Two weeks ago, a man asked me about the ring on my left ring finger.  It is a ring I donned nearly 4 years ago when I decided to leave myself- my heart, my body, my sexuality- in the hand of my Creator and to trust Him with that area of my life.  Over the years, it hasn’t drawn much attention.  The past couple months, it has drawn a lot.  Attention I wasn’t quite ready for.  I shied away from the truth: “Well, this ring means I am a virgin and I am trusting God to bring my husband to me in His time.”  Instead, we determined the ring was to keep away creepy guys.  Guilt swallowed me that evening.  I had a chance to stand for purity.  To stand proudly, to stand for truth, and I shied away.  I still haven’t figured out how to say, “I am virgin” in a way that does not cause a man to immediately “fix that problem” in his mind.  We live in a sex-crazed society.  Still, I am sure if I had cried out for guidance, God would have given words, and I could have stood, and done well.  I didn’t, and I spent the night begging God for a second chance to make things right- regardless of the effects of the truth. 

He gave it to me.  Now I need a third.

I knew when Thursday night rolled around that I was way behind on the times.  As the lyrics for the karaoke came on screen my stomach churned.  Raunchy words about sex, Victoria’s secret, and making love.  And these were high schoolers.  I turned to the producer of the show that evening.  I am sure I was visibly upset.  “Dana, what kind of music are you playing for these kids?!” 

“This is their music.”

My heart sank.  I have been around the block a few times, and I’ve gotten my shoes dirty, but this was disgusting.  They were having the time of their lives, dancing out in the middle of the room, bumping and grinding and ‘backing that thang up.’  It was then I caught the eye of a young woman in the center of the party. 

Ever have one of those moments when God seems to stick a spotlight on someone and say, “This is your target.”  I had one of those moments as I watched her, a 19 year old Hispanic girl in a short gray dress, stand out in the middle of the floor, popping, locking, shaking, grooving and any other ‘ing’ that draws the type of attention to a body that young men are all too willing to give.  She was a wild child, and I knew that.  But I have also learned behind every wild child is a hurting child, someone so tired of searching for love that they leave people with no choice but to love their personality, and that’s it.  I watched her for a little bit as she danced with the boys and the girls, generating hoots and cat calls from the crowd.  All while their ‘chaperones’ watched with smiles.

To the depths with “kids will be kids.”

When the show got ready to start, she and a co-ed group slipped out to the lobby where my coworker caught them attempting to cram into the handicap bathroom at the front of the restaurant.  She quickly rerouted them back to the show, but they stopped at the bar.

How I ended up behind the bar, I cannot recall.  I do not bartend, refuse to pour alcohol and really just don’t like being back there.  Still, I was back there, serving sodas right and left and getting involved in some pretty interesting conversations with the hoodlums sitting across from me.  One boy looked at his friend and said, “Man, this is where we are going to be in ten years, behind the bar doing nothing.”  (Not on my watch.)  I stepped in- which seems to be the right of anyone on the serving side of a bar- and said, “There are much better things for you to do with your life than to sit at a bar.”  How horrible that fifteen year olds have assigned themselves to a life of alcohol before they can even drink it!  How’s that for dreams.

At any rate, my ‘target’ eventually found herself at the end of the bar and for the next hour the group of us kept up conversation.  Somehow I found myself with five teenage boys crowding across from me, attempting to get my phone number.  Of all times for my manager to be off floor.  In that free-for-all, the attention turned to my purity ring.  Again, the question was asked, “Why do you have that ring?”  Actually it was more, “Yo, whatcha got dat ring fo?”  The situation had me highly perturbed, so the comment came back, “I can wear a ring if I want to wear a ring.”

Strike 2.

The show ended shortly after and the kids walked away from the bar.  My target came back, gave me a hug and said, “You’re cool, Jessica.  I’m going to miss you.”  My heart sank.  This girl was going back to the hotel with those sex-crazed morons she called friends, and heaven knows what those chaperones would allow.  She was hurting, searching, looking for some sort of truth, some reason to stand and I let her down.  God gave me a liferaft and I was too afraid to throw it out and could do nothing but hold back tears as I watched her wash away in a sea of humanity.  I will never see her again.  I missed my chance.

