Please forgive me for my absolute inability to keep up with this lately! In lieu of something new, I have decided to let you into what has been tying up so much of my time. Enjoy this sneak peek into the manuscript I am currently working on, taken from a chapter entitled “A Call to Heal.” Let me know what you think!
“…We live in a fallen world and are unable to escape the reality and pain of tragedies like divorce and abuse. In our quest for love, worth, and answers, we found lust. It felt like lust made everything better. In reality, it just made the holes bigger; it made everything worse.
In our search for love, we found sex. In our search for worth, we were told we were worthless. In our quest for answers we found a world where we could live without having to ask or be asked any questions. We could be nameless and faceless. We could be free from the insecurities of our body. We could be formless. We could be non-human.
For however long you have been trapped by pornography or ensnared by lust you have been treated, or have treated yourself, like an animal more than human. Your be-all, end-all has been to be the object of lust and desire even if for no one but yourself. Makes for a pretty rotten and empty existence, doesn’t it?
What is worse is that for every wound that drives us to lust, lust just gives us one bigger. It shoots holes through our self-image, destroys our ability to trust, robs us of our compassion, and steals our worth. When all is said and done, even on our best days, we can feel like a jumbled mess of a shattered life tucked away inside a human shell. We go through our days on autopilot, slaves to our bodies and victims of an abuse we chose. Good job, us.
From that point, looking at a radical grace and forgiveness of God may feel a little strange, even surreal. …
We are beggars, brought by our own choices to wallow in mud and filth. We are trapped as a consequence of our sin, scavenging for the tiniest crumbs in order to survive. We will never be seated at that table, never filled with the life-giving bread. In our hearts, we want to be wrong, but our minds are resigned to the fact. We have made our bed; it is time to lie in it.
That is exactly what it can feel like facing God’s love from where you are standing right now. His love, much like freedom, is a concept completely foreign to us. Forget His love; you might feel that way about facing God, Himself. So many times we fear Him. We face Him with the dread of a child preparing to bear the wrath of her father. We cower in a corner hands held high overhead, trembling, faintly whimpering, “Please, please, just don’t kill me. I know I keep screwing up, and I know I’ve got to be frustrating you, but please don’t hurt me.”
It’s that same fear that keeps many of us from seeking help. If you are like me, you may have heard the line, “If someone really wants help, they’ll ask for it.” What a crushing guilt. They never paused to factor in that fear and pain are very real, and for a woman who feels like she is facing the scorn of the entire universe, fear and pain are enough to silence her.
It can keep us from asking for help from people, but far worse, it can keep us from hoping for help from God.
Do you want acceptance and forgiveness? Absolutely. Your heart craves for the healing promised by grace, but you are so crippled by lust that you cannot bring yourselves to do more than beg for table scraps of mercy. If you could just avoid His wrath, that would be enough. He does not need to do anything else. You are not worthy of His love or any attention beyond just sustaining your everyday needs. You do not deserve to eat at a banquet of love and grace. He does not know who you are, and if he did, He definitely would not have invited you here.
Far to the contrary. He knows exactly who you are, exactly what you have done and that is exactly why He is here. He is here to rescue you. Not the girl next to you, not the woman in the pew behind you, not the pastor’s wife, not the youth leader—you. Yes, you, the girl who “defied all reason” and got herself trapped in a pit of pornography. The girl who cannot go a day without falling to lust. The girl who needs sex more than she needs air.
Whichever one you are, He came for you….”
(© Jessica Harris, 2012)