Letting everyone know that this blog has moved to purityafterpornography.wordpress.com for now. I had to move it to a third party site to make it able to handle the website transition. I attempted a redirect without success, so this is a perma-link. Hopefully, I will be able to get it connected to the new site properly.
I apologize for effectively losing the blog for a week. When I transferred to the new site, it disabled my blog entirely, so I had to switch back, and now have to essentially remodel the site in preparation for launching the new one. After multiple e-mails back and forth to tech people who obviously don’t know the difference between “blog” and “website” I was finally able to get some answers, and hopefully, when the transition happens next time, it will be much smoother.
Yes, I am still here (for the faithful few of you who tolerate those days my life goes crazy and I can’t get here). I have spent the last couple days working on the new Beggar’s Daughter site. It is flash, and it is just fantastic. It makes my heart smile.
With that, and with recent spiritual deserts, has come this desire to pour my heart and soul into this ministry and allow God to lead. I know you might be thinking, “Well duh, Jessica, haven’t you already been doing that?” Well, yes. My problem is I question myself. All. the. time.
Being in this type of ministry can be like walking a tightrope- there is a fine line between sharing God’s grace and airing my dirty laundry for the entire world to see. Mind you, I think we, as a judgemental, condemning church have made that line much finer than necessary. There is a fine line between dignity and pride, as well.
So many times I have thought, “Oh, I could do this” and God opens all the doors but then I stand there thinking, “What if this is me? What if this isn’t what God wanted.” I forget that key fact that “God opened all the doors.” Do I honestly think that God would lead me to this place if it is wrong??
We sure have a way of making our faith exponentially more complicated than it needs to be, don’t we?
At any rate, the new site will be up by the weekend, Lord willing. There’s a bunch of domain switching stuff that has to happen. I’ve upped the SEO on the site and on the blog to get it up higher in the rankings of search engines. That also makes it more susceptible to “bad” people, so if you see something that doesn’t look right, you need to tell me ASAP. I have a bunch of security measures in place, but even the CIA can get hacked. (Not that I’m as secure as the CIA)
What I need most from you now, other than prayers, is for you ladies to fill out this survey. It is very short and simple and can be taken without an account or signing up or anything. I won’t know who took it, but the information from it will be helpful in many ways. Not only will it help me cater this ministry to fit its audience but it will also help with the furtherance of the ministry. I call it ‘bullets for my gun.’
Thank you for your encouragement and your prayers.
Do you ever feel that way?
Let me just tell you, it’s a lie.
I recently watched a television show that featured a woman who had been separated from her husband for many years. They no longer lived in the same house, but every day, he would come over and have her iron his shirts and make him breakfast.
One of the women in the room asked her why she kept holding on to him. Why she let him come over and dictate her life when he didn’t want to be a part of her life.
“I guess I feel, I don’t deserve– I don’t deserve to be happy.”
That realization stunned her. It brought her to tears. She had been punishing herself for making the ‘bad decisions’ that got her into this situation.
That memory of watching that show came back to mind earlier this morning. How often do we believe that half-truth that we don’t deserve joy?
Can I tell you how freeing it was to write what I did yesterday? To shed the mantle of perfection that I think I had given myself. I know no one else gave it to me, but I guess I just felt like it was expected of me, being in public ministry and all. Confession brings such healing because it drags into the light what we wanted so much to hide.
As I got ready for work this morning, I dwelt on a truth– I am forgiven. I am free. I have every right as a child of God to have joy.
It may seem twisted. Part of us feels like there must be some form of penance. There has to be a purification period, like in ancient Israel, right? Some process that cleanses us to be able to be ‘normal’ again.
Like that woman who still ironed her estranged husband’s shirts and made him breakfast, I can find myself serving my sin like I owe it something. I can find myself treating myself like I’m a good-for-nothing, useless filthy rag. Even though I am free, I let sin, guilt and shame dictate my life– even my walk with God. I know, it’s crazy! (I’m sure none of you do that)
I don’t deserve happiness- I deserve hell, but God gives me joy and grace. That is a truth I always forget right after I let myself down. He is always ready to forgive me before I can find it to forgive myself.
I hopped in my car this morning, rejoicing. Not because I am a sinner or because I am ignorant, but because I am loved by God- period. I turned on the radio and on came Francesca Battistelli’s “Free to Be Me.” I turned it up and rocked it the whole way to work.
Remember, victory is won by God. Freedom is a lifestyle of walking in that victory.
I know. Scandalous, isn’t it. The very idea should make us cringe, but this morning I had a chance to visit my old church. It’s Tuesday morning and, therefore, it is empty. All of the lights are turned off. The aisle is illuminated by the mid-morning sun shining through a glass block cross at the front of the auditorium. At the right time of day, it will create a cross shaped glare across the pews.
I sat in the front pew and just looked for a while. Life can get busy, can’t it? I have been so overwhelmed this past week and it all went pear-shaped when I suffered a nasty fall at work. Three days later I am still recovering. Life just has this way of kicking us when we are down, and, without fail, that’s when we are tempted. I knew that. I know that. I speak that. I warn other people about that.
Sitting there in that pew, staring up at the glass window cross, I just thought back to Peter walking on water and how he took his eyes off Jesus and started looking at what was around him. He then relied on his own logic and that logic told him “men don’t walk on water.” Nevermind the fact that he was walking on water. His logic trumped his faith and even the facts and he tried to settle the situation in his mind but there wasn’t an answer. So he sank.
How different our lives would be if we just kept our eyes on the cross. If we just remembered that the cross is the grace under which we live, the grace by which we stand.
I fell this weekend, and that is so hard for me to admit. Like ridiculously hard. I stand here and operate this ministry to women who struggle and I would like to think that I am some kind of hope, some kind of light for them, and then I go and screw it all up. I have been so defeated in my heart ever since. It’s been a long time since I’ve known this pain. I have to admit that it even drove me away from God.
I took my eyes off Him. I looked at my life and all of the struggles, all of the trials and instead of turning my eyes to Him, I ran back to my old stomping grounds. Even though I knew the hangover that waited for me. That frustrates me. The fact that I am still human and still fall frustrates me.
So my time before the cross, albeit brief, was precious. I spent a couple quiet moments, away from family, away from work, and oddly enough, without pain… just resting. Just being still and reminding myself of what it means for Him to be God.
I can’t stress how important it is for us to stay near the cross. For us to keep coming to its level ground to seek mercy and help in our time of need. For us to come asking for wisdom and grace. Every answer and all the strength I needed was right there.
That’s how it is for us. All of the tools we need to fight are right there. Right in front of us in the form of the cross. Like Peter, we have the Lord of all Creation standing right in front of us, but we look away. And we drown.
How would our lives change if we lived everyday in the shadow of the cross? If we stopped to realize the price paid for the freedom we already have? The freedom we so often choose to forsake for the sake of our own pleasure. We are guilty of the scandalous. We fight at the foot of the cross. We lie at the foot of the cross. We steal at the foot of the cross. We envy at the foot of the cross. We lust at the foot of the cross. We even have orgies at the foot of the cross.
What a vile people we are, and how it must break His heart. Can you imagine, our Saviour looking down from Calvary, bearing the sin and the weight of the world on His shoulders and witnessing that? You think He didn’t know our sin? You think He didn’t see? I assure you He knew full well the people He died for, and yet He died anyway.
Oh what a Saviour!
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