Response to a, shall we say, interesting comment I received.
I have found in life that there is always that one person- that one who watches the Christian music videos and comments about how God is not real, the one who is pro-choice but prowls pro-life sites looking for debate, the one who runs a Christian erotica blog but insists on stopping by every now and then to inform me of how dysfunctional I am. He (at least I think it is a he) said his most recent (he has two) comment would probably never be approved. It won’t, but I will happily make a post out of it.
This was in response to my post “Why a Peek isn’t just a Peek.”
“So what was this horrible thing you did? You read a paragraph from a romance novel? O, the horror, the horror…
You peeked because you wanted to. You wanted to because deep down inside you is a very sexual woman who enjoys these sort of things. To phrase it all as an epic battle of sin is a bit much. Part of you enjoys and always will enjoy the thrill and allurement of forbidden sexual pleasures.
I spent a good deal of my life trying to repress my sexuality, to my own harm. I have known many women who have done the same. Eventually the truth and reality of who we are comes out. You are going to have to endure a lifetime of neurotic behaviors like this if you think you can overcome all encounters with eroticism in your life. It simply is not reasonable, unless you become a nun or something. Even then, you will be tempted by these lustful desires. Why? Because you are an adult woman, a flesh and blood human being who has natural and healthy sexual desires like the rest of us.
I don’t believe God wants us to torture ourselves sexually. If your single, I think masturbation is fine for sexual release, and reading erotica is not harmful. There is nothing wrong with seeing nude images of people. Even the Bible has some erotically charged passages. It is possible to believe in God and still be sexual. Neo-puritanism is something I am opposed to, as being harmful to many people, psychologically and otherwise.
Perhaps you should move to Saudi Arabia or some other Islamic society where all the women cover up, cut off their clitorises so they will not experience sexual pleasure, and submit mindlessly to their husbands, all in the name of God and religious purity. I feel sorry for women who think that they cannot enjoy sexual pleasure, except within the bonds of marriage, which is never guaranteed, by the way. Life is too short to waste your youth on trying to be an old lady. You seem attractive…
((–I cut out a paragraph talking about how the men who serve with me actually want to sleep with me.–))
You can have a rich relationship with God and still be a fully sexual woman. I and others discuss these things on my blog (NSFW though). I think it is a discussion that needs to happen. I know you are not open to this kind of discussion though (even though you have a blog) so this comment and whatever link I may provide will not be approved. Still, I need to say this.”
Where to begin?
First off, yes, I will censor comments on this blog that I believe could be damaging to the people to whom I am called to minister. I have visited this other blog and was greeted by pornography, so no, I am not going to approve links to sexually explicit content or erotica. People visit here because they are trying to get away from that stuff.
So, here we go. My “official” response: (and guys, you have been warned that is very straight-forward, no holds barred. Men, it just may not be a good idea– your call.)
The approach of this ministry is not to repress sexuality but to surrender it to the One who created our sexuality. I openly acknowledge that yes, I am human, a human who has been gifted with a sex drive– a sex drive that I spent years using recklessly and am now cherishing.
Sex is meant to be a beautiful bond, yes, between a husband and wife. You will never be able to convince me otherwise and you do not, under any circumstances, need to feel sorry for me. Even if I didn’t feel it was what God wanted, I have sat across from too many women heartbroken by giving away their virginity. There is a power there that even I, in my sexual experience, do not understand and the only man I want to have that kind of power is my husband. For that I will not apologize, and I doubt that he will ask for one.
I am aware that marriage is not a guarantee. I am 26 years old and still single but believe you me when I say that I cannot wait! I look forward to the day when I can use that sexuality freely, without guilt, under the loving care and protection of my future husband.
There is a verse in Proverbs or Psalms (the reference escapes me) that talks about letting my husband be intoxicated with my love. I want that for me; I want that for him and I will willingly die protecting that for him because I love him and our marriage that much. (It is that same love of him that keeps me from moving to some middle eastern country that practices genital manipulation.)
The day I surrendered my sexuality to Christ, I knew the possible costs.
I knew that it could mean I would die a virgin and I willingly accepted that cost in order to live a life that honored God.
Yes, I know I probably have a higher sex drive than most women (or maybe I don’t, who knows?) but if that’s the case and I remain single until the day I die, I know (not hope, not pray– know) that God will give me the strength and grace to continue living the life He has called all of us to live.
The life we are called to live as Christians is a life of blessings, not rights. Something may come naturally to me. It may be impulsive, but it does not mean I have the right to fulfill that desire or act on that impulse. Nor does it make it morally correct.
I believe in abstinence, but above that, I believe in purity. In the Garden of Eden, yes, it was OK to view naked bodies. We were created that way, but the very first thing Adam and Eve did was cover their nakedness… God never removed that cover. God never told them, “Oh, hey, it’s OK to be naked. Here take those off. It’s fine.” In fact, God did exactly the opposite and made better clothes for them. Further on in the Pentateuch there are chapters of laws forbidding men and women from seeing each other’s nakedness.
I believe that it is my job, as a woman, to do all I can to protect my brothers in Christ. I am also aware that, at the end of the day, they are men and I am a woman and that automatically causes issues but I am not responsible for lustful thoughts I did nothing to instigate.
I believe in modesty because I know I have a good body. I know that, and I do my best to keep other men from knowing just how good it is. Do I dress frumpy? Of course not. But I do not show cleavage, waistline, thigh, or back. If my ankles, knees and arms cause a problem, sorry. It is my desire that on my wedding night my husband would be pleasantly surprised with the body he finds.
This life does not make me neurotic (or old). Neurosis is, by definition, a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment. Being upset about sin in my life is called being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, not neurotic. If it is neurotic, then the Psalms are neurotic. I am far from obsessive; in fact, one of the approaches of this ministry is that women not be obsessive on their walk to freedom.
When a woman goes through life freaking out about every little sexual thought and every little slip and fall, she gets herself in trouble and ends up being in bondage to the fear of falling, which is not freedom at all. This is the approach of many ministries and churches but it is not the approach here.
We promote freedom here, in its truest sense– freedom from sin, freedom to live, freedom from fear, freedom to rejoice, freedom to surrender, freedom to love– not fear of failure, fear of sexuality, or fear of anything else.
The crux of this whole ministry is the grace of God and the love He shows us and how that frees us to be more than what our impulses would like us to be.
All boiled down:
I don’t have a problem with sex. I believe it is good, God-honoring and worth waiting for. You can be a virgin and not be neurotic, or old, or crusty. You can be a virgin and be young, attractive, successful, social, vivacious, outgoing and absolutely in love with God. You can then be a virgin who gets married and enjoys a seriously amazing love life and still loves God!
I look forward with hopeful, excited, joyful anticipation to the day that I can share this gift of sexuality within the protection of a covenant marriage to my husband. No, that marriage is not a guarantee, but my death is, and when I get to the altar either way (by marriage or by death) I want to look back and have no regrets.
I doubt that I will get to my wedding night and say, “Well, that wasn’t worth waiting for. Definitely should have slept with so-and-so when I had the chance.”
I highly doubt, if I died a virgin, my first thought upon entering Heaven would be, “Man! I didn’t get to have sex!”
Consider the “discussion” had.2