Isn’t it weird how we can be so sold out for something, but when it comes to shining that light, we are afraid?  Maybe that’s just me.  How different would her night have been if I had squared eyes with those boys and said, “Actually, it means I’m saving myself for marriage so no, you can’t have my number.”  What strength would that have given her?  What seed would that have planted?  I missed it.

Every day I work at the pregnancy center I see a rack of pins that say, “I’m worth waiting for.”  Maybe I need to wear one of those since the ring doesn’t seem to be working for me.  One of the most painful things I’ve heard since working at the Pregnancy Center is this: “I didn’t even know abstinence was an option.  I didn’t know people do that any more.”   People do, so why don’t people know?

I guess the test of our character comes when the rains come.  When the flood waters wash over us, can we stand or do we crumble?  Are we ashamed of what God has called us to be?  How could we be??  When God calls us to stand, we need to stand.  We need to stand for purity, not just within our circles but in front of the world.

Today marked my second day of internship at a local pregnancy center, and it was good.  I so enjoy being involved in this ministry.  Getting in my car in the morning is exciting to me.  One of the women at the center thinks I’m crazy, I’m sure, because I am embracing this idea of counseling with a passion (and a half).

Today, also marked a difficult day.  A raw encounter with the psyche of today’s teenagers.  As I packed up my stuff from another empty shift (no one came), a young woman walked through the door.  She is 18, and she is pregnant.

As the lead counselor and I spoke with her, her story caught me way off guard.  Maybe because I am a very logically minded person and I don’t understand how people can be so convinced that their wrongness is indeed right or even makes sense.  Regardless, I sat and listened.  The father of the baby is out of the country.  They haven’t been together for a year.

The obvious question from the counselor and myself was, “If you haven’t been together for a year then how on earth did he father your unborn child?”  The oh-my-goodness-are-you-kidding-me answer: “Well, we are still friends.  Friends with benefits.”

…right…

Upon further discussion, we found out that this young woman, a Christian by claim, has no problem with being sexually active as long as the guy ‘has his papers.’  More than that, she has a current boyfriend with whom she hasn’t had sex.  So, here is this 18 year old who thought she was going to marry guy #1, so she had sex with guy #1, dropped guy #1 and picked up guy #2 but for the past year has still been having sex with guy #1 because “we were each other’s first” and has not had sex with guy #2…

The counselor and I sat there for a moment wondering, “Do you hear yourself?  Does this make sense to you?”  The counselor even asked, “What about your husband?” 

Counselee: “Well, he’ll be special too because, you know, he’s my husband but you always remember your first.”

I have never had ‘a first’ and that is only by the grace of God because Heaven knows there were times I wish I had had a first.  Funny how the things I used to hate about myself: my look, my body, etc, were all things that protected me from going too far.  No man ever wanted me, and for that, I am now grateful.  Still, as a virgin, I can’t speak to the bonds of sexuality.  I can only hold to the hope that it is something far more amazing than my mind could ever understand.

Seems to me, sex was never meant to be this complicated.  Seems to me, this young woman encountered sex for all the goodness it was supposed to be, and now is struggling with what to do with the bond formed in that relationship.  She keeps going back to guy #1, because, as she said, “You never forget your first.”  And, I argue that you aren’t supposed to.

As the counselor and I tried to stress the importance of abstinence once this baby is born, God gave the lead counselor wisdom beyond her years.  “Well, if you never forget your first, then wouldn’t it be great if your husband were your first?” 

The lightbulb flickered if only for a moment.  We finally had her thinking about the future.  The real future.  Lights out.

“Well yeah, but I’m not going to stop having sex with this guy.  You never forget your first.”

My heart goes out to her.  It breaks for her, because there will come a day when she can’t have her first anymore.  On that day, I am fairly certain her world will come crashing in.  Until then, she will battle against this bond formed so prematurely (and, dare I say, immaturely).  If people ask me why sex has to wait for marriage, her face will always come to my mind.  She’s stuck.  She may not admit it, but she’s stuck, and only God’s grace can give her the ability to let go of her first and cleanse her to have a second first.

As I said, I’ve never been there and by God’s grace I will not find myself there.  But I understand mistakes.  I understand sexuality and its strength.  I get that.  For me, that pregnant 18 year old is no different than I was at 18, sending pictures of myself to complete strangers.  Fact is, somewhere out there is a man who has photos of my body, and I can never change that.  I can’t go back and undo that, but oh! there is grace.  While grace does not erase the consequences of our actions, it does give us the strength to move on because God can use us inspite of ourselves.

