  In the core of who I am, I want to be near You, but then I go and do this.  Why do I do this?  Why can’t I beat this?

Why aren’t You enough for me?  Why can’t I convince myself to stop this?  Every single time I do it, I feel so guilty, so dirty.  I feel so worthless.

You have to be so disappointed in me.  I know I’m disappointed in me.  I don’t know what I’m missing.  I’m reading the Bible and I’m trying to pray.  I’m going to church but sometimes that just makes me feel like an even bigger hypocrite.  Nobody there knows.  What’s the point of going to church when I come home and do stuff like this?  What’s the point of confessing and asking forgiveness when I know I’m just going to turn around and do it again?

Are you mad at me?  I am sorry.  I am sorry I keep screwing up.  I am so mad at myself.  No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I keep falling.  You’re never going to be able to use me.  I’m never going to be able to get married.  I don’t know why I even hope; I don’t know why I even try.

I don’t know why I am even talking to You right now.  I am tired.  My heart is tired.  My mind is tired.  My spirit is parched, and I know You are the Living Water, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, I keep going back.  There’s something wrong with me.  I’m screwed up, sick and twisted.  How could You possibly love me?  I don’t even think You’re listening right now.  I know I wouldn’t be listening to me.

I hate this and I’m trying not to hate You.  You just feel so far away right now, and this is the time I need You most.  I just don’t know how You could still love me.  I don’t know anything right now.  Help me… please.  I don’t want to give up, but I know I am so close.  Please don’t give up on me.

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From a former addict to those still struggling– He will not give up on you.  His love and mercy is never-ending.  He has a work to complete in your life and He will be faithful to finish it.  Believe that, and then stop trying to do that work for Him.  Get out of the way, surrender, and let Him heal.

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6 comments

  1. I cant tell you how much I cried when I read this. I have prayed this prayer more times than I can count. And still am.

  2. It’s so relieving to know I am not alone. I cried when I read this and I will continue to pray it everyday.

  3. Thank you so much for writing this. I needed to read this right now. I’ve fallen multiple times in the past week… I had been doing so well for the past month or so. I’m so disgusted with myself. I know that God is faithful, but right now I’m feeling far from His grace.

  4. Every single word in that prayer hit home with me. I just don’t know what to do any more. I can’t beat this on my own. I keep falling back into sin regardless of how good my walk with God is. Please, I am calling out for help. How do I beat this???

    1. Marcus,

      Judging by your screenname you’re a man. Beggar’s Daughter is a ministry intended for women (though we do have men who frequent the page). For you, I can recommend a couple different resources:

      Covenant Eyes
      Guilty Pleasure
      and The Porn Effect (a Catholic Resource)

      All of those have great tools for men.

  5. Im pretty sure I prayed this just last night because I was praying myself to sleep. I thank you for your frankness and honesty. I just started reaching out for help after years of addiction and, as I’ve bounced around from post to post, I am at the least grateful that I am not the only woman going through this. I’ve always felt so wrong because everything I hear/read says that men deal with lust, porn etc.. but a site like this brings me a little comfort that I am not alone and I can get better. Thank you.