I listened to this song over and over this morning before heading to the center.  I hope it encourages anyone out there who wonders if they have gone too far.  The answer is no.

“What do you say to someone who feels like they’ve lost it all, over the edge with no one there to break their fall?  And what do you say to someone who feels so unloved, and giving themselves away a little bit every day just to be good enough?  And what do you say to a hopeless soul who can’t remember their way home and everything is out of their control?

There is no valley, there is no darkness, there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.  There is no moment, there is no distance, there is no heartbreak He can’t take you through.  So before you think that you’re too lost to save, remember there is nothing greater than grace.

What do you say to someone whose life is on the line, and they’re unsure what happens after their last breath in time?  What do you say to someone who’s built a wall you can’t break through and it’s so hard for them to hear the truth?

There is no valley, there is no darkness, there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.  There is no moment, there is no distance, there is no heartbreak He can’t take you through.  So before you think that you’re too lost to save, remember there is nothing greater than grace.

So don’t lose heart, don’t let go.  Don’t give up.  You are not alone.

There is no valley, there is no darkness, there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.  There is no moment, there is no distance, there is no heartbreak He can’t take you through.  So before you think that you’re too lost to save, remember there is nothing greater than grace.”

“There is Nothing Greater Than Grace.” By Point of Grace, from No Changin’ Us.

I sat in church this morning, taking a moment to be absolutely appalled at what the preacher was saying.  He was on a bit of a tirade and began to use the word ’sick’ over and over again.  “These people are sick.  That’s just sick.  Sick. Sick. Sick.  This is the sickness of society.”

Those people to which he was referring?  People involved in pornography.

I fought a major urge to get up and walk out of the service.

This is not a new approach.  Not a new attack of the church.  During my years of struggling with my addiction, it was this very approach that kept me from seeking help within the body of Christ.  Ironically, and sadly, that is the one place where we should find help.

Pornography is not the sickness of society.  Sin is the sickness of society.  People addicted to pornography are not ’sick.’  They are sinners in need of the hope, mercy, grace and forgiveness of God.  As the church, the functioning organism of the body of Christ, we are to be the ambassadors of that hope, mercy, grace and forgiveness, not the scorners of those who need it most.

A person addicted to pornography is not sick.  I know, because I have been there.  More than anything, they are searching, empty, and very stuck.  Think about this. 

 A young woman searched for love.  She longed to be loved and accepted.  In that longing, she made a friend.  He said he loved her.  He made her feel good, but most people hated him.  He would beat her, torment her, deprive her of food and water.  She ran to her family for help.  “You’ve made your bed, now sleep in it.”  She ran to her friends to find them long since gone.  She ran to the church but when they saw her filth and wounds they turned away. “You’re too far gone, please leave before you mess up our pews.”  Dejected, she returned to the man, the only one who was always there for her.  One night, after a brutal beating, she packed up her stuff, stared him in the face and with clinched teeth and fists said, “I hate you.  I am leaving.”  With a snarl, he replied, “Oh really?  Where are you going?”

Then she remembered, she was alone.  “No one wants you, remember?  You’re mine.”

That is the reality in which porn addicts, at least those with which I have interacted, find themselves.  You don’t have to tell us we shouldn’t be here.  We are well aware of that.  Quit rubbing salt in the wound and tell us how to get out.

You may see them as sick, but these, these sick people, this sickness of society.  These are the people my Saviour died to rescue.

People have questions.

If we plan on answering, we usually like to have all or none.  Our biggest weakness is the dread of having to say “I don’t know” or “I can’t tell you.”

Recently, I have witnessed an internet forum discussion that has gone drastically south.  Unmarried Christian women asking married women about details… yes, details of sex.  Those older women, wanting to maintain a sense of friendship and loyalty to the supposed cause of edifying Christ, have provided requested details ad nauseam.  They have torn the veil off the holy of holies and have aired their most intimate opinions for the world to see, all in the name of Christ.

I doubt Christ is impressed.

Throughout Scripture we are encourage to be wise and to be discerning.  Most of all, we are commanded to not put a stumblingblock in the way of another person, to do all things to honor and glorify God.  What honor and glory does God receive from married women discussing the details of their sexual encounters with unmarried women?  It raises an interesting question.  When discussing sexuality with young women, how much is too much?  At what point do you use “That’s for me to know and you to find out” because surely there are some secrets to our sexuality that we would like to discover ourselves.  It would be awful for us to approach our wedding night and tell our beloved, “Ok, Sally says it works like this.”

Sally?  Who’s Sally?  Why does she know?  Why do we have to do it her way?  Why can’t we make our own way?!

I could imagine that God looks down and thinks, “Now if I really felt you already needed to know that, don’t you think I would have told you?!”

Whenever we ask/are asked for advice we introduce someone else to our bedroom.  As a young woman asking for advice, I would be inviting you into my marital bedroom.  As a woman being asked for advice, I would be exposing you to my bedroom and then accompanying you to yours.  Sound familiar?  Sounds like pornography to me!  Remember, that for the intent and purpose of this ministry, pornography is defined as “entering any bedroom where you don’t belong.”  For clarification, you belong in your bedroom with your husband/wife.  If you are not married, then no one else belongs in your room (not even your future spouse.  Emphasis on the word future.)  So what are some guidelines for us as we approach and discuss this sacred subject?

1)  Remember.  Sex is not dirty.  Do not attempt to avoid the subject by labeling it taboo.  We all know sex is not bad, gross, dirty, ugly or any other unbecoming adjective.  God created it, so it has to be good!  In fact, it is sacred, so it is far from dirty.

2) Be unshockable.  We live in a fallen world.  We are a fallen people.  Sin, in all of its depravity, is part of our nature.  Sex is everywhere.  Understand that, so when a young woman comes up with a question that you don’t feel she has any right knowing, don’t jump down her throat.  Children as young as fifth grade are being taught ‘fisting’ when many adults don’t even know what fisting is.  It’s everywhere, and no man is an island.  Even if you feel it is horrible that she knows certain information, do not be shocked.  If you present as being appalled at a question, it will make her feel she is unable to talk with you.

3) Respect her parents.   It is not your job to take the place of mother/father.  Her parents may have already had this discussion with her, or may be wanting to be the first.  Encourage her to talk with her parents.  Help her understand that you will be there for her but that you want to know what is ok with them.  If she says she is more comfortable with you, offer to have the discussion with all parties involved.

4) Respect her innocence.  It will be obvious when a conversation is drifting into uncomfortable or even offensive territory.  While some teenagers already know everything, there are others who are quite content knowing next to nothing.  Do not force information on her that she does not want to know.  Some people may say you are sheltering her, but one wise woman once said, “Every young plant needs some sheltering before you place it in the elements.  It needs time to strengthen and grow deep roots.  In time, it will be out in the wind and sun and rain, but you can’t put it out until it’s ready.”  Some girls may not be ready. 

Watch for body language: blushing, darting of the eyes, even tearing up eyes, that demonstrate nervousness or discomfort.  In group settings, I normally have the girls close their eyes and I say, “I am going to talk about some heavy stuff.  I am going to talk about sex, pornography and such.  If that may offend some of you, I want to respect you, so please let me know.”  Without fail, I have had hands go up every time.  Once a young woman even jokingly said, “Did someone raise their hand?”   She was shocked when I said yes.  Some girls are ready and some girls are not.

5) Do not water with a fire hose.  Regardless of what she thinks, she does not need to know everything.  If she asks and you feel it is safe territory (see later), then give her the basics.  She does not need to know about every intimate detail of your life.  For instance, if a young woman asks what an orgasm is, you can tell her the medically correct definition, which would be: “the climax of sexual excitement that is usually accompanied by ejaculation of semen in the male and by vaginal contractions in the female” (dictionary.com).  Now, obviously you don’t have to give it that professionally, but that bare bones answer is all she needs to understand.  It is a climax experienced during sex.  Period. 

When the next question comes up, “What does it feel like?”  Be careful, because she is playing with the fire hose.  The snarky answer would be, “You’ll find out when you are older” but that never works well on teenagers.  Instead, offer hope.  “It’s amazing, but it’s different for everyone.  You’ll find out someday and you will be glad you waited.”  That does a few things for her: 1) it reaffirms that sex is good  2) it provides the truth that everyone’s sexual experience is unique  3) it encourages her to live with no regrets.  You have encouraged her, and kept her hopeful without telling her enough to tempt her to fantasize. 

6) Respect the Sanctity of Sex.  Sex is a sacred bond meant to be shared between a husband and a wife, not between a husband, wife and half the church youth group.  When discussing it with young women, it is perfectly fine to protect the deepest parts of your intimacy.  You can keep your bedroom under lock and key.  The only people with rights to that room are you, your husband and Christ.  If a young woman asks a personal question, an appropriate response would be, “Every couple’s experience is unique and sacred.  I am not going to share that information with you because not only is it too personal, things may not be the same for you when you get married and I don’t want you to have a prefabricated idea of how your marriage will work just because this is how mine will work.”  Now, can you give her the keys to intimacy? (Love God, Love your husband) Sure! But she belongs nowhere near your bed.

7) Respect the Situation.  Why is she asking?  There may be more than just curiousity at play.  Is there a relationship that is drifting into uncharted waters?  Is there a riff at home and this is manifesting as an early form of rebellion?  Is there an addiction whether to fantasy, pornography or masturbation that is creeping up?  What is making her ask?  You have every right to ask that question and to pursue the root of the matter before answering anything.

8.) Respect her weakness.  That may seem like a strange one, and it may seem to tie in with respecting her innocence, but this step is for the case of the not-so-innocent.  In this situation, you are dealing with women who have been ‘around the block.’  In this case, sex is a weakness for her, to discuss at too much length or in too much detail runs the risk of pushing her back into her old lifestyle.  This is what Paul was eluding to when he has the discussion about meat being offered to idols and tells us not to place a stumblingblock in front of each other (Romans 14:13, 1 Corinthians 8:9).  You may be speaking about sex in the most God-honoring, sacred way possible but the fact is, even that discussion can be dangerous for a ‘recovering’ woman and she may not even know it.  Be aware of her own weaknesses and avoid them.

9) Stay on safe ground (You can say “I don’t know”).  Safe ground would be sex, as defined by sexual intercourse between a husband and a wife.  When it comes to other, more gray issues remain neutral or negative.  Some examples would be oral sex, contraceptives, and masturbation.  If those issues come up, err on the side of caution and either discourage them or remain neutral if you are unable to discourage.  For instance, if you are asked about oral sex, you have one of many options.  You can say:

• “Oh! It’s great! We do it all the time!” but this touches on a few different things.  Some Christians (myself included) view oral sex as perversion of true sex.  Remember, on her wedding night you don’t want her to say, “Well, so and so said we should do it!”   
• “Well, I am not quite decided about that.  I think that is between you and your future husband to decide.  You should pray about it now while you are single and figure out your thoughts on it.”  This neither encourages nor discourages the act and again reminds her that her sexual experience will be a shared one, not just her own.  It also encourages her to seek Christ’s will even in something like sexuality.
• “I have done some thinking on this, and I believe that oral sex is wrong.  I’ll tell you why.”  This is the negative response and helps her begin to think about her sexuality because it will challenge the natural norm.  When you explain it to her, be sure to bring up an ‘argument’ based on God, not on hygeiene, etc.

10) Above all, glorify God.  Our conversation is to be edifying and to build each other up in Christ.  Our conversation is not to fulfill the desires or our flesh or our curiousity.  Whenever you are speaking with a young woman about her sexuality make sure she understands that it stands below her walk with Christ on her list of priorities.  At any possible moment, point to the true intimacy found in Christ.  She doesn’t have to have it all figured out.  Instead of searching for answers about the ins and outs of sex, she should be searching for the ins and outs of loving God.  The rest of it, well, is for Him to know and her and her husband to find out.

This is a post from a pastor at McClean Bible Church.  I am vaguely associated with their young adult ministry, Frontline.  They are currently doing a study on sex.  The following is in addition to the message taught last Sunday. I’m going to let this one sit for a while and then give you my thoughts on the subject which, while they do not differ in ends, do differ in means.

It has been a year since the Beggar’s Daughter site was officially launched.  Thank you to those of you who have lifted this ministry up before the Lord in prayer.  Those prayers are felt- they truly are.  In the past year, God has blessed Beggar’s Daughter in ways I could have never imagined, even when I have not been so faithful to devote my undistracted attention to it.  To recap, this past year has held so much growth for this ministry including an interview aired on Covenant Eyes, an online accountability software program, a couple speaking engagements, a nod from Christian author Leslie Ludy, a writing partnership with The Porn Effect as well as the offer to write for a book (which is different than writing a book).

 To God be all of the glory and the praise, because without His grace, not a drop of that would be possible.  Not one ounce.  He is truly able to do exceedingly abundantly above all and I praise Him for offering us grace, grace that does more than just forgive, it restores and recycles!  I look forward with great anticipation to the year that lies ahead, knowing that God is going to do something big, and that is such a thrill!

 God has been doing exciting things in my heart and in the ministry of Beggar’s Daughter.  He has paved the way for me to have more time to pour myself into this and into writing.  Recently, I have been plunging into His love for us, really studying the whole concept of love and how lust and our call to Christ compels, even commands, us to love. 

I just finished the rough draft of a four-part series entitled “In the Image of Love” for my friends over at the Porn Effect (formerly known as Who Does it Hurt?).  It will be published online over the next six months or so, and I will be putting up more thoughts on here as time goes on. 

 One thing that He has really been stressing to me, is that the love we have been given is meant to be shared.  In fact, we are commanded to share it.  Over the past few months, I’ve asked myself, “Is Beggar’s Daughter enough?”  The answer: no.  I felt Him burdening me to make my ministry more active instead of so passive, to step out and be willing to get emotionally involved with the people He has asked me to reach out to.

 I am looking forward to the opportunity to speak with a local abstinence team, as well as continue to write, and, Lord willing, publish my book.  In June, I will be taking courses to become a counselor at a local crisis pregnancy center. 

 Lined up for the coming year- an online forum for women struggling with sexual addiction.  More resources for women who find themselves in the midst of the struggle.  Lord willing, more speaking and writing opportunities.  God is able, and I cling to that promise.

 My challenge to you, though, is what are you doing with the love that God has given you?  See He didn’t give it to us to hoard.  He gave it to us so we could share it with a lost and dying world.  Got Love?

I was just perusing a Christian “answers” forum in which a mother was crying out for counsel because her 14 year old daughter is struggling with masturbation and DIY erotica (writing your own sex stories).  God bless those people who offered their prayers, and unashamed bonus points for the person who pointed her to my site   But there was one person, a shrink in training that really crawled under my skin.

The cold, short, absolutely unbased announcement was that if this 14 year old was struggling with this then she MUST have been sexually abused.  Her mother denied this but Dr. Jill kept pushing the point that this kind of behaviour is only exhibited by those who have been sexually abused.  The logic?

Children act out what they have seen.

While that may be true, the flipside of this twisted logic is that one is assuming that a 14 year old’s only exposure to sex would be through abuse.  Welcome to 21st century America.  That is most certainly not the case.  Speaking from personal experience, I was 11 when I went through my first sex ed class and I got everything: Pictures, diagrams, videos, you name it.  I can still remember the snickers that went throughout the room when he talked about virginity.  I was 11!

For the record, that was 13 years ago.

So, this myth: Ridiculously false.

Is that to say that no one who struggles with these issues has ever been molested?  Of course not.  In fact, many women I have worked with got sucked into this stuff because they were molested.  But to say that every woman who struggles with porn has to have been molested is a gross generalization and will only do more harm than good.

If you know a woman struggling with these issues don’t try and dig up a past that doesn’t exist.  Molestation or no, we are still responsible for our actions.  If you are a woman struggling, do not try and create an excuse based on pseudo-psychology.  If you have been victimized, seek out a good Christian counselor.  If you haven’t, don’t play the victim here.  The only thing we are victim to is sin.

Fasting coupled with prayer.  The efficacy as a freedom tool has come up in a few conversations recently. 

Does fasting help break free?

I can’t break free with prayer and study, so should I fast too?

What is the benefit of fasting?

They are all questions, and good ones, that have been posed in recent months.  Here’s my take on it.

Fasting will not free you.

That being said, it can help refocus you.  Allow me to explain:

Some people approach fasting as if it is a food-based exorcism.  They fast and fast until their body is ‘broken’ and the demon of addiction leaves.  What you are feeling is not the addiction leaving, it is exhaustion because you haven’t eaten for however many days.

It was only about two years ago that I started looking into the purpose of fasting.  It had always seemed odd to me.  Like some form of penance. I’ve been bad; I have this problem, so I am going to starve myself until I fix it. For others it was a ‘powerup’ to prayer, as if starving ourselves makes God hear us better.  Somehow, fasting can still be self-centered.  Think of a child refusing to eat dinner because Mom wouldn’t give him a cookie.  It’s happened, and we can do the same thing as children of God. 

However, fasting is Biblical, good and useful, when used correctly.

What fasting is not:

Fasting is not a guaranteed answer to prayer.  After the recent Presidential elections, my grandfather was in a state of shock and near mourning.  He cried out saying, “But I fasted and I prayed! How could God let this happen?”  That isn’t how fasting works. 

Fasting is not a form of punishment.  This was my personal struggle with fasting when I first entertained the concept of fasting itself.  I would fall and immediately would say, “That’s it! No supper for you.  In fact, no food for the next day until you get your heart right.”  That isn’t it either.

Fasting is not a guarantee of freedom.

What fasting is:

Fasting is a way of redirecting our focus.   I have often told people that, during the battle from pornography, you cannot focus negatively on pornography (For more on this, see my note “A Renewed Mind.”)  It is not enough to go around thinking, “I cannot think about pornography.” Instead, we have to renew our minds.  We have to redirect our focus.  Fasting helps us do that.  It is a way of freeing up less time for self and more time for God. 

Remember, we are two natures, constantly at battle with one another.  The victorious nature is the one you feed the most.  Understand that I am not saying that food is bad because it feeds your flesh.  Food is fine.  It sustains life.  By all means, eat.  The way we feed our flesh is through pride, greed, selfishness, and the list goes on.  When you fast, each of those will rear its ugly head.  Your pride will stand up and say, “This is not necessary.”  Your greed will cry out, “I can’t live like this! I need more!”  Selfishness will slither in and say, “This is so unfair.”  Your lust (for food) will say, “Oh, just one bite.  It can’t hurt.”  In itself, fasting can be a battle against… self. 

Fasting is not for the faint of heart, that is for certain.  However, more and more, I am seeing it as necessary for a strengthened faith.  That’s the point of fasting; to draw closer to God.  You are denying your body in order to draw closer to Him, and I believe that is the key to freedom- an increased knowledge of Christ.  Does fasting promote that?  Yes.  Does fasting guarantee freedom? No.  I think we are capable of fasting selfishly or even defiantly. 

The key to all of life is to make it about Christ.  Deny the body access to food in order to give the spirit more time devoted to Christ.  Press in toward Him and let Him fill you, change you, renew you.  Feed the spirit because in a couple days, the body will be back to its normal cantankerous self.

Does fasting help?  I think it does, but with all things it is important to remember the point.  The point is not that you are going without food.  If that is your thought, you will have a long however many days thinking about the food you can’t have (kinda like negative thinking about pornography).  Instead, say to yourself, “I get to spend however many days dwelling at the feet of my Saviour.”  That is the approach that will certainly change your life.

This morning, I had a lovely conversation with Matthew Fradd, founder of Who Does it Hurt?  During our 30-minute conversation, he said something that really hit home to me. 

He recalled the words of Jesus when He says that we are to feed the poor and clothe the naked.  Matt pointedly stated, “That is what I do.  I go into stores and when I see women on the front of magazines, I turn the magazines around.   No one has ever said, ‘um, excuse me, could you stop turning around our porn?’”

It made me think of the life Christ must have lived.  Can you imagine? 

If we, as Christians, are called to minister to the poor, the hungry, the naked, that means we must be in semi-close association to the poor, the hungry and the naked.  The fact is, they are not going to change without the love of God. 

Christ was with those people.  He ate with the prostitutes and the theives.  That is the company He kept.  Why?  Because it was cool?  No!  Because those are the people that need love.  Those are the people that need God. 

In that mind, as Matt stated during our discussion, I love porn stars.  See, our world has screwed up the concept of love, but still we are called to love as Christ loved.  That means I love them enough to fight for them even when they do not think they are worth fighting for.  I love the addict enough to reach out to her even when she has given up hope.  I am called to give dignity to those who have none.  We are called to clothe the naked.

Ah, the joys of writer’s block.  This is a difficult experience for me- I am rarely speechless, but I am having a hard time thinking of what all to include in the companion’s guide to Beggar’s Daughter.  The rough sketch of the proposal is done, but I am bothered by this nagging sense that I have forgotten something.

That being said, I have a question for the internet community. 

What do you want to know?

As someone who might be asked to help a young woman struggling with pornography, what would you expect to find in a book like Lady Charis?  How could the author help you?